A few years ago, I lied to a few friends that I had been raped, when I had not. I’d been extremely depressed and self harming, and I told them this because I was trying to explain my pain, and felt as though I needed a legitimate reason or source for it, and that if I didn’t have one, they wouldn’t support or love me. I was only fourteen, and I’ve since confessed and apologized and made peace with the people I lied to, but I’ve struggled with myself about it ever since. I hate myself for taking others experience of pain and using it to my own advantage, for making their own claims to being abused seem less valid. I do not know how to forgive myself and move on from this. I feel as though I deserve all the depression and pain I’ve had because of it, and I don’t know how to stop feeling like I deserve to hurt or die because of it. It is not the source of my depression, but it is causing me to feel like I deserve my depression. It was an awful thing to do, and I don’t know how to live with myself. I was young and ignorant and selfish, but I knew better. I’ve grown up since and I haven’t lied since then, but I still don’t know how to forgive or live with myself-any advice as to how to deal with this would be appreciated.
