Communication: we don’t talk like how we used to


I’m a boy and she’s a girl, it’s the age old cliche and all the mature-aged readers are going to cringe. Anyways, we’ve know each other since high school and have been best friends for a long time (we’re in different universities now). I’ve developed feelings for her a few years ago and I suspect she did too at some point but we were never open about our feelings (keep in mind, I am a male and males are prone to misinterpretations when it comes to attraction so I may be wrong, I might be just a friend. However, we are very touchy and the way we touch seems to suggest that there is at least some form of closeness if not intimacy. We do weird shit like caressing each other’s feet and finger-tracing). Before I tell you the problem I think it’s best for me to give some context.

For a long time our friendship was very solid, we exchanged secrets about ourselves that no one else knew, we would go on coffee, lunch and study dates, we spent a lot of time together. However that changed when we had a fall out towards the end of last year. Long story short, she said and did some things that really really hurt me and I was too much of a baby to get over it.

For a few months, we were very distant and didn’t talk because I was trying to move on, as at that point I was convinced that if she ever had interest in me, it would have been lost by then. However, I kept hearing from her girl friends that she was very upset that we don’t talk anymore. Somehow that made me feel better about myself because it felt like I was getting back at her (I know, I was a douchebag). Looking back, it all seems very childish now and I really regret and HATE myself for not being a better person.

A month and a half ago (and this really highlights how shit I am at being a gentleman), she called me up (at this point I was 99% over her) and asked for a coffee date. Thinking that I had no feelings left for her, I agreed to it believing that we can restore our friendship but this time without me being so crazy about her. One coffee date became another and before long we started seeing more of each other and I was hopelessly falling for her again.

Everything returned to its previous state, except for one thing and I guess this is the problem I’m asking help for; there’s something wrong with our communication. I’ve never had this problem with her of the seven years I’ve known her for but these days, we run out of things to say. Sometimes we could get by with not saying anything by cuddling but other times it’s almost unbearable. I suspect it has something to do with our break-off because I think deep down, we both know how much we care about each other but it seems there’s something stopping us from expressing it. I’m happy with where we are in terms of friendship (I don’t mind if it never progress outside of this stage), I’m not asking for advise on how to move it forward. But it kills me to feel like we have nothing interesting to say to each other anymore and I’m so worried that we will get bored of each other as a result. It’s a very new problem that we’ve encountered and I’d really appreciate advise on how to keep our friendship refreshing and exciting and how to communicate better.

Category: asked April 17, 2015

3 Answers

Perhaps sharing a hobby might be helpful, both of you could try something new together and you could use that as a conversation topic. Or maybe getting into the same tv show or book series.
If there is something weighing heavily on your mind then that presents a major road block to communication. One solution is that you go ahead and tell her exactly how you felt about what happened in the past. Apparently what happened between you two before is too big of an incident to just sweep under the rug. After you talk about the past, go on and talk about how you presently feel about each other. Stifling strong feelings inside yourself is going to cloud any other feelings out of your mind. So if you want to have better conversations your present feelings need to come out as well. Finally ask about how you two plan to proceed into the future. Find out if you're going to be dating or just friends or seeing where the tide takes you. I'm sure that after you both have talked about the past, present, and future you'll have a better chance of continuing your friendship.
Its actually very interesting to me how you and I have the same problems besides the fact that this happens with my boyfriend. Sadly were states away and even though that may seem like a nice way to refresh each others conversation and have something new to talk about we don't. Sometimes I do feel the same way of getting bored of each other but i guess it just what comes with. fear is only things we put in our head so it might just be an awkward phase. Try doing hobbies together, watch a movie, take a walk in the park, and if you want to exceed out of those boundaries sit down and talk in a proper setting and get serious. Don't push and boundaries or anything but put everything out on the table to the point you feel you've address everything you need too, and you might just get a kicker out of that.