i dont even know why im here,to whoever reads this thank you so much beforehand,it is worth reading, this is whats stressing me,so here i go.i am a young mother,since the day i had my baby ive been the best mother possible,meeting and exceeding expectations,i live with my mother.i have been so depressed the passed 5 months,my mom has no money,she complains 24/7 and is very emotionally abusive.initially my mother has always been successful,has several degrees,nice car,and own house,she did all of this on her own so ive always admired her.it hurts me my mother has absolutely no relationship with my son (her one and only grandson)and i am her only child,she does absolutely nothing from sun up to sun down,she constantly puts me down and tells me i shouldnt have had my son (but insists she loves him) which i dont see possible,its ok to be resentful,but its almost been two years.i want desperately to move out and get a car,i HATE being dependent on my mother,i cant trust or rely on her she doesnt support me at all,i have money in my bank acc from my previous job which is how i take care of my son.my mother made me quit my job because she says she didnt want to watch my son,or watch him till i could put him in daycare.mind you i have NO family,none whatsoever,no exaggeration,the only person in this world i have and i should be able to depend on is my mother,she will not watch my son even when im home,she is lazy.she only wants to watch tv 24/7 and sleep,she cleans nothing period,she wont even throw her own trash away,i work like a slave to keep the house in order,i cook i clean i wash, she does NOTHING her room is similar to that of a hoarder,and i know when i move out the whole house will look that way,i think about suicide everyday,i DO NOT want to kill myself,but im so miserable unhappy and numb it wont exit my mind,i cant look people in the eyes without shaking,3 months ago i was raped,my boyfriend and also the father of my child was away for some mistakes he made he is an outstanding father,but he isnt a good boyfriend,he was emotionally abusive,sometimes physical,put me down,was never there for me,he says he’s changed and ready for a real relationship but i cant depend on that,i am not emotionally stable enough to try to focus on love,i want a way out of this so bad,i dont mind working,i have a new job,the only thing is i havent started yet and my mom gets FURIOUS when i say anything about working,she says unless i get a baby sitter and i ride i cant do anything,which is horrible because unlike alot of people i have no one to call for a ride she has a car that runs perfectly fine my jobs are never far,and how am i supposed to put my child in daycare when i dont have much money,before i was forced to quit my last job i begged her to give me TWO DAYS and i would have him in daycare,but she didnt want to watch her only grandchild for two days.the thought of her having to watch him makes her furious at me she stops talking to me and walks around the house huffing and puffing and rolling her eyes ive even begin to think i shouldnt trust her with him,i dont ask my mother for anything,she calls me all day asking for stuff,making me run errands for her..i could ask her for the most simple favor not involving money and she will tell me no, not that she cant but just simply no or that she just simply doesnt want to! it hurts me to my soul i have NO ONE in this entire world that i can depend on,your mother is supposed to be someone who is there even if the whole world turns their back on you.it makes me more angry to think that my grandmother,who was the only person my mother had when i was a baby took care of me,watched me while my mom worked 16 hour shifts…my grandmother had to be in her mid 60s at the time and still watched me with no complaints..my mom is in her late 50s.i was going to school she didnt even support that! its like she gets joy out of rubbing it in my face how i need to live with her and how i need her car.what type of mother is this? a grandmother is supposed to love her grandchild, all she talks about is him when she talks to other people,how she loves him so much and how he is so cute,but wont watch him for 5 minutes while i take a shower,all of my time consists of me and him,i dont get 5 minutes without him,only break i have is when he is sleep,and by then im up all night long crying and in misery because i cant sleep.i dont want sympathy i dont want someone to feel sorry for me but what am i to do when im dying inside? i love my son no matter what i wont regret him,im just ready to have my own,so i can change my number and not have to call her for anything,i love my mother,i just dont understand how she can be such a horrible person to me…she doesnt support me at all! she doesnt want me to believe i can do anything she wants me to believe this will be my life forever,but i refuse to allow this to happen,im only 18 and im so miserable,for a long time ive remained optimistic and hopeful…but i just dont know how to carry on,it hurts to have to need a ride and im tired of living in someone elses house,what type of parent doesnt want their child to goto school and have a job? or to have 2 or 3 jobs if they need it! especially if they have a child…she puts me down,talks about me, then when i get upset she’s like “what are u mad for” “u are such a b*tch” “i wish u would move out like u say u want to because i am sick of u” i stay in the same house with my mother yet its like im renting a room with a stranger,i keep the house in order i keep gas in the car,and she doesnt support me in the slightest…she treats me like a dog and tries to prevent any possible way of me having my full independence,i cant ask her for 5 dollars,she cant do anything for me yet has the nerve to prevent me from working.i hate thinking suicidal thoughts,i could never be selfish enough to take my own life and leave my son here without a mother,but ive been through so much and no one EVER cares to listen,its like when i talk my words go in one ear out the other ppl dont even sound interested,so ive developed this bad habit of literally just being quiet i talk to no one,my boyfriend i feel i should be able to depend on him,i never let these feelings out, no one knows i was raped in my own neighborhood by a stranger..it happened so fast its like i went into shock, after he raped me he made ME apologize!!! constantly tears come out of my eyes because everyone in my life who i love treats me like im scum of the earth,they treat my like complete crap then turn it on me like “why are you mad” and proceed to be mad at me.even the man who RAPED ME made me apologize!!!!! was i put on this earth to be victimized by everyone in my life? its sad i have no hope for the future,i want to keep fighting but its so hard to…the number one thing i want is to move out of my mothers house that would be the 1st step to me recovering, because it is so unhealthy for me to live here,i cant even wake with my heart having joy in the morning because she wont hesitate to say something negative about me like “you think you’re about to work but your not” every time my son cries she complains and gets mad,making me feel pressured and nervous,she does nothing for him but always complains. she will find anything to curse me out about.i need my independence,my full independence because no one truly cares about me,im not one of those people who gets a little sad and says “no one cares about me” NO ONE truly cares about me,i have no real friends,the man i gave all of me to says he loves me but never shows it in the slightest,my own mother treats me like i was supposed to be an aborted fetus…no one is here to listen there is literally no one i feel i can put my trust in,people judge me,without even knowing me,i dont even talk.i stay quiet in social situations,yet im still talked about,i realize ppl will always talk about you but im a genuinely good person,im loving im honest im caring and i would give the world to those i love. so why am i treated so badly? i just want to escape,not a fake escape,not a cowardly escape but a real escape! thank you for hearing me out whoever you are.i could go on and on but it feels good to kind of speak to someone,even a stranger
