Don’t know what to do anymore.

My biggest dream is to become a successful professional actor, but I have some seriously huge problems and Ive just given up hope, but I was hoping someone on here could help me and give me a reason/reasons to keep trying. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I’m a 16 year old guy, mixed race, parents split when I was a toddler, I have alopecia and aspergers syndrome, I was diagnosed with both these illnesses when I was still a child. I was very easy to anger and when I got angry I got really violent, I hurt a lot of people, including family and friends. I threw chairs at teachers, swore a lot and was just a complete nightmare to be around. I was kicked out and sent to an anger management school where I was kicked out of shortly after for being too angry.

Then I got to middle school and this is where things got seriously out of hand. I still kept getting into fights but these where much worse, I was even more violent then I was back in lower school. I fly kicked a kid in front of a teacher 10 minutes after he had hit me for no reason (So he kinda asked for it). But I hurt a lot of people badly for really silly things like accidentally kicking a ball at me or calling me a stupid name. I was made popular for how violent I was and most people where scared to be around me. I made it to year 7 where I was kicked out permanently for calling a teacher something, I can’t remember.

I was put into a temp school while people where trying to find me a main school to go to. I got through that fine, everyone there was like me and most of the teachers where understanding I didn’t get violent with anyone. But because it was just a temp school I had to leave once I had a place in the main one.

I had learned to control most of my anger by the time I was put into my next school. I stayed quiet and didn’t talk to many people, so people thought I was weird, and as most of you probably know already, “normal” kids like to make fun of the “weird” kids. So that’s what they did. I put up with the ridicule for most of my time there, but one day a kid in a younger year I had never even seen before started talking about my mum being dead, that pissed me off. But still, I kept my cool and walked off, but then later on I bumped into the same kid in the corridor and he started calling me a loner and that I had no friends, which is when I lost it. I punched him in the nose and eye, grabbed him by the head and smashed his face into the wall. I only got kicked out for a few days. And made it through to high school.

It was better here, a few kids from my old school still made fun, but I could handle it. I got through the first year, and then in most of my classes was this really annoying girl who would not stop staring at me and whispering shit to her friends and pointing. She done this every god damn day, then one day I just had enough, I walked up to her, grabbed her and said “Why do you keep looking at me?” She then slapped me with a folder, so I lost it again. I smashed her head into a keyboard, threw her on the floor and proceeded to stamp on her and kick her. No one stopped me, not even the teacher, I just finally realised what I was doing and walked off. I was later told that I was being permanently excluded which confused me because fights happen all the time in high schools. They told me it was because of how brutal the attack was. I was sent to another school to help with my problems, I only had a few fights and hurt people badly, but I didn’t feel so bad about those, because one was racist to everyone who wasn’t white and the other was just a complete douche. I made it through the last 2 years.

And now I’m here. I sit in my room all day and play video games. I have over 40 games and just sit here playing them. Eat, play games, workout, take a shit, go to bed. That’s my daily routine. I rarely go out because I’m scared of what I might do. Sure, I can control my anger much better than before because I’m growing up, but I can only stand a certain amount of piss taking before I lose my shit.

I don’t like people, I don’t like talking to people, I have intrusive thoughts about murdering my family, which I would never and will never do. My life sucks, it has no meaning. Ive given up. I stopped believing in ‘God’ a long time ago. The only positive thing in my life is the dream of becoming an actor. But its just that, a dream. The illnesses I told you about get in the way of the dream. The aspergers makes it extremely hard for me to socialize and communicate with people, and then the alopecia which causes hair loss, I only have a few tiny patches, but there still noticeable, this is a problem because Ive never seen an actor in a TV show or in a film with alopcecia, so it makes me think that directors and whoever else don’t like to have a guy with bald patches on camera.

Sorry this was so long. I want to change and I want a change. What do I do? I really need help, so if you have any to give, thank you.

Category: Mental Disorders asked November 26, 2013

link

NeedHelp

4 Answers

2 accepted

First of all, I have to say, never give up on your dream. Having a dream is wonderful, and I envy you for that — you actually have something worthy to fight for. If you really mean it, becoming an actor, then your life won't ever be boring; it may become hard, yes, you may want to give up, yes, but it will never be boring and that's the best thing ever!
Recognizing what you have done wrong and right is the first step for success. Your illnesses will get in the way, but that's just something you'll have (and will be able to!) overcome. I actually know someone with aspergers syndrome. Will make this quick because I don't want to bother you: I'll be honest. I found the girl really strange. I was in my second-year of high school when I saw her for the first time. I didn't exactly get scared of her, no, not at all (well, maybe once, will explain it further on). We spoke for the first time and I did get the hint on how different she seemed to be. WAIT! Don't get this the offensive way, let me get this straight for you. She was cute, she had this major crush on cartoons so we talked a lot about cartoons and everything. A few weeks had passed and she walked to me and said my full name. I was scared because I couldn't recall when was it that I had told her my name. Still, I found it amazing. We spoke a few more times, but nothing relevant. Next year, she went back to the first year, but this time in my area, but we didn't get much along. Her syndrome was really advanced. I don't know how it is with you, but she spoke to herself really loud, in different voices and emotions, she answered to herself, she had her own world and I envied her for that when others just found her weird. Horrible how people can be. She wasn't violent, she was always smiling but I highly doubt she was happy. Or maybe she was — with herself.
Seeing how you are completely aware and conscious of what you did makes me want to conclude you'e not a bad person. Having thoughts of wanting to murder your family but then saying right away how you would never do that just tells me you're not mean, at all. You may be violent to people, yes, but there's a reason to it, and you said it: you don't like people. People are mean, people are judgemental, people are stupid, God— people are awful! I am awful, I am stupid, I'm a person. That's it: we are part of that idiotic group called People. That's our condition and there's no way we can run away from it— no! That's just another stone in our path that we have to kick away to make our dreams come true — to become an actor, you have to accept you are a person. Plural for person is people, we are people. I'm not telling you to start loving people (wait, what, not at all, I also dislike people). I'm telling you how you should stop caring about other people. Yes, I know you tried. People are provocative and some are just so stupid that they totally deserve being hit, it's like they're actually asking to be hit. But no, that jus makes it worse. That's the worst thing you can do: give attention to people. Just don't! You are someone, you're someone great, you're someone with a dream! (how beautiful is that?) How can you give your attention for free just to anyone?
But then again, seeing how helpless you are, have you thought of the possiblity that everyone, that every single person out there, has its own problems? Will leave it like this. I'm so sorry for the long answer. I really hope I helped, I really hope you fight as much as you can to become an actor, to overcome your hatred towards people in general. Go for it, fight for what you deserve, and I will always be here to help you in everything I can. Keep it up! Hope to hear from you soon.

link

Marie

I probably can't help as much as some others that may answer but I wanted to let you know that you can accomplish your dream as long as you are willing to work hard to obtain it. I don't believe in sugar coating what I say because that only serves to block progress.... You have many challenges to overcome. First I would find some professional counseling for your aspergers because regardless of the profession you choose, you have to be someone that people want to work with. Socializing is like any other skill you can learn, I had to learn how to "small talk" with others that I didn't know well but as with anything the more you do it the easier it is. Second... acting is a very competitive field as everyone wants to be a star. Focus on your talents and get some acting lessons and start auditioning. Third... I wouldn't worry too much about the alopecia as most acting jobs will have hair and make-up people that will make you look your best. Good Luck!

link

terrasan

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/slideshow/celebrities-alopecia-stars-battle-hair-loss-disease-15097096 Work hard, find a acting group and enjoy, you're still young, your dreams can come true.

link

Rui Gomes

154

Thank you so much to the both of you. You have given me great confidence. I'll pour my entire heart into acting and give it my best shot, thank you once again!

link

NeedHelp