A few months ago, a classmate called me suddenly a pedophile, actually, more than one time. My first reaction was “Oh my god, I can’t beleve she just said that to me, again…”. I always had a big hate for childrapers. But about one 1 hour later I thought “What if I´m a pedophile? No, that’s impossible…but what if?”. When I masturbate, I actually only think about girls of my own age (I’m 15, almost 16, male). And I never really liked children. But every moment, every second or hour, I think I’m a pedophile. I think it’s really nasty to have sex with children. It isn’t right, and it isn’t me. After she said that, I had to do an internship on an elemtaryschool. And I was thinking more and more that I was one. I was thinking about sex with children. But I didn’t enjoy it. I don’t like to masturbate with children in my head. I don’t feel anything.
But I’m starting to think more of children. Deep inside me, I KNOW I’m not a pedophile, but I do think I am one, every day more. One time I was thinking that a child, who I gave class (4 years younger than me), was cutiful. Even that moment, I was thinking I was a pedophile. But the funny thing is, I was never in love with a little child. How can I get this weird thing out of my head? I already did some researche. I found something about POCD. If I read about someones story with POCD, I recognize so much things…
I don’t have the desire to have sex with children, but I think if this continu, I will.
Now, after a few months, my life excists out of fear, depression, and the worries I am a pedophile. I don’t sleep very well, anymore. I don’t like to play Irish folksmusic on my Irish flute. I don’t like to dance. I don’t like to programming software anymore.
Anybody hints? Do I got POCD?
Thank you so much for taking time for my story!!