Dealbreaker: wanting/not wanting children?


We’re both 19 right now and we choose to thrive as individuals along side each other. What we feel indefinitely is love (3 years and ongoing I hope). Thing is he is very career oriented and wants to become a doctor. He’s already decided that he “might rather commit to his job”. So I asked “so… Thats your answer? You never want to have children?” He says “i just dont want to have a family if I don’t want one or can’t have one”

I want to have children at some point in my life. He initially did too. We’d created funny baby names for fun and now he says he doesnt want kids anymore. He feels that it’s also “because I don’t think ill ever see them bc of work or even have them on my mind”.

Is it too early for us to even ponder the thought of having children at all?
Do we break up now ?
Stay friends (we were initially best friends)?
Do I stay together with him because we love each other immensely and hope he’ll change his mind one day?

We both want whats best. We just cant decide the “whats best” part yet.
Please and thank you for any small/large tips of advice. I’m very appreciative towards any help. Have a good day/night !

Category: Tags: asked August 24, 2015

6 Answers

He may change his mind, you never know. Especially since he had originally wanted a child. And I highly doubt that if you both decide to have one someday that the child would never be on his mind. I sort of went through something similar. My boyfriend used to never want kids and I did. I stayed with him because he's the only person I've ever wanted to be with. He eventually changed his mind and now we are expecting a little girl in December. He's currently in school and working towards getting his doctorate eventually (as well as working). He's gone with me to every appointment and he's very excited. We both know it is going to be stressful and hard work but it's worth it.
Med student here! You guys are pretty young to be considering kids, but if the relationship lasts then more power to ya. So, I totally get his concern, it makes a lot of sense to feel like he won't have any time. But the doctors I shadow/work with talk about their kids all the time. They're always showing me and the nurses pictures and telling stories. It definitely will be less time than the average father, but it's not like he'll never see them. Bottom line is: work is important, family is important, and it's possible to make time for both if you want it hard enough. Hope that helps!
Hi, Avocado101.

I don't think you should make a decision about breaking up just yet. From what I gather reading your post it sounds like he is more-so on the fence than anything. Unless I'm mistaken, it sounds a bit more like he feels that being a doctor won't allow him to have the work/life balance to properly raise children. I am somebody who when discussing this subject really dislikes to hear "you're just too young to know you want them" or "give it time", but I think at nineteen years old he is likely figuring out how balancing a career and life responsibilities is all going to work. I would discuss it with him further. Ask him: if he knew for sure he'd be a proper parent while still maintaining his career, would he choose to have them? It may be his fears holding him back. Give him a little time to think about your discussion and tell him you'll check in again with him in the near future. If he' still uncertain at that point then you may want to come to a decision about the relationship. One thing I know for sure, it is never a good idea staying with someone in hopes they "change their mind one day."

I wish you the best of luck and hope that answers come your way soon. :)

Take care,
We aren't planning to have kids right now. As I've said, we were simply pondering the idea of having children when we're older. Right now we both want to focus on school and enjoy life. Thank you all for the advice thus far!
It is too early to have children anyway. There is a lot of work in establishing a career and if that is his goal, he should be given the opportunity to pursue it. So you could always hang around for as long as the love can carry you until he gets the opportunity to get established and then revisit the children issue. Otherwise you may as well move on now.
Uhm, I think you should discuss your ideas about abortion in case you get pregnant, and consider staying only if you are ok with not planning to have babies, nor keeping unplanned ones, or keeping them but raising them on your own.