Hello. (I apologize ahead of time for the length!)
I’m a College Freshman, and I’m 6 weeks into my first semester at my college. I was Homeschooled and managed to get into some respectable colleges, some insanity happened with my first choose though, so I ended up going to my current one instead (not going to say the name for fear that someone here goes there) I THOUGHT it would be good, but it’s so not. (I will explain the problems with it, and then my delema)
OK, first, I would like to say that for the first 2 weeks of college I was doing FINE (other then getting sick with the “College plague” that was going around the second week) I was happy and doing well, heck I even came home for the weekend the second week and went back all happy and fine with going back.
Things started to change though after that. One of the “Friends” that I had made in college, kinda proved she was not right in the head mentally. She ended up having a 6 inch double bladed knife (illegal in the state) stashed in her room and that she carried around. We also got into some fights (before I knew about the knife) That were ridiculous and she kept trying to put them off saying that because of her “mental dissbailities” She couldn’t be held responsible for her actions (red flag for me XP) She’d been in a mental hospital many times and she didn’t know how to deal with people at all and this and that. I wanted to make it work, but it kinda scared me. Then the knife incident happened, and I turned it in once I found it, that thing was scary! And sh ekind found out it was me who turned it in.
She came BANGING On my door, FURIOUS, and the ONLY reason she didn’t attack me was because one of my other “Friends” (more of an acquaintance really) was there and stopped her! I went right to public safety the next day (it was 2am when this happened so I LOCKED my door and went to sleep then got up early the next day) and told them everything and how I was terrified that something was going to happen. What did the school do? Nothing. They fined the girl $50 and then let her go. And that fine? It was the state fine for having an illegal weapon, she got NO punishment form the school. (Faith in school down a LOT at that) and now she is convinced we are still friends and keeps trying to contact me even though I have told her, nicely, that I really would like to not talk to her anymore if at all possible, not be friends. So yeah hoping that doesn’t turn into a stalker situation (told the school about this possible problem, again, they did NOTHING)
Anyway, I’ve spent too many words on this. That was the main problem that started this lovely downward spiral. So that had me paranoid, obviously. Then the acquaintance that had helped me before, showed she’s not exactly stable either and totally flipped shinkey on me when I was having a BAD day and couldn’t support her like she always wants me too.
I had to move rooms TWICE, once because of a demon roommate that I am not going to get into, and anxiety because my first 2 roommates that I was originally going to have attacked me, and the second time because it was SO loud (And trust me I tried EVERYTHING to block the noise!) that I couldn’t sleep for 3 weeks! Thankfully I got moved to a medical single away from the noise, other then construction which wakes me everyday at 7am but it’s better then no sleep!
The lack of sleep and stress so didn’t help anything. Then the knife incident happened. Then, I went to my Accidemic Adviser to talk to them about declaring my Major (Psychology and Sociology) and I don’t know WHY but she HATED ME!! She treated me like I was stupid and incompetent and stopped me for adding my second major (Sociology) and just MADE me take only Psychology. This was when I was already at the end of my rope. So I tried to fix it by changing my Accidemic Adviser but I ran into problems there. Every place in this school, it seems like they don’t give a crap about their students.
On top of it all, the food, it’s generally undercooked and disgusting, gotten food poisoning on many occasions here already. (Just had to get that jibe in sorry)
Most of the others students, they are kinda assholes. I have 3 friends I guess, one is blind and the other is a great guy but he kinda becomes an asshole when around other people XP and the last… is kinda flaky honestly, I don’t feel like I can talk to her about much XP Then I have a bunch of Acquaintances. Most everyone there, is OUT to GET you if you make them angry and that can be the littlest thing. The cliquishness of this place is almost PAINFUL! Half the people are druggies or literally mentally unstable (I have NO problem with people with mental problems, it’s when they start attacking me for no reason and using their illness to get away with it that I start to have problems with them!) and the rest, well they are just dicks. The atmosphere because of the people and staff mixed together, it’s horrible. There is NOTHING more I want right now then to get out of here. If I could commute here I would! But I can’t because I live 2 hours away at best, and with 8am classes, that becomes brutal.
It’s hard to explain everything using words and a keyboard. But anyway. I thought I could push through and transfer at the end of this semester (With them possibly dropping my second major anyway that’s a “Well gotta go then XP” Kidna thing anyway) But starting 2 weeks ago and REALLY this last Monday I have become highly depressed, I keep crying, and when thinking of going back (like right now) I can’t stop crying and just wanting to drop out and pick a school closer to me and just commute there or something!
However. It’s not that easy. I can’t just drop out. I was Homeschooled. The fact that I got into these colleges (as my mom makes very very clear) is a miracle in and of itself. I HAVE to stay in college and finish this semester. I can barley focus on my work and I am utterly miserable, but I have to finish it. If I drop out now, my mom and dad will basically disown me. My mom has made it clear she thinks the fact that I cannot seem to manage with this college is the most pathetic thing she has ever seen in her life, and she is highly dissopointed in me.
I can’t drop out. I don’t think I can push through either. If I could, I would want to commute to one of the 3 colleges near me. My parents want to move. It’s not fair to them to keep them stuck here for the next 4 years because I can’t, or don’t want too, deal with dorm life again for fear of how it may be. They don’t want me commuting. They want me OUT.
I feel trapped. I can’t drop out and go to a new school. I can’t transfer to one that I want. …. and I can’t stay. I feel like I am going to loose my mind if I stay. I can hardly do my school work, and while I WANT to do well, it’s hard to focus and do well when you’re stuck in a depressed spiral. I tried talking to my mother about all of this, and it’s obvious she would kill me if I dropped out, and she is already dissopointed in me. I’ve tried going to the counseling center, but that doesn’t help much.
What should I do? Should I TRY and stick it out through the rest of the semester and then transfer schools for next fall? Or should I go with what I believe is best for me, and drop out, but also probably face the wrath of my parents, and possibly have problems getting into another college (if my mother is right)?
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve begun thinking that killing myself might be the best option. I know it’s stupid, but I just CANNOT figure out a way out of this hell hole. I need some advice. What do you think is the best option? PLEASE Anything would help, I just need some advice that isn’t from angry parents or relatives….
Thank you.
-Ryn
