I might be being overdramatic, because I did grow up in a very close family and community and i was very lucky.
But now I am 19 years old and trying to find my way a bit, and I feel like in this small community I am supposed to follow in the status quo routine of life; marry someone the community knows/approves of, move into a nice little house next door to your parents, and continue living the way you have growing up in the same little bubble. (I may be over exaggerating a bit but its still the gist of things)
It just scares me because I feel like I cannot grow into who I want to be because I have to fit into this mold with so many limitations. I can basically only date people my family knows of their family. (I dont HAVE to, but its looked down upon otherwise). And it scares me because I just feel like its really rare for me to click with someone and be able to be my complete self and be my happiest, in love, self with someone. And the fact the the pool of people I need to choose from to have my future with is so small, I feel like I won’t find someone who I have that connection with. And wind up marrying someone who is only practical.
I want to be able to make my own decisions and mistakes. My family makes that hard for me by continuing to set me up with people and then making me feel like I am doing something wrong by deciding not to go on a second date. Because they see nothing wrong with the guy. Ya there is nothing wrong with him, but its not about him. I just want to find someone who brings out that special side of me. I want to feel something real. And I am scared I will have to compromise that for my family just so they are happy with the person I wind up with. I hate having them involved in my dating life.
I am only 19 and my dad acts like Im 80. He’s like “you’ll be twenty soon and youre still single!” It angers me so much. My grandma got married at 17, my sister got married at 21, my aunt got married at 16 (that was crazy). I mean i am only a sophomore in college. I hardly even got my own life started, I dont want to share my life before I have my own.
Sometimes I want to move to another state so i can have clarity to make my own decisions for my own life. I dont feel like i can do that here. But i am not prepared financially or emotionally to do that. I couldnt leave my family and friends.
I feel stuck.