Can my relationship survive?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost four years. I love him so much. We have been living together for three years, and it has provided me with some of the best and worst memories of my life. He is clinically depressed, and three years ago he decided to stop taking his medication. I strongly believe that that is his choice, and so I chose to support him in whatever he wanted to do. However his choice was accompanied by obvious and expected changes in his behavior. He often becomes closed off, silent, and distant. I have tried in the past to talk to him, and to try and help him, but all he wants in those moments is to be left alone. I’ve tried really hard to give him what he wants, but if what he wants is to be left alone, then where does that leave me? I stupidely thought, when he first stopped taking his pills, that he just wanted to find a different, natural way to cope with his depression. Now I see that all his plan included was living with his depression. I just don’t know anymore if I can live with his depression too. He never wants to talk about it, he says he’s just “f**ked up” and that’s the way it is. But his behavior has impacted my happiness and I don’t think that’s fair. At the same time, I see it as a betrayal on my part to leave him because of an illness he has (mental or otherwise). I am so torn and I don’t know what to do. I want him to be the man he was when I fell in love him, but that man is just a medicated version of his real self. What can I do?

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Baby's Little Monster

4 Answers

It's a terrible position for you to be in. You need to feel happy in the relationship, your relationship CAN survive but your boyfriend needs to help himself too. Depression is difficult to just get through without assistance but after three years I think it's not working so well, he needs to get proper help. If you truly think you and him can work through it, you just need to be patience. I think you are incredible for sticking by him so long, I truly admire people like you. I really hope he gets better, you're clearly a great girlfriend for someone like him. Best of luck to you with or without him.

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Perfectly Imperfect

I think your boyfriend really needs help: if he was assigned medication, it's probably important that he take them! Maybe if you can convince him to take his pills again it will all work out. If he still refuses to, you may want to seek professional help for the sake of his health!

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kitkatp

Depression really does eat away at you and the others closest to you. You're at a point where you basically have to sit him down and tell him that this is hurting you a lot and he really needs to take his medication so he can live again or just might have to leave. It's not fair to you to have to suffer and it's not fair to him to have to live like that. No one should have to go through this, not willingly, that includes you both.Maybe this is the moment in your relationship where you have to be the strong one and call the shoots here.

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Vickie

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Oh dear. <3 This sounds like a terribly tough situation to be in. I think you are so brave and amazing for doing this as long as you have. Love is a really tough thing and it's extremely hard to see what's right and wrong here. I think you need to do what's best for you - and that includes telling him that he needs to get treated. Depression is half lifestyle & half chemical imbalance - and he can take the steps to try and correct the imbalance.I think the most important thing here is open communication. If you don't have it, you won't get anywhere, and if he's unwilling to do that, then I think that you have to leave. This is YOUR life and YOUR future - you can decide what's best for you and right now, it sounds like the way things are is not the best for you. If he's not willing to even consider the possibility of getting help - at the very least couples therapy - then it might be a sign that it's time to let go.Letting go is incredibly hard and huge, huge decision. But again, I think you need to keep yourself in mind here - it's your life and you deserve to be happy too.

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Kadence