Am I the monster in the closet?

This is about to be a bit long but hopefully interesting for you and productive for me
I`m usually in the position of a listener so this is a bit difficult for me to explain. My friends and family often come to me for advice. A friend of mine recently had some personal dealings with a psychopathic boss which caused me to dig in a bit on the matter.
So here`s the deal. I read a couple of books -Robert Hare , Martha Stout etc. and I did NOT relate to anything to the problems described. During my “research” i came across an online psychopathy test- I took it and it scored me in the top 98%. Then i find a couple more and the results were similar. When I really thought about it I can`t recall feeling guilt – ever. Also if a definition a conscience is a “sense of obligation ultimately based in an emotional attachment to others ” I guess I don`t experience that either.
Having found this it deeply bothers me. Mainly because it sharply contradicts to the way I view myself.
I suppose I should add a little something about me and what I think of myself:
I`m an introvert and a bit of a loner, I am confident and I fell comfortable in my own skin, I like reading scientific stuff and I enjoy having philosophical debates; I believe that the purpose of life is improving yourself;I believe that the world would be a better place if people helped each other more; I believe in my ability to change the circumstances that I live in. I`m rational ,calm and in control of my emotions or even physical pain. I like to observe other people, and I like conducting experiments on them (some of which go on for years), people have being telling me that they find my presence intimidating and even chilling sometimes and at other I can be enticing. That they cant`t tell when I lie and I guess I can be manipulative (I feel manipulating people is easier than it should be) .I`m impulsive, I like adrenaline, I don`t tolerate being control or being told what to do, I live by my own rules .
BUT I am an honest person , I do NOT abuse others neither emotionally nor physically, I don`t spend my time playing control games ,moreover I don`t view people as tools. I often get out of my way to help others and I put effort into being nice. People close to me consider me wise and seek help and advice from me, I usually take charge when things get tough or when work needs to be done.
So, what I ask for here is your opinion or a suggestion on the matter.Could I be completely oblivious to been a psychopath? I really don`t think psychopathy or sociopathy fit me. I also seriously considered narcissism and borderline personality disorder but they don`t seem to fit me either ( I appreciate constructive criticism , I have little to no need for attention or approval , no mood swings…). Any ideas as to what can be behind this?
Thank you for taking the time of the day to read this, I appreciate every answer.

Category: Mental Disorders asked February 23, 2015

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theelephantintheroom

3 Answers

You should read books about stoicism.

I understand your concern. I won't tell you my whole life story, this is not the point here, but basically, my dad was a horrible person who'd beat me and insult me an so on. When I was 15, I realized I did have some characteristics in common with him: I liked some of the same stuff, I was quite an introvert myself, I could get mad sometimes and I was worried I could lose control the way he did and become as asocial as he was. But then I tried to rationalize that. Many people are not extra extrovert and that does not mean they are bad people. Many people sometimes get mad because they had a terrible day, and as far as you don't start punching people around, there is nothing wrong with getting mad sometimes, etc. I ended up realizing that, no, I was not like him, that I was not a bad person.

As for you, you believe in a better world and you say you try to improve what is going on around you. You help your friends and family when they are in trouble. Now, what's wrongwith being introvert and control your emotions ? That does not mean you're a bad person nor an unstable person.

Now about the experiments on people (how exactly ?) and the manipulating thing (manipulating them to do what ?), I do think this is something you should not do. That does not make you a psychopath, but I think that can really damage your relationship with other people. Also for the "living by your own rules" thing, it is a good thing to believe in your values and to stand up for what you believe and not let people control your life, and as far as you don't cross the line of the law and social conventions, you're fine.

It's a little hard to talk your whole issue through in one single answer to your post but I'd advice you to rationalize the reasons why you're worried about that. There might be things to improve in yourself, and I'm sure you won't refute that this is a very normal and natural thing. I think it's good that you question yourself and make sure you're going the right way but don't be extreme in your self-judgement. Improve what needs to be improved, try to have an objective approach on what you do.

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Junels

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Actually, when I read the title of your question, I thought you'd go another way, I thought you'd wonder if you're your own enemy because to me, the monster in the closet is what is trying to hurt you. Reading your whole question, I realize this is not your point but still, I thought it might be worth saying : you say you're there for your family and friends and try to improve the world you live in. Maybe you're so into philosophy and you think so much about ideas and concepts that you do forget a little bit about the everyday life (I could relate to that), therefore, things that actually happen to you seem to affect you less because they are not your main concern, they are just everyday life stuff (I could relate to that too although I've started to go the other way lately). That does not make you a bad person at all but maybe you worrying about this is a hint that you might unconsciously need to focus on more concrete things for awhile.

It's just athought of mine, I don't know you enough to know if that's true or not.

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Junels

555

I do not believe you are a psychopath. I have a close friend who also shares a lot of the characteristics you described. Hell, if you said you are great at public speaking and fighting, you would be him. But he isn't a psychopath, he just doesn't feel nervousness or guilt like most empaths do. He gives great advice, he helps others, and while he does manipulate people, he never hurts them. I believe you just share many characteristics with psychopaths. Your worry for your self-image also shows genuine care, and I have a firm belief you will make a positive impact as long as you don't use your powers for evil (which goes for everyone).

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Game

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