So this may take me a while.
I’m 25, single and I hate it. I’ve never really done the “dating” thing because all of my previously relationships/flings have all come through friends of friends and they all come with the frame of reference of my late teens/early twenties.
I’ve been single now for I’d say 4-5 years. At first I was used to it and I learnt to be my own person. Some might say this alone time has grown my confidence levels. But now, I’m getting to the point where I hate it. I just want to be with another person both for the companionship but also the physical side. And that is not just sex but hugs and kisses and touches that only you and a partner have.
I don’t tend to “get out” much – most of my friends are in relationships and don’t really do the “clubbing/bar” thing. I work full time and feel exhausted when I come home from work so I don’t really know where/when I can meet people.
I should mention that I am a fairly overweight girl (doesn’t look like it in my picture) and I have body confidence issues. I feel that guys are constantly judging me on my appearance and that’s why I’m never approached by them.
I’ve recently started using the dating app Tinder. With the stigma attached to this app, most would say for a person with self esteem issues this isn’t the path to go on. I have found the app helpful for meeting new guys but it is a tricky situation to be in as a large percentage are only on that app to get an easy lay.
I’ve managed to chat to a few guys that seem fairly genuine and not in it for sex and that has been nice. It’s been nice to chat and connect with people and also see if you have similar interests.
The first guy I started talking to fairly regularly, we swapped numbers. We had a lot in common – both fairly nerdy, into lots of TV, games, superhero stuff etc. He asks me out to the movies but it’s never really 100% clear if it’s a date or not. We have a drink before hand and chat and stuff and then after the movie go our separate ways. We talk a lot and then go to talking fairly little. He claims it’s him being busy but my anxiety goes into hyperdrive and I think it’s because of something else. We end up sexting the following weekend but the whole thing never eventuates to anything and he says he’s not looking for a gf or “anything” at all. So a bit of a bust really.
Second guy I have a connection with, he asks to swap numbers and then he asks me out for a drink. On the first date, we hit it off really well but it doesn’t feel like we have a lot in common, but we don’t run out of things to talk about. Drinks turn into dinner, we end up making out in the park and then go our separate ways. We catch up again and he is really sweet hand holding etc. I initially think he’s being a bit full on too quickly but it is nice to be connecting with someone. We spend the day at the local fair together and then he ends up staying over my place and having sex. We seem to be heading towards being boyfriend and girlfriend but I’m still unsure. He is a little distant during the week via text but I assume it’s because his work is busy. We spend the following weekend at his house and I happen to say hello to his mum and dad. I should mention that he is a gentleman – paying for lunches and coffee and dinner etc. He also says to me things like “how many dates until we’re official” and things like that. I get sick the following week and we’re supposed to catch up and then he is really cold and distant and doesn’t want to see me anymore. And I barely hear from him. It’s not until a week later that I get some closure from him (he has anxiety/depression and jumped in too quickly and is not ready for a relationship yet) but it still fucking hurts.
I go on a date with another guy but that doesn’t go anywhere but there were no pretenses – we were just two different people.
I start talking a lot with another guy who has a lot more in common with all of the others but he is older – I’m 25, he’s 31. Although not a large age gap, I don’t mentally feel like I’m 25 and I have a fear of dating someone who is older who wants to settle down etc. I also don’t have any physical attraction to him and he seems a bit quiet for me. I haven’t talked to him for about a week so I think we’ve mutually agreed to that without even talking.
The latest guy is younger than me – 23. He is really cute and is very nerdy – much like myself. Loves games, loves Doctor Who, gets my pop culture references. During our sporadic conversations on Tinder, he seems really enthusiastic about EVERYTHING. He asks to swap numbers and he asks to catch up. He seems really excited about meeting me which I feel is a bit annoying initially but it actually is really sweet. He asks me when I’m free and we semi-plan something. When I try to text him about it I don’t get any response. I finally get a super apologetic message explaining how bad he feels that he forgot to text me so we arrange to meetup. He then gets food poisoning and we have to postpone. He mentions that he thought he was feeling sick because of how nervous he was to meet me (again really sweet).
We don’t really talk much over the weekend but we arrange to meet on the Tuesday after work. Again, when I try and firm up what’s happening I try and message him and I get no response. He explains it’s because he doesn’t get signal at his work but I’m unsure. We finally meet up and it goes really well. We hang out like friends but he pays for our food/drink like it’s a date. He is really talkative as am I. He gets my references. He loves Doctor Who. We play pool and that was really fun. The only weird part of the evening is he says he has a best friend in San Francisco who’s a girl and they talk a lot. He’s going to San Francisco for his birthday in July. While we’re out, he gets a message from her but his phone dies. So on the way back to my car we stop off at an internet cafe so he can message her. I try not to overlook anything because I don’t know the guy. We hug goodbye and I think it’s a pretty good catch up/date.
I then don’t really hear from him at all over the coming days, no random conversations. I try to message him a couple of times on facebook but he says he is busy or at work or something. I get tired of tiptoing so I say to him that I had a really great time and that I wondered if he wanted to catch up again? He messages me back saying that he would love to and that he really enjoyed meeting me. He says that he is busy for the next few days but we should definitely catch up soon. This was on the weekend and again, I haven’t heard from him since. I messaged him yesterday to ask when he was free and he returned the message saying he wasn’t sure because he’s working a lot. When I ever I try to talk to him out of work hours I get no response. I’ve tried facebook vs text but I don’t seem to be getting anywhere.
I’m not texting him a lot like a crazy person or anything like that but in my head he should be talking to me more if he really is that keen? I don’t want to be blunt with him because I feel that I may scare him off but I don’t want to not say anything either and just let it drift away. He seems different and caring, not like the other guys but I just don’t know. I also have more in common with him than I have with any of the others.
I haven’t really struck up a conversation with anyone else on Tinder. I just feel like although I’m not the one who is initiating things (they’re asking me for drinks/numbers etc) I’m the one who has to do the hard work/chasing. And then again, I have my own self esteem issues I’m battling with and my own anxiety issues that I’m battling with. I don’t like the casual laid back approach because I’ve been single for too long but I don’t want to make it seem like I’m desperate.
How do I get someone to talk to me if he’s the captain of mixed signals?
