Any responses would be much appreciated.
I class myself (inside my head, and now online) to have been emotionally abused by both parents, mostly my mother, as a kid. After researching more about this official label ‘emotional abuse’, I’d also say that she has several of the characteristics that make up a narcistic mother (basically sees her children as support for her own self esteem, like trophies; lacks in compassion; plays siblings off against each other; highly possessive; uses guilt and interprets EVERYTHING as if she’s been victimized; can never accept responsibility for her actions or words).
Despite this however I’m still uncomfortable with the idea of labelling myself as abused in any way; my parents have worked harder than the parents of other children around me to provide more than what they had to, in a physical sense.
If I were to express my thoughts about what I KNOW, not necessarily FEEL, to be true, to others who know me, they would, and have, labelled me as selfish, crazy, overly sensitive etc etc. So I FEEL like anything that I KNOW to be inappropriate interactions between my parents and myself, as treatment I deserved.
I haven’t had friends in over a decade, I’m 23, and ever since I started getting older and my own internal thoughts (now looking back I realise they were just mimicking my mothers projections of HER own insecurities) intensified and self esteem plumetted, I basically have had no relationships outside of my family of my brother, mum and dad. There have been work mates I’ve gotten along well with, but nothing has ever progressed from there. I feel stunted, and robbed, because other kids took a natural pathway into adulthood where they learnt social skills and that they were accepted etc.
The thing is, one of the ways in which this ‘emotional abuse’ occurred, was because my mother was and is terrified of what others think of her and when I started school at 5 I was (as most people are) scared to talk in front of the class. My mum was so harsh with me, and so embarrassed by me, I remember so many special talks between her and my teachers about this ‘issue’. As I got older I believe, by going back to those interactions in my head, that the teachers and students around me picked up on what behaviour my mum deemed as acceptable to me, in regards to my ‘issue’. Like kids would taunt me over being shy, because they saw my mum do it. Teachers made me do things that actually just made it worse, because my mum was so involved in EVERYTHING at school. I literally felt like every interaction between every person, whether they were my age or an adult, was a TEST to see whether I was still defected. I never had a problem with interacting with kids my age at 5 or 8, but by 13 I was petrified of interactions because they were another situation where I could fail.
I’ve been to a shrink and we’ve talked about the emotional manipulation from my mother to me, but I recently cancelled all dealings with this shrink, because my problem is that I just don’t WANT to interact with anyone. I’ve worked in customer service for years and I’ve figured out through that, that there’s nothing actually wrong with the way I talk, that I actually LIKE talking to people, in a way. But when I’m in a non-work situation, I just look for an exit immediately. I think of an excuse to leave or an excuse to not attend a gathering or whatever social people call them, because I literally just don’t want to go. I don’t feel super anxious to the point of being a wreck, but I do shake sometimes and get really cold, but I don’t know what is stopping me. I worry so much, like today, it depresses me, because I wonder if something inside my brain has just died off and I think there’s a very good chance I’ll die alone. Perhaps all this disconnecting from people all this time has meant I will never form attachments with another human being.
I should tell a shrink about the social side of the ‘abuse’, but I feel so ashamed because I don’t want to draw any attention to my talking abilities. But when I was there she seemed to side step this issue where I literally lack in the desire or curiousity in social interactions. A few years ago, I was curious about people and how they worked, but now I am so apathetic. I just interact enough to get by a leave. It’s getting worse not better, I thought it would be the opposite way around.
Any comments appreciated, go your hardest, sorry for the long long message.
