So, this situation has been going on since november already (I’m a college student in my first year, and I started in september), and if in the first months I felt pathetic with no will (I took one exam, and didn’t pass it), in february I finally saw a glimpse of light when I started to attend to a class that is not from my department. With a bit of curiosity and the goal of showing to myself that if I want, I can study, I started this class and I ended it two weeks ago, I took my exam (still have to wait for the result), and now I’m back again with my priority classes: and it sucks. Apart from the main class of my faculty, the other classes are pretty interesting, and with my extra-class I was following my studies (a little) diligently: I felt proud of myself, even though I knew that sooner or later, I would reconsider my actual goals, because since the beginning I didn’t have not even one.
And now that my extra class is over, thoughts returned to annoy me, yes, annoy me, and this is the first time that I have such a feeling. Without a motivation, I cannot do anything: I can’t understand people that goes on because “they have to”, or “just for now, then I’ll decide”, I really can’t. And it hurts me because if I could, I would do just the same, think about it after, but I can’t. I don’t have a goal, or something that makes me want to go on in the meantime. A friend of mine suggested me to stop, and have a pause. But I’m afraid. Afraid that my parents would pick on me as the only failure of the family, afraid that they would push me to a goal that is not mine, and afraid that, like always, I would listen to them just to make them stop. It’s out of question to go back home, but I want to find my way for the future, all I see is a huge cloud of fog that makes me fall on my way to pursue a road. Do you have any suggestions?
I’m sorry that I wrote too much, I just wanted to make clear what my situation is, and I don’t want to go back being so depressed and feeling so left out. I don’t want to! Thanks in advance.
