countmouse said 9 years, 2 months ago:
Hello notreallyhere. I know you said there wasn’t a real need to reply, but I hope you don’t mind that I am.
I’m sorry to hear about where you are right now. I am relating to it from my own experiences of not feeling that I had any energy anymore to fight against the seemingly endless roar of waves, constantly threatening to drown me.
I would like to share a poem I came across last week. I know it can come across a little harsh in bits, I myself do not mean it in that way. But I like the point it makes in the end, and I thought maybe you might be able to see something in it as well. Or maybe not, but I’ll share it anyway just in case. I think it was written by a man named Sam Hayward:
“I am repeating
If you are a hammer
then everything is a nail
If you are a nail
expect to get hit
and don’t complain
If you are a butterfly and meet a hammer
you will be
lucky
wise
or
dead
The question makes a common and wrong assumption…
That YOU have a purpose in life
YOU DO NOT
NO! NO! NO!
You do not have a purpose in life
Life has a purpose in you
Life could not care less
whether you live or die
whether you are smart or stupid
whether you are ugly or beautiful
whether you are rich or poor
whether you are young or old
whether you are healthy or ill
whether you are striped or polka dotted
whether you laugh with delight or scream with despair
Life only cares
that you carry it
pass it on
promote it
succour it
protect it
Life has one purpose only
the seeking of available energy
That is all
nothing else
there never was
there never will be
If you don’t understand that you will never understand anything
Life has no interest in your
silly games
fantasies
imaginations
rituals
philosophies
Arts or Sciences
Victories or defeats
Undying loves, or burning hates
Life does not care
if you stand on a thousand pedestals and be praised in every land
anymore than it cares
if you die alone, forgotten in some arid desert, bleached by the sun
You are the purpose of life
Life does not ponder on you
Species come and go
Some swim, some fly,
Some seek gold at the ends of rainbows
Life does not care
so long as it continues
Ask the wind why it blows
Ask the river why it flows
Ask the Sun why it glows
Ask the cloud why it snows
Ask the grass why it grows
then ask Life what it knows”
You don’t think it’s in you anymore, but I want to gently remind you that by the sounds of it (and you’re probably already aware of it) you aren’t doing things for yourself that give you the energy to put more energy into things that could matter to you, nor are you spending the energy you do have in a manner that feels satisfying and fulfilling to you. You still have the potential, even if you don’t feel it in yourself. Sometimes our potential isn’t in how we feel inside, but in carrying on and acting regardless, having the capacity to act contrary to our own feelings and not being led by them, or even our own perceived physical limitations.
Exercise this mental strength despite how you feel, because it is a different kind of thing. Carrying on as you do, in this kind of zombie mode you are describing, is sort of along the lines of what I am talking about. But instead of doing things that do not logically result in your general health and well being, start doing things that will. It is the same as what you are doing now, just with different results.
The negative pattern of thinking in which you berate yourself, judge yourself harshly and call yourself pathetic, does not give you any energy. it invariably deprives you of it. Those thoughts will grind you into the ground unless you address them. Those thoughts may be part of you right now, but they are also not reflective of everything you are, and who you are. Just how you feel about yourself due to reasons you may or may not be aware of. Striving to be aware is more than half the battle.
Everything can have a beauty and depth to it, but we have to be present to experience it. We inherently experience a meaningful life, no matter what our creed is. Our brain is always working to produce a largely coherent and ongoing perception of our experience, of having self, of having senses with which to experience. Yes, you may need some medication, as the user above me suggests, it does depend on how you are assessed.
I do think we have to learn to some extent, how to be comfortable with uncomfortable – those waves of emptiness and hopelessness, to learn to just sit with them, get to know them well enough that we can let them pass over us like a dark grey cloud. Then we carry on with actively trying to experience in all of the ways we can, this strange and unforgiving force that is life, which always moves so ceaselessly in and between everything that ever was.
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