Tam said 8 years, 10 months ago:

So I’ve always been somewhat of an introvert. I prefer to be alone, to have adventures by myself, being around crowds of people exhausts me, and I find it a lot more intellectually satisfying to do things on my own.
I’ve learned to embrace this aspect of myself, and I no longer fight to be more extroverted. It’s harder to try to do that instead of just adapting.
But I feel so lonely. Even when I’m in a relationship, when my friends talk to me a lot, when things are okay with my family, I feel this huge disconnect, this barrier between me and every other living human.
I know I’m odd, I get told I am a lot, and I also embrace this. I have a tendency to immediately want to befriend someone after speaking with them and learning about them. I really do love people, I love learning their stories, it’s fascinating.
I treat my peers with absolute kindness and compassion and it weirds them out because they’re not used to it, it makes me sort of sad for two reasons;
the first is that they’re not comfortable with it because they haven’t been treated this kindly often in their lives.
The second reason is that I feel a sort of shame for wanting to be a positive factor in their lives, and there’s a constant struggle within me to tone it down, but it just doesn’t feel right.
I’m getting off topic.
Loneliness.
I’ve been considering it a lot, and writing down the thoughts I do have and I keep finding myself in this pit of depression, because I start to find the roots of why I feel this way, why I’m so insecure, why I lack trust among people(Despite it being so easy to just be nice).
And then I think about why I never feel like I’m ever on the same level as anyone else. The only time I ever felt equal to others was when I was given medication for my depression and anxiety, but I was still living in an abusive household and I was cut off from the medication abruptly, sparking more suicidal thoughts and self harming tendencies than before. I just slept for days, counted down the hours until I could go to bed. Lost all my motivation.
Now I’m trying to medicate myself, experimenting with whatever I can get my hands on. I do research, of course. I know it’s a sign of immaturity to want to numb the pain with physical properties, but it’s about all I can do at this point.
I feel like I’ve driven myself into a ditch and it’s slowly flooding with water, and I’m sinking like a cinderblock.
I thought this disconnect from reality would fade as time went on and my life improved, but it’s an ever-present force and I feel like I’m being weathered from constantly being battered.
I don’t want to die anymore, but I don’t want to have to deal with reality, I don’t want to get out of bed sometimes.
When my mind is in a haze from whatever pill I’ve just taken, things make sense for a little while, and I write when this happens. I feel this love inside of me that I wish would come out more often.
Sometimes people will tell me that they think I’m great, that I’m funny or lovely, and I feel happy for just a moment but I feel like there’s just so much shit they don’t know, and these thoughts pour in that tell me I’m nothing. Just a mean bitch, a complete waste of space that doesn’t deserve another breath.
I feel like used goods, a deflated piece of humanity that got kicked around on the sidewalk and is just laying there slowly degrading into nothing.
The thing about pills is once you start taking them, you feel this little dependence for them. You feel really good, and then you get sleepy and wake up and you feel a little better, a little relaxed, overall pretty good. And then days pass and your anxiety gets worse, you feel out of it, worthless without help, and you take another and it starts up again. I know all I have to do is stop and then I can start to make progress but it’s just so fucking hard stop. I don’t feel like I have any reason to. So what if I’m destroying my body? My mind? Who cares anyways.

Tam said 8 years, 10 months ago:

Yeahh I agree with you. I’m working on it, just being more open and accepting to it. It’s not something to be ashamed of, I am the way I am for one reason or another

titan1987 said 8 years, 10 months ago:

from my experience that i would like to share is now a days its hard to be a productive member of society because young adults and adolescent kids, become dependent on so many different depressants you wonder if you can be a productive member of society, because once the feelings of euphoria rub-off you’re system it soon turns to worry.! So however you treat others , is how you’re going to get treated whether wanted or not. it’s an amazing feeling when you think you can’t do something and you find out that is not that bad, but anyways .. you should maybe keep doing you’re meds, because sometimes its sad because you put two and two together and you see that the way of living is deteriorating, everyone wants to be heard and they’ll do what ever it takes to get what they want and then live a life of regret, I heard of a story about this guy who shot his best friend in the head, and months later he committed suicide because he lived in guilt because everyone knew he was the one who killed him… its crazy where I live

big pipsqueak said 8 years, 10 months ago:

It’s not immature to want to numb yourself. Humans instinctively want to get rid of a negative bodily state (the drive-reduction theory). Drugs may not be the best way to numb yourself, but it’s understandable, given where you’re coming from.

Roxy said 8 years, 10 months ago:

Girl, I feel your pain. I completely get everything you just said. I wish I could give you a hug. I could tell there was more you wanted to write, but you cut it down to make it shorter and simpler. I get where you’re coming from though. I’m a introvert myself, and it’s hard to accept. And I get how you want to connect deeply with someone, but you can’t. Yearning for close relationships with people but never having any. That invisible barrier. And how the overthinking and feeling like your trash (this gets worse when I’m not busy and I’m alone) I completely understand. I realised though having pets helps alot, especially having my dog and my horse. Also keeping yourself busy with hobbies and passions. I’ve learned people aren’t usually worth your time anyways. Most of them will leave you once they find someone more interesting. A dog will never leave you.
I just want you to know I can tell you are not a mean nasty bitch. You’re a very strong person with a kind beautiful soul. Anytime that negative voice goes off in your head tell yourself “stop,” and get yourself busy doing something. I also did some research about the negative thinking and what really helps is to go up to the mirror every and look yourself in the eyes, smile, and say “I love you ‘your name’” But say it like you mean it. There was actually a study done on this and people who did this everyday felt better about themselves and gave them more confidence. I hope that helped. Keep being the kind caring person you are, we need more people like you in this world.