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About Me | Hi. My name is Wolf. I was diagnosed at around six, I think, with a mild case of ADHD that has gradually gotten worse in some areas over the last 8 years. I also have Social/General Anxiety that has been “recognised” in the last year. I say recognised because I've experienced it before, I just didn’t know what it was. This was topped off with a mild case of Asperger’s that I was recently diagnosed with, and a form of Psychopathy. (From an essay about Psychopaths, written by a psychologist: “While it’s true that many coldblooded killers are psychopaths, most psychopaths are not killers.” Just so you know that I'm not going to come after you with a chainsaw if you ever anger me.) We’ll discuss my ADHD first. When I was in grade 1, I was sent to the principal’s office almost every day for conflicts and issues in class that I usually did not start. I only got in trouble because I retaliated against whoever was bothering me, usually more extremely than was expected in a certain situation. This elementary school had high expectations and a “zero tolerance for bullying” policy. It was just never enforced when I was involved. This might sound ok, not having to follow a rule, but it wasn’t like that. The others never got in trouble for what THEY did; only I got in trouble for what I did back. Now, one of the big points of ADHD is the person with ADHD feels as if they have no control over their emotions. Pair this with my Asperger’s, and you get a confused kid who can’t control her emotions and doesn’t understand why everyone else is mad at her and why they think she’s annoying. I still don’t! I don’t “get” people. I've always felt as if I'm just here, coasting through life, tolerating people. The only place I've had more than 2 or 3 friends is online, because I can read over messages I'm about to send and edit them if I want to. You can’t do that in real life. Anyways, I was always getting in trouble for things other people started. I became the immediate target. Everyone knew that they could say anything to me and as long as I did something back, they would get off with no more than a slap on the wrist. And do you know how I knew this was the case? They kept doing it. Well, I mean, you would think if you got in serious trouble for something, you wouldn’t do it again unless you had a disorder, like me. Not so with these children. Unless everyone in that elementary school (Teachers too! They were half the problem!) Had a disorder, I strongly believe no one was getting punished severely but me. There was this one boy who always bothered me. (We’ll call him Jack) Now, Jack really liked to make fun of me, but in a way that he couldn’t really get in trouble for. I remember one day I came back to math class from the washroom. (I think this was in grade 6 or 7.) I sat down at my desk, went to get my pencil case from my bag, and I noticed my bag wasn’t there. I thought I had left it in English. (This school worked much like a high school, minus the semesters.) I told my teacher that I think I left my bag in English, could I go get it. Now, this school had 3 floors. Math was on the top floor, and English was in the basement. They were at the total opposite ends of the halls, too. I went down there, checked my English class for my bag. I guess I've always had anxiety because I was on the verge of tears. I don’t know why, but I guess losing my notes, bag and school supplies in the middle of the year wasn’t exactly something to strive for. In addition, I've always hated knocking on a teacher’s door and having 30 kids that you don’t know staring you up and down, judging you. At least that’s what was happening in my head. So, after confirming my bag wasn’t in English, I went back upstairs. I forget what happened next. Either my bag was at my desk, or someone told me where it was because I was about to cry. Well, Whatever happened, I immediately knew who had done it, as only the nicest people in the class weren’t laughing, and the first person to laugh was Jack. Jack has also caused problems for me in the field. (Older kids had the field behind the school, while younger kids played in the playground.) Once I went to look at something or look for someone and I had to leave my laptop on the bench. I told my friend to look after it for all of five minutes. When I came back, Jack was sitting on my computer. (Note- it’s a Macbook Air, so he always used to say how it was so thin there was nothing there.) I told him to get off, and he said, I kid you not, “What? There’s nothing in here, it’s just the case!” Of course, my laptop WAS in there. He just had such utter disrespect for everything not involving him that he didn’t give two shits. Excuse my language. If any of the things he did to me (and he did many more) were isolated, I would have NO PROBLEM with them. But the fact that this went on for 7 years is why it had such a mega impact on me. It wasn’t just Jack psychologically wearing me down, either. Nope. It was another kid, too. A girl. We’ll call her Fat-and-mean because that’s what she was. So, Fat-and-mean liked to cause a lot of problems, too. One time, I tripped over her bag because it was lying in a thin space between two desks that I needed to pass through to get to the teacher to ask him a question. Instead of asking if I was ok and fixing her bag, Fat-and-mean yells at me for “purposefully” stepping on her bag. If falling flat on my face wasn’t enough of an indication that I tripped, I yelled back at her that I didn’t step on it, I tripped and fell on it. She then said, “Well, that’s why you shouldn’t step on other people’s stuff!” I was so mad; it wasn’t even worth arguing with her anymore. I went to the teacher and asked my question, and as far as I was concerned, this was over. Next thing I know, The meanest English teacher in the world is telling me that he believes her story of me stepping on her backpack, and says I broke her laptop case that was inside. First of all, it’s a case. Big whoop. Second, why would you leave your backpack in the middle of the desks with your laptop inside??? Oh, right, because everyone at this school is rich because it’s a private school. (My grandparents wanted me to go because they thought it would be better for me. Guess what grandma and grandpa? It was the cause of my Anxiety!! A whole lot of good that school did me!) Anyways, it turned into this huge thing of he said, she said. I didn’t have to replace a laptop case that was apparently broken a week before I “stepped” on it, so all’s well that ends well. Except, it didn’t end well. It ended with me leaving a school right before grade 8 that could have been very beneficial to me, save for my mental health. Now, I think I have always had a problem with Anxiety. My main problems being “What if they think I'm stupid/dumb/strange?” (This makes up the majority of my Social Anxiety: worrying I will do something and make a fool out of myself.) I fear that if I do something that makes me look dumb, I will be confirming others’ suspicions that I am. I don’t rally know how to explain most of the things I've wanted talked about, and if I tried it wouldn’t be coherent. I have already gone back and checked this over multiple times in the last five minutes. I know that a key rule of writing is don’t go back and edit stuff, but I feel like I have to. Anyways, enough babbling; back to what I was saying. Another main element of the anxiety was “What if I get in trouble?” This was what prevented me from skipping that boring assembly, or chatting with my friend a little longer before continuing on my way home, or not doing anything when someone bothers me. I also get extremely anxious and depressed if my ADHD prevents me from having enough initiative to complete a school project. One time I almost killed myself because I could not bear the thought of facing my teacher and telling her that I'm so worthless I couldn’t even complete a project that consisted of drawing a storyboard. I didn’t want her to call my parents who would ground me and threaten to take away my laptop “next time.” I am in this state of constant fear of what little thing will push my parents over the edge and have my online life ripped away from me. I didn’t kill myself obviously, and I think not doing it made me that much stronger. Next, Asperger’s. This section will be very short, because I don’t have a lot to say about it. My grade 1-7 Elementary school served hot lunches that you could order ahead of time. Sort of like a pre-paid cafeteria where you could only get what you pre-paid for. One of the lunches was pasta. When I was younger I would always have to find a different place in the school to sit (We were supposed to stay in our classes) whenever they served this lunch. The reason being one of the traits of Asperger’s is sensitivity to visuals, sounds, tastes, feels and smells. Some people put Parmesan cheese on top of their pasta, and I COULD NOT stand the smell of it. The librarian was a good friend to my aunt so she let me eat my lunch in the library even though we weren’t supposed to. Next, I am always accused of either staring at people too much or not looking at them enough. I am getting mixed messages here!! Also, I am anxious about talking with new people, especially approaching them. I am slightly more comfortable if someone approaches me, which doesn’t happen often. I really hate writing, so you can read the Asperger’s traits here if you don’t know them already: http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/tc/aspergers-syndrome-symptoms . Read page 1 and the Teen part of page 2. I display almost every trait. The ones I do not display are minor. Last section. Let me come right out and say this. I am a Psychopath. You may remember this quote from my introductory paragraph: “While it’s true that many coldblooded killers are psychopaths, most psychopaths are not killers.” I love animals, and even though Psychopathic children/teens are sometimes known to hurt pets, I would never. I have never hurt a person beyond punching or scratching, and I have certainly never killed anyone. I do find it easy for me to play out events in my head, sparked from random events, such as a person walking by, and these events sometimes have violence in them. I call these my violent daydreams. I am not proud of them, but I will not hide them from you, dear reader. They are a part of me, and I should not hide a part of me, because that will only make the shame grow. I remember I had this daydream when I passed a telephone pole. You often see memorials on telephone poles if someone died close to there. My daydream consisted of two guys killing someone horrendously outside a Wal-Mart by a telephone pole. I have thought of interesting ways to kill people as well, but not innocent people. It goes without saying that Dexter is one of my favourite shows. Now, the second part of psychopathy is an absence of extreme emotion sometimes mixed with a dislike for experiencing extreme emotions. My ADHD causes me to have extreme reactions to things, and my Psychopathy makes me hate myself for it. Aren’t I just full of paradoxes and irony? Thank you for tolerating my rambling text. You may move on to the bonus zone. Bonus: A REAL look into the ADHD mind. A lot of people claim to give you this “look, ” but they themselves do not usually have ADHD. I, however, do. I'm going to write a story (well, it’s going to try to be a story) that I'm going to make up as I go. It’s not going to make sense, and you probably won’t be able to follow the action. I'm not going to edit it at all, besides typos and stuff like that. Here we go. This probably won’t even end up being a story. Hi. I'm Wolf. People call me Wolf. I guess because that’s my name. I don’t know why, but I feel like everyone has a nickname. I mean, people could call me Wolfy, if they wanted, but that sounds a little too babyish, or like you’re talking to a pet. “Here Wolfy~! C’mere Wolfy!!” Yuck. Not for me. I guess not having a nickname is fine, I guess. Did you ever notice that there are some names that just sound gross? Like Gertrude. Yuck. Sorry if your name’s Gertrude, by the way. Did you know some people abbreviate “by the way” as “btw”? I find it annoying. “Btw, I was lyke totes sorry, and u jst didn’t except it!!!1!!” Seriously, I've seen people type like this before. It makes my head hurt. I guess you could say I have OCD, too. Not that it would surprise me. I actually read that there’s a grammar-specific OCD. This is the main reason I hate the term “Grammar Nazi”. I just thought that this “story” or whatever you want to call it is sorta like a game of broken telephone. I started off with something totally different than what I'm talking about now. Popcorn. Do you like popcorn? I can’t eat popcorn because I have braces- no, let me rephrase that. I'm not SUPPOSED to eat popcorn because I have braces, but I eat it anyway. Anyways, people who say “Grammar Nazi” Ooh there’s this pita place called “Pita Nutso” which is supposed to be Pita Nazi (It’s a parody of the Soup Nazi- their slogan is even “No pita for you!”) but I guess they couldn’t do that for some reason. My head hurts. Do you ever get that feeling right behind your eyeballs that hurts? It’s a hurty feeling that hurts. It’s so hurty. Every time you move your eyeballs, there it is. Hurting. That happens to me sometimes. While looking over what I've written so far, I have seen that none of this makes any sense and wow look at this this is more than I've written for any project, ever. Anyways, Oh man I just thought of fluffy ducks. They’re so cute <img src='https://blahtherapy.com/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif' alt=':D' class='wp-smiley' /> . I love emoticons- AGH Let me get back on track. None of this makes any sense so I better stop before I pull you further into the madness. Refrigerator. |
Age | 24 |
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Profile Header | Venter |