Bird said 5 years, 9 months ago:

I’ve suffered from depression for as long as I can remember, I was diagnosed at the age of 8, next year will mark 15 years of clinical depression. My parents never believed it, they refused to pay for medication or therapy, convinced it was an act. I can only imagine that admitting I had a problem would mean admitting they were the most likely cause. I don’t have bad parents, they try, I think. My mom has never really been there, 22 years old and I can’t remember once getting a hug, or a kiss, or so much as a reassuring word from my mother. My dad is an emotional roller coaster, one second he could be joking around and poking fun, the next he’s upset and screaming, sending me to my room or spanking me because I didn’t respond well to his joke. At the age of 12 I tried to hang myself… the rope snapped, no one ever knew. My dad continued to berate me over the smallest things. Words like worthless, disappointing, failure, and loser became the truth I saw about myself. To this day they whisper at the back of my mind, they fill me with doubt and convince me I’m not worthy of love, or forgiveness, or kindness, convince me that people hate me, that I am and will always be alone. That doubt has stopped me from doing so much in my life, which only gave me more regrets and more doubts.
In eighth grade I found out that my only friend in the world, the only person I could turn to, the person I looked up to and loved more than anyone, had killed himself. I had never even known he felt that way. He had always been the kindest and happiest person, I had never felt worthy of his friendship, and now I never will be able to tell him how much he meant to me. I felt so betrayed, so hurt, so utterly alone, I washed down a bottle of pain pills with a six pack of beer I stole from my dad… I became violently ill. After that I shut everyone out, I burned every bridge I could. I yelled at people, called them names, threw things, hit people, everything I could to be left alone. I hated being alone, but I never wanted to feel the pain of loss again.
One morning my freshman year of high school, I told my mom how I felt, told her how I wanted badly to hurt myself, how I wanted to die. She didn’t believe me, she was convinced it was an act. I begged and pleaded for her to believe me, the I wasn’t lying. She responded by reaching in a drawer, pulling out a steak knife, slamming it down on the table and yelling “JUST DO IT THEN!” I just sat there, and that was all the proof she needed. I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream, I sunk into myself, built up walls around my heart, I put on a mask. My mask, the face that has all but become my true face. No matter how I feel I can put on my mask and appear perfectly fine, even to those that know me best.
High school passed relatively quickly. I never dealt with any drama, mostly because I never really knew anyone, never really did anything. I never did any clubs, any sports, anything. I went to school, went to class, talked with people as little as possible, then went home. After skipping graduation so I didn’t have to see any of the people I had met I decided I wanted college to be different. I got into U of I for mechanical engineering. I went down, moved into my dorm and did my best to make friends. And to my surprise I did. I quickly became close friends with a girl, we did everything together, we went out to eat, went on walks, spent long amounts of time just the two of us in her room. I was so happy. Everyone was sure that we were dating, I at one point got questioned on the matter while hanging with a group of guys. I was sure we weren’t and said so. Still, I let a little part of me consider it. So I asked her, she said we were just friends. I was fine with that and thought it would be the end of it. A week later, after her blowing me off several times, I was informed that she had told everyone in the dorm that I was stalking her. And worse everyone believed her, even those I thought I was good friends with. I sunk into one of the worst slumps of my life. I hid in my room, I didn’t eat, barely slept, never went to class. To make matters even worse, a month after that I received a letter from the deans saying that a complaint had been filed against me. Someone had accused me of threatening to stab them. After meeting a few times and getting to know me the advisers decided it was a bogus claim. But the damage was done, now everyone at my dorm, including my own roommate, believed I was stalking this girl and that I had threatened to stab someone. I started going out and walking around all night, then sleeping all day. Never eating in the mess hall, avoiding everyone like the plague. Christmas break came around and I was worse than ever before, but I put on my mask and smiled and told everyone I had done well. In early 2011 I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger… my only saving grace, my own stupidity, I had put a full clip in the gun but hadn’t chambered a round. I tried to work up the nerve to pull the trigger again, but I couldn’t.
Not long after that I found out I had failed out of university. I wasn’t surprised. I started going to community college and living at home. Back under the same roof as my parents. I barely tried, there hardly seemed a point. My life was pointless. I went through every day wishing that I would be t-boned, that I get cancer, that I would just cease. I continued to shut everyone out. I stopped going to class over the smallest of things, I missed an assignment, I scored low on a test, I would’ve been late, or I missed a day. Life slowly progressed. I barely managed to pass on class out of three or four each semester.
The fall semester of 2012 is when everything started changing, that semester I met three girls, Sam, Stacy, and Emily. All of whom I quickly became good friends with. The semester progressed and I was passing all three of my classes, it was a miracle. I tried to pursue Stacy romantically, she rejected me. She then went on to accuse me of bugging her at her work, the public library where I spent most of my free time reading. I had run into her one time and simply said hi, apparently enough for me to be cornered by the librarians and asked to only come back with adult supervision. Once again I had been betrayed by someone I thought had cared for me.
Despite this I was determined to have things be different. I continued to hang out with Emily and talk with Sam. Soon me and Emily started dating, my first relationship. The next semester came along and me and Sam still had classes together, we continued to be good friends. Fall of 2013, a year after meeting her Sam told me she found me creepy and didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I was devastated. One of my only friends, and she had thrown me away like I was nothing.
This year, 2014, has been one of the longest years of my life. January went by without much incident, but in February Emily broke up with me, I was beside myself, I didn’t know how I would go on without her. In March I got my first job, slicing meat at a deli. In April I turned 22, an age that hit me like a brick wall, I felt like I had wasted my life, that the last four years added up to nothing. In May I met Mary. In June I kissed her. In July I went to the renaissance faire for the first time in my life and found my home, a place I was accepted, where I belonged for the first time in my life. In August I started my second job, clean up in a market, while still working my first job, there I have made several good friends and been reunited with some old friends I thought I had lost forever. In September I found out that after months of kissing, holding hands, hanging out, and getting to know each other, Mary had no interest in me and had only been leading me on… I don’t know why, I’m not sure I want to know why. In October I worked at a haunted house, I loved every minute of it, it felt so good to be among people that accepted me without question or hesitation. I belonged for the second time in my life. In November I decided to try a dating app, not long after that I ended up being stalked by a girl, she found me on facebook, somehow got me cell number and berated me with texts and calls, ranging from loving to controlling to angry, all of which hurt my already damaged psyche. I managed to block her on facebook, and had to block five different numbers that she would call and text me from. I was just about done with dating as a whole. In December I met a girl on that same dating app, we hit it off. We liked the same things, enjoyed talking with each other, could joke easily, she was perfect. About a week into knowing her I found out she had lied to me about her age. She had told me she was 19 but I later learned she was 16, I never did anything with her and am glad I didn’t. We hung out once but only talked. I’m still kinda heartbroken over that. I don’t know how to feel to be honest, part of me feels betrayed, but a part of me doesn’t care. It doesn’t help that I still have those words whispering in the back of my mind telling me I deserve whatever pain I receive.
This year has seen me grow so much more than I thought possible. I have been knocked down like never before and have managed to get back up and keep going. I have found places and people that make me truly happy. I have been lead on, lied to, stalked and left. I still often feel like my life is pointless, like those around me wouldn’t notice if I was gone, or that they may even be better off if I was. I still contemplate my own death, I still wish sometimes that something would just end my existence. I don’t know how to love myself, I’m not even sure how not to hate myself most of the time. I don’t want to be sad anymore, I don’t want to just sit by and let myself feel like this. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m meeting the real me, like I’m finally becoming whole. I don’t know what 2015 will bring. Probably plenty of heartache, lots of sorrow, hardship, pain, suffering, but also joy, friendship, happiness, growth, change. I hope I can continue to get better, I hope that at this time next year I am a man reborn. I hope that my story has a new chapter.

Silent Rain said 5 years, 9 months ago:

It takes a lot of strength to still get up time after time, after you went through all of this. You don’t deserve to go through so much pain and all those things. It’s a shame that so many people treated you so wrong. I hope 2015 will bring much better things to you. Hopefully your new chapter will be much brighter. When you believe in yourself, you can do anything. Even after many days of rain, there’s always some sun. Someday you’ll find it. It must have been difficult for you to write all of this down. You don’t have to carry this burden on your own. You’ll never be alone. My inbox is always open, if you’d like to talk.

Silent Radiance said 5 years, 8 months ago:

That’s quite the story. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through all of that, nobody should suffer that much in one lifetime. I still find it hard to believe that some people can be so cruel. I really hope everything works out for you, you deserve to be happy! I don’t know why everyone can’t be more accepting of others and why people have to be so cold. Everything would work out so nicely if people had more empathy. Thank you for sharing your story, any time you’re having troubles feel free to message. I’m always here to listen.

KohmSdaiKroy said 5 years, 8 months ago:

I hope that 2015 brings you some great news. I know my life was messed up but I also know that there’s def ppl out there who have experienced worse. No one should ever go through so much misery like you but I hope that 2015 will be a different story

Gleb said 5 years, 8 months ago:

I’m sorry you had to pass through all this. It takes a lot of strength to pass this. If you want to talk to someone, I am here. Feel free to PM me, I won’t ever ignore you.
You shouldn’t go through all this pain, you deserve much better than this. You were just unlucky to meet all those bastards that hurt you.

chloe said 5 years, 7 months ago:

i have been through the same thing as well as most of u people i was sexually abuse from my step-dad and i tryed to tell my mum and she didn’t believe me at all

Hopefullylesspretentious said 5 years, 7 months ago:

It is incredibly upsetting when your parents refuse to believe you about something that’s happening. Even worse is their reaction of anger to you you trying to be open with them. I don’t even know how to react to that. I do know what it’s like to be depressed, I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago. It’s a shitty thing, and the worst is the sense of “why the hell does all this matter anyways?”. I’ve got my own overcomplicated way of dealing with it, but I’m glad you seem to be working things out for yourself. I do feel bad that you’ve continually run into such shitty people. By the way, you might be able to sue the girl who claimed you stalked her for libel, and clear your name. Nothing does that like a libel lawsuit. Get a few thousand in emotional damages, if you can find hard evidence of this happening. Anything written, for example. You learn how to figure out which people to avoid though. Things should get easier as time goes on, especially once you get away from your parents house for good. A lot of what helped me get my life on track was going overseas for a few years and going on adventures. Regardless, it’s good that you’re making new friends and are starting to work things out at community college. You’re on the right track for growth. If you want to talk about coping methods for feeling directionless, feel free to message me. Good luck.