sarah said 5 years, 5 months ago:

hello, I know I joined this group I little bit late since it hasn’t been active for eight months but I just feel like telling someone, anyone, who I really am. well my name is Sarah and I HATE people spelling my name without the H. I am 22 years old and my birthday is in May. I can actually say that I am a strong person because of my past. when I was 6 months old, my mom said that I suddenly started to not sleep at night. that I would only sleep two to three hours and she thought it was a phase but unfortunately it wasn’t. the earliest years of my life I can remember was when I was about five years old, and I still remember those sleepless nights. I still remember the feelings I had every night. mom would send me off to sleep about eight o’clock and I would go to sleep right away, but as soon as they turn off all the lights in the house and close their bedroom door, my eyes would be wide open. at the beginning I would try to force myself back to sleep, but that never worked. I would walk around the whole house wishing someone was awake or at least wakeup for me. by two a.m. I would already be in tears laying in my bed. I was afraid, but it wasn’t the darkness or a boogie man it was just fear. till this day I don’t know what I was afraid of. this lasted for eight years I was thirteen when I was sleeping more than five hours. from the time I entered elementary I was being bullied, which is weird since kids are innocent at that age. but it started out as lunch areas. I wasn’t allowed to sit in certain areas but the rest were allowed. then it got to the point where I was doing solo art projects when I was suppose to be a group project. people made fun of the way I used to talk because I was born and raised in a bilingual house so naturally there were things I knew the word in this language but forgot it in the other language. by fifth grade, they picked up their game when they started calling me a thief. nobody would sit with me. you would think that I was a loner and a shy and sad kid. I wasn’t, even with everything happening (not sleeping and the bullying) I was this ray of sunshine always forgiving and laughing. by sixth grade, I started to change. they finally affected me. I would go home and tell my mom and dad about my troubles and they would say they are just jealous and to just ignore them and my older sister would tell my parents that she would watch over me and have me with her group. but the next day I would still be sitting alone. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t talk to anyone so I turned to food. I had this game I played with myself which was whenever someone makes fun of me or I remember a comment they made of me, I would eat something to forget about it. that was a bad idea! in a month I gained more than 20 pounds and still didn’t help the situation. in eighth grade my dad got a promotion and we moved from that city. I loved the schools there, but I was social awkward. I became shy, self conscious, and afraid. when we moved most of the school troubles stopped, although there was some bullying here and there but I was able to handle it. my family life on the other hand wasn’t so great. I stopped talking to my sister since she was in high school and had her own room every time I went in there to talk to her about something, I was kicked out. my dad started comparing me to my older sister, why don’t I get better grades like hers, why don’t I lose weight and be skinny like her, why cant I act like her. I started becoming sarcastic and just being a rebel which he hated. everything cooled down in high school. but the summer after graduation, everything went down hill. it was the summer vacation till this day. my older sister got sick and was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis which is a disease that affects the brain. she is ok but she will have to take injections every week for the rest of her life. that summer my dad started favoring my older sister since she was the sick one is he puts it. I didn’t affect me since I am the middle one, but it did affect my younger sister. what affected me was my dads rules, he had me in charge of the whole house from cooking to cleaning to washing. on top of that, anything my older sister wanted must get it and man did she use that rule. by the end of the summer, I lost ten pounds and developed depression. I didn’t know I had depression and nobody knew it either. I was depressed for three years in college. this is so hard for me to write. I mean I never thought about killing mself or anything like that, but I would lay the floor in my room and just look up to the ceiling for hours not thinking about anything. I was getting honors but if my older sister didn’t get good grades then my dad would flip on me. one day, a year and a half ago, I had to write this essay and do this project about depression. I was going to the health instructor on a weekly basis asking her about the mental effects of depression. at the end of my project she asked me how long have I been dealing with depression. I told her that I wasn’t because I truly believed it was just a phase, but all the signs of depression was pointing at me. I stared crying when I realized not that I had depression, not that I didn’t notice it, I was crying that she noticed it while my family that I spend half of each day with didn’t notice. I still kept it a secret from my family. they wouldn’t believe me if I told them, they would have to figure it out on their own. I started writing. writing novels, poems, and short stories but never a diary. little by little I was feeling better. then January 31st 2015 I lost a dear friend, he was my twin. we would share the same bed whenever I had those sleepless nights he was me… I remember when my mom told me. I bent over, tears falling down, mouth opened ready to release the screams and cries but nothing came out, I was chocking. for ten minutes I couldn’t breathe but afterwards endless cries. I was dying literally felt like I was having a heartattack. my sleepless nights came back, everytime I closed my eyes I saw him. for two months I couldn’t sleep. I was doing bad in my courses because of being sleep deprived, people told me to take sleeping pills but I knew I would get addicted to it so I didn’t. after three months I got better but I started having panic and anxiety attacks thinking about how I will never speak to him again. the panic attacks went away eventually, but the anxiety is a big part of my life till this day. six months ago my mom and brother called me to the living room and asked me a question that I was asked before and replied the same way (with tears). my moms actual words were: Sarah, your brother asked me something which makes me realize something about you.
me: well what is it?
mom: how long have you been depressed?
so I told them how long and how I was dealing with it. its been eight months since that January and I feel better now, I really do. although I have half a heart and still suffering from anxiety and on the edge of depression, I have to say at least I am on the outside of depression. a place I haven’t seen in a long time. I am hoping more bright days are to come.

yours truly,
Sarah