*This will probably end up being quite a long post. I’m going to break it up into various sections. That way, if you feel you especially have expertise in a particular subject, you can skip the rest and just read that. I’ll also include a table of contents so you know where to look. That being said, if you can read the whole thing (especially the first part), I’d appreciate that. There won’t be a TL;DR*
Hello, everyone. Welcome to this post. Within it, I’m going to try to chronicle my life up until this point and to outline the state of my life right now and what (I think) I ultimately want.
**TABLE OF CONTENTS:**
-Who I once was and what I’ve become
-A little about me
-What (I think) I ultimately want
-Moving somewhere else
**Who I once was and what I’ve become:**
Growing up until around 14, I had a normal childhood. I had friends, had an active life, and felt a desire to get up in the morning. I had some ups and downs, but I was an outgoing child that loved games and getting into a little trouble every now and then.
However, once I got to high school, things began to change. The environment was intimidating and nothing I’d experienced before. My response was to shut down. It didn’t help that I was a small kid. I was bullied relentlessly. I was shoved, had people fart in my face, taunted, made fun of for my height/size, and generally treated like I was barely a human being. Due to this reputation that ended up being built for me, I was embarrassed to even pursue any relationship in my school for most of my time there.
I was able to make some friends, but they also were outcasts. Some of them, I barely felt like I had anything in common with beyond that they were treated like shit, too. The others, ended up being my best friends while attending that hell.
Still, I tried to make the best of things. I would sometimes attend the dances, I was friendly with people that were friendly with me, and (while I didn’t lift weights) I began to jog and do push-ups and sit-ups (even though it didn’t make me bigger, it gave me a lot more confidence). My sophomore year ended up being a little better than my freshman year.
I had some girls express some interest in me, even though I never pursued anything with them. I began to feel more comfortable flirting with girls. One girl asked me out to a dance, but I turned her down because I wasn’t attracted to her (that wasn’t the reason I gave her, though). I still wonder if that was a good decision.
Up until junior year, I felt like my life was going in a good direction. I was starting to do much better in school, I was exercising everyday, and I was even planning on getting my driver’s license.
Here is my downfall:
My first mistake was confessing to a girl I had a crush on **on the wall of her Myspace** that I loved her. She was a girl I knew from middle school who I was on friendly terms with. The next day, she deleted the message. We had been chatting on AIM for a while up until then, but after that, we didn’t speak with each other.
I was crushed, and this was the start of my depression. I got into therapy shortly after. I believe if I had just let it go and let the depression take its course, I could have taken that as a lesson, moved on, and been a normal person, but then I made the biggest mistake of my life.
There was a part of me that, deep down, believed I could still win her over. I also believed that I could be a great lady’s man considering how I was treated by girls. I ended up reading up on PUA literature (disgracefully) and I stopped seeing my therapist a little while afterwards. To be honest, I was too afraid to use what I learned on her, but I began to try it out on girls in my class. Needless to say, they didn’t like it and made it well known that they didn’t. People started making fun of me even more and I sunk even deeper into depression. I felt like I was a loser destined to be alone. I stopped exercising and ever since then, any attempt to begin again didn’t last long.
For the first time ever, I was depressed during the summer. I never felt more isolated from my family or friends. It felt like my younger brother (who entered high school the previous year) was surpassing me in every way; he was growing taller than me, had cool friends, and was generally much happier than me. No one wanted to deal with me because I just had a hard time even being happy. For a long time, I refused medication or therapy because I didn’t want to feel stigmatized.
Senior year was the worst. Out of all the years before it, I did the absolute least. And like my junior year, I didn’t go to my prom. Everyday, I’d get out early because I didn’t want to deal with the other students. And so, I ended my time in high school with never having a relationship or sex, having messed up grades, no driver’s license (which I didn’t get until 19), and no real prospects.
I ended up going to the local community college for my first 3 years. I tried to be more social, but a lot of times, I felt memories of high school flashing back and I wouldn’t pursue much beyond that. I also lived at home during this time.
At one point, I decided that I would learn Japanese and move to Japan once I got my Bachelor’s degree. I was convinced that my life would be better off there considering how my life wasn’t going anywhere in the U.S.
I eventually transferred to a university in the nearby city, spending yet another 3 years there. It was here where I felt my life started to turn around. I began to make friends again and the scars from high school felt less like they mattered anymore. I started lifting weights. I made out with 3 girls (albeit, we were drunk). I even got to study abroad in Japan and live on my own for the first time. Things were beginning to go great for me.
Then, last year, I graduated.
Around that time, I was working at Walmart. When I was going to school, it wasn’t too bad, but once it was over, I was miserable and hadn’t felt that alone in a long time. It was stupid of me to not apply to any jobs before I graduated, but it was something that had never occurred to me.
I began to apply for English teaching jobs in Japan. It was a difficult road filled with rejection, but eventually, a company offered me a job in a small city. At first, I was excited and thought I wanted nothing more but to move over there. However, doubt started to kick in. My Japanese wasn’t good enough, there were hardly any bars/clubs in the town, I would be lonely. When the time to leave came around, I turned down the offer. My employer offered me to come at a later date. Considering I felt regretful for not going, I accepted again. I even ended up quitting my job at Walmart this time around. However, a couple weeks ago, once again, I turned down the offer the night before my flight. Ever since, I’ve been incredibly regretful, falling deeper into depression and having more suicidal thoughts.
I’ve been taking St. John’s Wort and it has helped to remove some of the emotional pain, but it’s clear that I need to get some help. I’m completely lost and feel like my life hasn’t even begun yet.
**A little about me:**
* 26 years old
* 5’5″, 130 lbs
* BA in Asian Studies
* Still a virgin and never had a girlfriend
* Unemployed, and have no idea what I can even do for a job that isn’t either minimum wage or a job teaching English in a foreign country
* No car
* No health insurance
* Around $30,000 in student loans
* Living at home
* Enjoy video games, anime, reading, cooking, going to bars/clubs/parties (with friends)
* No social life
* No access to a gym
**What (I think) I ultimately want:**
* To have a job (or some form of occupation) that may not pay the most, but affords me some sort of freedom and independence. I would have my own time to pursue my own interests.
* Some form of success in dating/sex, whether it be a girlfriend, some one-night stands, or at least consistently going on dates.
* A strong circle of friends that I can go out and do things with or stay home and play video games with.
* Access to a gym or fitness center with adequate equipment (squat rack, barbells, etc.) as well as an indoor pool where I can swim every now and then.
* To live in a warmer climate or maybe Japan again. Ultimately, to have my own place or to live with roommates.
* To get back into interests that I felt I abandoned throughout the years (writing, guitar, soccer, acting, etc.). Also, to get into interests that I never had the opportunity to pursue (martial arts, fencing, etc.).
* To get some form of therapy and get on some sort of antidepressant. Prozac worked for me before.
I realize that not all of this may be possible now, and maybe some of it may even be impossible. But if anyone thinks they can point me in the right direction, please do so. And also, read the next couple sections based on what you think you can help me with.
*The following sections are going to be broken down into various aspects of my life. This is so I can make it easier for people who feel they may be experts or competent in these areas to find them.*
I may eventually want to give the teaching English in Japan job a try again. Obviously, I won’t be able to get a job with the company that hired me since I completely screwed them over, but hopefully, immigration won’t prevent me from getting a visa again. In the meantime, I won’t be able to go since I’ll need money.
I’m just completely lost on what I can do, though. I feel like my only options are minimum wage jobs. The only kind of jobs my degree (Asian Studies) offer me will require my Japanese, but its not anywhere near the level where I can use it in a professional setting.
I know it sounds childish, but I would love to do something like the Game Grumps and play video games and make jokes with friends for a living. I realize it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but it looks like a fun occupation to have. That being said, it’s probably just a pipe dream and impossible considering there are so many Let’s Players nowadays.
I thought I would be interested in a programming type job, but the more I do it, the more I begin to wonder whether I really want to do it or not. It’s incredibly isolating and I wonder if I would rather do something involving my right brain rather than my left.
All and all, I’m completely lost here. I don’t know if a job that pays me decently ($30,000+ a year) would even be possible at this point. I’m just worried about only being able to find minimum wage work and having to keep living at home because I won’t be able to pay both living expenses (rent, utilities, food, etc.) and my student loans.
I really haven’t made much progress in this area of my life. I’ve made out with 3 girls while drunk before (even before that, I recall kissing girls when playing spin the bottle in middle school) and I went out on a date through OkCupid 2 years ago (though I wasn’t really attracted to her). Beyond that, I haven’t really made anything happen.
I’ll be the first to admit this; I’ve always been shy when it came to pursuing girls I was interested in. In middle school, I could at least talk to them like a normal person, but it was hard for me to pull the trigger. In high school, before junior year, I could flirt with a girl if I didn’t really have an emotional attachment to her. However, ever since, I have a hard time flirting with any woman of any kind.
I got into the PUA material, and I feel like a lot of it really fucked me up, particularly in my junior year when I started using it. I rarely ever used any of it again, but I still read up on it even up until a few years ago because I have no idea what else I can even begin to do. I find a lot of it to be misogynistic and that it pushes me further from who I really want to be.
Two years ago, I started approaching women in the street and I would just do something simple like ask for the time. I felt like I was making some progress, but I eventually had to move home to the suburbs where there aren’t many women out in the streets like that. Also, I’ve been reading up on things like street harassment and now, I worry that even if I got back into doing that, that I would be harassing women (I want to flirt and have fun, but I want to do it in a way that’s respectful and doesn’t make women uncomfortable).
Another thing is that, I find I end up making a lot of excuses as to why I’m not ready to date or have sex:
* **High school:** I’m not interested in any of the girls here since the people in this school are so mean to me.
* **Part of college:** I’m afraid of encountering girls that were like the ones in high school
* **Japan:** I can barely speak the language, so what’s the point. Besides, I’ll just make all the Japanese people around me uncomfortable
* **Last half of college:** There aren’t any cool bars where girls I like hang out
* **Working at Walmart:** I should wait until I find a better paying job
* **After being offered the English teaching job in Japan:** Well, since I’ll be leaving soon, I might as well not pursue anything
* **Now:** I don’t even have a job anymore, so why should I even bother
Now, I realize that a lot of those excuses may be valid reasons, but I’ll admit that a lot of them have held me back from making any real progress. I feel that I’ve let a lot of great opportunities slip through my fingers; not just a random girl in the street, but also girls in my classes who might have been interested in me, but now, I’ll never know since I ended up doing nothing.
I feel like a lot of my bad experiences from high school are still haunting me to this day and preventing me from making any real progress in this area of my life.
This is one of those ones I’m afraid of not being able to happen considering I’m out of college now. I regret not pursuing this as strongly. I did in the last part of college, but now that I’m out, I’m afraid I’ll never be able to find a strong circle of friends. I’m afraid either people will get married/have kids (something I don’t plan on doing in a long time, if ever) and won’t want to hang out or the people that aren’t interested in that will be too young and not want to hang out with someone as old as me (I’ll admit that I look pretty young for my age, and that I don’t feel like I am my age).
I also feel like I’m still pretty socially awkward. I chalk this up to as to why I had such a hard time finding an English teaching job in Japan. I almost feel like I’ll be stuck like this and that it will end up affecting my job search and my dating.
Not to mention, since I don’t have a job, I’ve been staying home to save money. I can get really isolated since I’m not going to cafes and bars like I used to. Even if I go to one and don’t talk to people, I at least feel less alone than if I just stay home.
I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve read so much online that has made me believe that what I used to do (jogging and bodyweight exercises) won’t be effective. Hell, I felt like when I was weightlifting, that it was far more effective. However, I can’t afford a gym right now. So, I don’t know what I can begin to do in regards to this.
Also, since I don’t have that much money, I can’t afford to be buying lots of food for bulking up.
**Moving somewhere else:**
I really don’t know how anyone else manages to do it without a job. I don’t understand how someone can move to another city or even to another country with only a couple thousand (or even a couple hundred) dollars and then start applying for jobs. I would love to leave where I am right now. I enjoy the spring and summer, but once winter comes around, I can’t take it. I can’t go outside and I find that I get much more depressed.
I would love to move somewhere like Florida or California where it’s hot (or at least warm) all year round and to be close to the beach. I really would like to learn how to surf, but living so far from the beach makes it difficult.
I would love to live in a city with a good public transit system. Living in the suburbs without a car is hell. The only way to get anywhere is with the buses and they only come every hour and since they’re limited in where they can take you, you’ll be finding yourself wasting a lot of time trying to get to where you need to go.
Like I said in the beginning, I’m really lost in my life right now. If anyone has any ideas, I’d appreciate hearing them. I understand that I might not get that many replies; maybe no one will reply to this. But if I can get any kind of help, I would be grateful. And if you need me to further clarify anything here, please let me know. I’m really desperate at this point and just want to get my life started, so I’ll do anything you tell me to.