Deleted User said 10 years, 9 months ago:

So, this is my story, I really hate putting this up, I feel like I’m bothering people with it. But I really need to tell it to someone else.
As in any long story, this one is about my relationship with a girl (For the purposes of this story, I’ll call her M, since she could be called Mary, or Ann, or any other name, and it wouldn’t change a thing.). And, in the same manner as others of this same kind of story, mine starts a while before I actually met her. Back when I was born, more precisely.
But we won’t go there. I’ll just resume it to the important points for you: I’m not that great a person, but I want to be. That’s about it.
I have flaws, as many as the next guy; I’m not good looking, probably not even average; not the smartest person ever, even, maybe above my friends somewhat, but no genius; I’ve dated people just so I wouldn’t be alone; I’ve lied, I lie a lot to tell you the truth (heheh), sometimes, I lie just because I can.
But I’ll try to right that, and I’ll try to keep only the truth here. I want you to see the real me, so you can judge the situation accordingly, fair? Not completely. But it’s as good as it gets.
So, how does it all start?
It goes like this: I’ve spent my whole life trying to be something great, something extraordinary. I have this feeling inside that I need to achieve something more, ever since I was little.
It probably comes from feeling like I needed to be better than everybody else. But it evolved. It evolved into the need to help other people, in part because you feel like a better person than everybody else when you can help the others. So, not that great an evolution, right?
But truly, that’s not the conscientious reason why I decided to be a doctor, that’s just the analysis of one of the reasons this job was so appealing.
And, like that, I went to med school.
Ok, I’ll stop it right there. Just hear me out, ok? I’m not a monster. I love helping people, I truly do. Nothing ever made me as happy as when my 3 year old patient with a tumor the size of an orange in her brain started crying and running around because she wanted to play some three hours after the surgery.
But, I can admit I understand there is another, darker side to us all, which has those less than noble reasons to function.
Anyways, back to med school.
I dated two girls in med school:
Li, a great girl, who really liked me, had many deep psychological traumas, a nervous breakdown and ran away from home; and I didn’t like her. I accepted being with her because I thought no one else would ever like me (and maybe they shouldn’t), and because she was so fragile when we met that I was afraid that rejecting her would be so much worse.
and M., this beautiful petit girl, with magnificent green eyes, who, just as I had started dating Li, came running out of a crowd of friends hugged me, said she had missed me, and made me wonder that maybe my first assumption to justify dating Li was actually wrong.
Now, you can probably guess what happened, right?
But you are wrong.
Quit being so judgmental of me, you barely know me! You read like 500 worlds about me and you think that!?
Unless, of course, you thought that Li ran away from home after her nervous breakdown, a couple of months later and didn’t give me any sign of life for more than six months making me wonder what had happened, than you would be right, and I’m really sorry I doubted you.
Now, I tried finding her for some time, not that long I have to admit. As I said, I really didn’t love her (ooh, this is important, write that down) or anything (yes, that will be on the test), so, once I made sure she wasn’t dead, I kinda gave up and started waiting for her to contact me again.
She wasn’t quick enough, though. As time went by, M and me grew closer and closer as something more than friends.
She had a boyfriend, and I was apparently friendzoned, but the line was too thin. And, one night about six months later, at her place, we kissed and did a lot of other things.
This led, not surprisingly, to her breaking up with her boyfriend and dating me.
Now, backing up a bit.
Remember I said I wanted to do something big? Ok, great. I still did, despite all this bad Mexican soap opera going on in my emotional life.
Not so long after I started med school I learned of Medicins sans Frontieres, the Doctors without Borders, and that started to sound really attractive.
You see I never was too attached to other people. I lost contact with my High School friends months after we graduated, and once, as I was leaving for a six month foreign exchange program, I just looked at my mother and sister waved them good bye as someone who is going out to buy a loaf of bread and boarded the plane. (While you’re at it, write this down, too.)
With all that together, MsF seemed like the perfect gift from Heaven.
Except, unless your significant other is willing to travel around the world with you, you can’t really have a family if you want to go to MsF.
With all that in mind, do you remember Li had just had a nervous breakdown some eight months back? Neither did I. But she did.
She didn’t remember, though, that we had broken up some months after that, and I can quite understand why, since we never really did it.
Now, having your ex calling you in front of your new girlfriend is usually bad for a relationship. But that wasn’t my worst problem, by far. M’s ex was also trying to talk to her, and, to top it all, she was upset I wanted to go to MsF.
We spent another week together and decided each should go and solve their problem, we’d meet the next day, with everything solved.
I broke up with Li, and started thinking about settling down, having a family.
M broke up with me.
So, in a way, all the problems were solved.
She said she didn’t love me, she said she still had feeling for her ex. She wished so that she could love me, but she didn’t. She said all that in her house, sitting in her bed, crying in my arms. The only person around to comfort her was me.
Now, I had never had that kind of break up before, so I didn’t really know how to act. And since things looked weird already we kept on talking and having lunch together almost every day for a week or so.
Up until one day, she didn’t show in class, she texted me she wouldn’t go because she hadn’t been able to catch the last bus from home, so we’d talk later.
We met up for lunch, and her cousin showed up, too.
Ok, let’s stop here for a second. Alright, now, keeping up.
The lunch was going pretty awkward already, so, so they could make it worse, they started talking under their breath.
Alright, now, to make this simpler, she was going out with her ex, they had met the other day, that’s why she didn’t come to class. Now, I knew, we weren’t dating, but she lied to me, and tried to keep doing so, behind my back.
I was pissed, I got out without saying a word and we didn’t talk anymore that day; or that week; or the last three years. Not because of me, though, she stopped talking to me from then on.
So, that was over with.
And a lot of thing happened the last three years. Most are irrelevant to this narrative, and if you want to learn them some day I can write another 3 page essay about them. But some important things did happened.
Remember how I said we never talked? I was kind of lying, I know I said I wouldn’t lie, and I’m sorry. But I don’t consider them as much talking as just monologues. If I tried to talk, she would look the other way, shiver a bit as in holding herself, and avoid answering directly. I tried that 3 times, the last was last December, none were very productive.
So I decided I was not going to have any more relationships. So I could go on and do all the things I want.
Another important thing happened, I was forgetting to mention. I went to a shrink, as I became depressed after the breakup.
You see, me and M, we are very much alike, and we’re different from almost everyone I know. So we both felt quite comfortable around each other. When we broke up I was kind of lost, alone, and my school sent me to a shrink.
Now, the shrink didn’t help me at all.
I learned, though, the means to understand myself better after that, and I noticed (Remember what I told you to write down?) I don’t think I ever loved anyone ever. I don’t know what this feeling is. I felt some strong feelings, but never love.
And then, as I was coming to terms with it, I started internship, and my college changed our housing and made me and my friends from college live together. Since my friends’ girlfriends came too, and they are M’s friends also, me and M are now living in the same house again, after three years.
That was of course a great way to throw all my progress in the trash and bring it all back.
And this is my situation now:
I’m living in a house with my ex, who still doesn’t talk to me (she sometimes eats the food I cook, though, she’s a terrible cook.). I really want to go on and live my whole life helping people in real need, but I would love to have her by my side. But I can’t tell her that, because she won’t even look me in the eyes anymore, she just lowers her eyes and walks out of the room when we happen to be the only ones there. And although I never really loved her (or anyone for that matter), she is the only person in the world I’d give up MsF for, the one person I’d give up anything for.
And that’s my story.
Thank you, if you managed to get this far, that’s amazing.
I’m sorry if I offended anybody, but if so, think that this is naught but a story. So, good night unto you all.

iflifewereeasywewouldntbealive said 10 years, 9 months ago:

Wow. Your life sucks.

Darien S said 10 years, 9 months ago:

Interesting story, and I read it all! It sucks you’re having to live with her after all this time. I don’t know if I could do it personally.

I hope everything works out though! Is her and her boyfriend still together?

Deleted User said 10 years, 9 months ago:

It’s great to see that even after what you’ve had to go through your sense of humour is still well and truly intact! That was a pleasure to read the way it was written, but far from it for the content. Thank you for sharing with us, I hope it helped you in some way to get it out. Didn’t offend me, don’t worry! It does suck that you have to live with her but please try to get the idea out of your head that you would love her by your side. You don’t have to settle for being treated like that, and you definitely shouldn’t settle for someone you don’t love. Be patient… A girl will come along and make you so glad it didn’t work out with her. Maybe not in the near future, but don’t settle for anything less than someone who will treat you well.

Deleted User said 10 years, 9 months ago:

Wow, thanks for the replies, wasn’t expecting any, haha.
iflifewereeasywewouldntbealive, hm… thanks for the feedback? I guess? We appreciate your opinion?
Don’t really know what you were looking for.
On to what matters…
Well, Darien S, I won’t say it’s easy, but I guess I’m coming around to it. I’ll do it.
She’s dating someone I guess, haven’t looked too much into it.
Mysterium! Thanks! That was exactly what I going for!
You know? The first couple of paragraphs after I started writing felt all crying-my-heart-outish, I read it, felt nauseous and scraped it.
That was not like me, some bad things have happened, but I’m still me. I wanted it to be fun to read, without losing it’s essence.
Thank you all for having read it.
Writing it really did help me to put it into perspective, again.
And thanks for the feedback,girls.

Darien S said 10 years, 9 months ago:

You’re welcome @John!

matthoughton said 10 years, 8 months ago:

Ouch. Sounds like she hasnt forgiven herself for hurting you.. do what you want to do man. Either ask to be civil with her or avoid her. Never refuse a job oppertunity over a girl. Do not let her ruin this for you.