All my life, I’ve been angry and codependent.
And what’s more, I came to the realization a few months ago that I chose friends, or they chose me, because they were like me. Nice. Agreeable. Pissed off at something and depressed. Hadn’t figured themselves out.
In October, I realized my problems were my fault entirely, and I had the power to turn it around. The problem is the feelings. I haven’t always been angry. But I have always been anxious and depressed. If I put this behind me and continue on, I will have zilch in common with my friends from home, who, as far as I can tell, either won’t ever completely fix their problems or will do it much later in life either because they have no willpower/commitment or because they think they don’t have any problems. At the same fucking time if I don’t have compassion for the person they really are inside I will feel like a giant bitch. And I fully realize anxiety and depression are common and controllable conditions, too. So in as validating as it is to say “fight the stigma,” that also gives me room to wallow in it forever and stay in my symptoms. I want people in my life that have completely overcome their problems and I am beginning to worry there is no such thing. I am told to assert myself but when I do people yell at me and scream “bitch/lifetime enemy.” Or they fucking deny it.
So clearly I either need to ignore them or just throw them all under the bus. But I can’t do either one and I’m stuck.