I’m sitting here at almost 3 in the morning, tired out of my mind…but find it hard to sleep. My mind is racing with so many thoughts that I can’t keep them straight. I have thoughts of love…thoughts of loneliness…thoughts of harm…thoughts of disgust….thoughts of…everything. They keep me up at night and I go to contact people, but let’s face it its almost 3 in the morning. No one is up and I know my problems are small so calling someone this late feels like a burden, even though I know they won’t mind. However, I feel like it will be made out to be a bigger deal than it is because I feel like if I try to voice any of these thoughts I’ll start crying.
I feel like a stranger in my own home, like I don’t have people that support me even though I know they do, but they also don’t understand what I’m going through. If I try for help…they tune me out or tell me I’m being moody. I get into arguments with my parents over stupid stuff and they blame me for being too emotional. Which they aren’t wrong…but it’s a cry for help, I know it…they just don’t. So be straight forward with them right? I’ve never been very good at that…plus, I don’t want them to worry.
So talk to a friend who’s miles and miles away, he’s busy and dealing with his own stuff, he doesn’t need my petty stuff. His stuff is way worse than mine. Plus, I don’t want him to worry more than he already does.
That’s really the issue, I don’t want anyone to worry about me. They have bigger problems. Mine are small. But the thing is, I’m starting to worry. The anxiety is getting worse…not enough that it really effects my daily life, but I can see it going that way, eventually. I know what I need to do, but it didn’t help much last time. I need someone to talk to…but I haven’t found that person. That person that is always there to talk to.
So right now it’s my wall. It’s this board…it’s whoever will listen. Which is so few and far between. It’s slowly driving me nuts that I’m finding it easier to express these thoughts for total strangers to see, but can’t even voice it to my best friends. All because I don’t want them to worry. I don’t want strangers to worry either, but I suppose it’s easier since I can’t see their faces when online.
My problems are so small…but I keep them bottled up inside, that’s why. I hide them, because I’m not allowed to be angry, or sad, or scared, or filled with anxiety. It’s because I talk too much…I talk to make it all go away, so when I start to talk about it, people are tired of my talking and just tune it out or tell me I’m being too emotional. I burst open…so I know the emotions come out strong, they seem like they are coming out of no where because I keep it all inside, because I don’t want to talk too much. I want people to listen. I’m sick of being ignored!
I know I talk nonsense, I know I talk too much…but that doesn’t mean I should be ignored. That doesn’t mean I should be tuned out because most of what I’m saying isn’t actually relevant…or has been heard before. It hurts. It hurts to be ignored. Friends, family…they all do it because I talk too much. So I shut up. And I keep it all bottled up inside. No need for anyone to hear me. I’m just annoying.
So here it is for all the strangers to see…the things that keep me up late at night. My tiny problems that don’t matter, that I make into bigger problems than they should be. But if I don’t air them out somewhere, I’m afraid I’m going to explode. So this my vent. Thanks to anyone who listened.