Fallen Angel said 9 years, 6 months ago:

There is something I need to say, and it’s not an easy thing because a lot of the time I won’t share any of my pain. I used to, but it seemed that every time I did someone I loved would leave me so I stopped. It’s a hard thing to do, keeping everything bottled up inside, always pretending that you are okay. Some days, like today, I explode – into tears, panic attacks and bursts of anger. It’s not the fault of the people around me but they pay the price. It’s unfair and I’m sorry for that.
A lot of my anger and sadness started a long time ago, I’ve had a tough life, even that isn’t easy to say without feeling like I’m begging for attention. I was a child, and I was innocent. I couldn’t help anything that happened to the people I loved or to myself, I do know that now but for years I blamed myself for many things. I fell into a pit, of darkness and isolation, something you would call depression. I stayed like that for many years, I started to self-harm, took drugs and turned into a person that I never thought I’d be, and the thing is in many ways I still am that person. I’m not a bad person, nor am I the monster I once thought I was. Sometimes I felt so badly about myself, believing myself to be a nuisance, a blemish on society. Something I’ve learned since then is that I am not a blemish, society isn’t always right, and sometimes it’s better to go against the grain, to forge a different path in this life.
I was pulled out of my depression by two different boys, both special in their own ways, and both grew into very different men. It’s something I will always be grateful for even though I felt the pain when they left. I needed them, to help me stand tall again, to feel loved and secure in my life, I can not tell you how many times they have talked me down from the edge, sometimes without them even knowing. My closest friend has seen me though many tough times, and has opened her heart but I turn away, it’s truly a vicious cycle, one that I mean to break.
There is something special about when you allow someone into your life and bare your soul to them, I don’t regret ever doing it but I also don’t know if I ever will again. Sometimes I revel in being alone as I am, but other times it comes with a great weight that seems too much to carry. I want to feel as if I am a part of something, anything really but I’m still not sure where I fit into the world or where I belong. I know what I want to do, and I am trying to achieve it, but I’m struggling.
That’s what this is about, the ghosts of the past are holding me back, and I can’t seem to shake them. There is a boy, who is in pain and struggling. To cope he is lashing out at me, and I can’t blame him since I’ve done the same many times. Day after day I receive another glimpse of a past I’d rather forget and it’s difficult. I have watched people I once loved and who once loved me turn away, guilt starts to build up when I realize it is my own fault. I try my best to not dwell in the past, today though is not a day I can fight it. I’m beginning to see the faint symptoms I once thought past, that show I’m losing my grip on reality, that I’m fading into the black again.
I am not begging for sympathy and I am not asking for praise, I only wanted to share my thoughts from today while I can still feel the pain. I want a piece of who I am now to be saved. The one thing I can truly count on is myself and the struggle that is my life, and when I get past this I need to see where I was at to know what I have accomplished, on my own. Today is a low point but tomorrow could be better.