I’m gonna warn you now, this is about to be a lengthy post. Might as well be a novel. If you make it through, you’re amazing. If not, I put the simplified, albeit confusing version at the bottom.
Basically, all my worries are connected. If you’re a visual person like me, it’s like I’m just trying to get out a pair of headphones, but they keep getting caught on charge cords and that one usb thing that idk what it’s even for and now I can’t focus on anything. And for a minute, after a chat on here or just after a good song, I’ll think I can handle it. Then a little later, no. No I cannot.
The majority of my stress started around October, when I got in to a pretty big fight over an incredibly stupid issue with my best friends. We’re still friends, but it doesn’t feel the same. They said they felt like I was constantly judging them, I thought they were deliberately avoiding me and leaving me out of the loop on everything. At the worst part of it, I stood there and got yelled at for being the one of us with a decent family, for being the pretty one, for having things in my life to look forward to, for having guys interested in me (though at this point in the story, I didn’t know of any. Apparently their friends & random guys would ask them about me) Essentially, that night I found out that they basically resented me for things that were out of my control, and since then it’s like we’ve been avoiding each other & not able to find anything to talk about, or getting irritated at each other for stupid things. And I know that both of them have issues with each other, cause they’ll complain to me separately about it, but if an argument starts between all of us, they’ll take each other’s side and I’ll be left looking like I’m the one causing all the problems. I’ve since found out as well that they’ll be moving soon, which I feel almost relieved about, and that makes me feel like a terrible friend.
Fast forward to December, when I met this guy. From the first minute, I got that stereotypical “butterflies in my stomach” feeling, which I’ve never felt for a person before, only for events like travel or concerts. We went out a couple weeks later as friends, and I ended up sleeping at his place ’til 6am, when I finally went home so my roommates wouldn’t know how late I was gone. We didn’t get too serious, but we did make out, which is uncharacteristic for me since I’ve pretty much never dated anyone, much less kissed anyone, and I was so nervous that entire date, good or bad nerves I don’t know, but I was shaking from more than just the cold weather for sure. After that, I got really nervous, since I didn’t expect to give a crap about dating, much less get this close to someone after knowing them for a couple weeks. (there were some other aspects, like our age gap, that freaked me out, but I’m not as concerned anymore) I wanted to talk to someone about it, so I got on here to talk over chat. I didn’t want to alarm my family, since I wasn’t even sure what exactly was going on anyway, and I couldn’t bring it up to my friends, for fear they’d go on another resentful “of course the pretty one has a boyfriend now, must be nice” type rants. But at the same time, knowing they’ll be leaving soon, I’d feel safer getting in to this relationship with them here, you know? I mean, I’ve barely dated before, and I’ve never been as alone as I’ll be when they leave before. I’ll have nobody near me to turn to if this relationship gets bad. (my deepest fear has always been getting in to an abusive relationship & not realizing what I got myself in to until it’s too late) And now that I’ve calmed down and embraced the idea of actually continuing this relationship, or whatever it is that’s going on, I think my month of nerves and fear may have pushed him away. Maybe not permanently, at least I’m hoping. But at least a little. I plan on talking to him tomorrow, and I’m both dreading & looking forward to it.
I just wish that I could talk to my friends about it though. Especially if tomorrow goes well. As far as they know, he’s a friend that was vaguely interested in me, and I went out and watched a movie with him once 2 months ago and see him in school occasionally. They’ve suggested I invite him over during the one and only conversation that we’ve had that even referenced him since before the date, but I just hate the idea of bringing him over, whether we’re dating or not, for them to complain about me getting all the attention again. There’s people at my job, even that know more than they do. And even they know more than my parents do right now. And the random people I’ve chatted on here with know plenty, though it’s hard to get out this much of a storyline in chat.
Friends mad I have decent life.
I’m mad they shut me out.
Oh look it’s a boy!
He likes me!
Wait, what do I do with that information???
Program “Trust Other Human” failed to load, loading default program “Panic.”
Don’t speak. Too much drama. Only talk to internet people.
Wait, I’m ok now! No more panic!
He likes me.. not? Maybe?
But I like the boy now. Do I tell the boy? No. No no no.
Let’s panic about losing the boy!
Ok, fine. Tell the boy. If you can work up the nerve.
Nobody to talk to, talk to internet people instead.
Aaand we’re back.
Again, if you made it through this solid block of nonsense, you are a wonderful human, and thank you. May you find a long lost $20 in your coat pocket.