Kearche said 8 years, 11 months ago:

This is pretty long, so prepare yourself I guess.
Lately, I’ve handled my depression and anxiety in a negative way. I’ve been struggling with both for about a year and a half and it’s spiraled down drastically within such a short period of time. I used to work hard in school and actually get up and do chores or even talk and hang out with my family and friends, but now I’m homeschooled (pretty much due to severe truancy issues) and I never want to interact with anybody.
I went to therapy for a few months and I hated it, then the doctor prescribed me with antidepressants and medication for anxiety which I also hated and stopped altogether- sooo, now I am here.
For awhile I’ve given up on trying to fix it and I’m not sure if it’s getting worse or I’m just tired of feeling this way, but recently I’ve been, well…doing things I shouldn’t be doing, which replaced my self harming method. Yeah, I know it all sounds really screwed up and I’m aware of my mistakes, but it’s like I don’t even care about myself anymore. I had suicidal thoughts in the past but now I know I have responsibilities to take care of; it’s more like me not wanting to live rather than wanting to die…if that makes sense.
I feel guilty that I’m depressed because I shouldn’t hate myself or my life. I don’t have the best family (some pretty bad problems here and there…) but I know they love me. I should be grateful for the things I have but I’m still so unhappy. I’ve lost all interest in stuff I used to love: writing, video games, etc. I used to be a Christian as well but I lost my faith a long time ago which impacted my life a lot at the time.
I’m scared for my future and what path I’ve chose to go down, and I’m only 15. I have so many things I want to accomplish but I simply don’t believe in myself. I think I’m not good, smart, or strong enough.
I just needed to let that out even though it was super long…there are still so many things that bother me but I’ll just leave it as that. Sorry if you had to endure all that reading.