Emily Strange said 10 years, 6 months ago:

Personal experiences that I think everyone can relate to.

I would like to know some of your thoughts on my thoughts. This is kind of seeking a 2nd opinion on myself. I hope someone would take the time to read and comment! Cheers!

This was made by practicing writing raw thoughts, what comes to mind and writing it down with little conscious awareness of strict structure.
This resulted to just the way the thoughts flowed.

There is something that is eating away at my heart; it is bruised by the circumstances dealt upon me.
I am the youngest of three siblings and all my life I have lived under massive shadows.

My brother is the second child, he is a brilliant man. Back when we were young I thought he could do anything with excellence. He was my role model, he was the one who I confided in and he was the one who gave me comfort during the stresses of childhood and teen years.

My brother is scared by the harshness of his own circumstances. I was told that he was the one who took the blunt of my father’s cruelty. My father is not noble nor is he a good man. I believe he lives his life in regret of his own decisions in life and has an insecurity that his pride won’t allow him to consciously accept for himself. As a result he lives to sneer at other people, looking for every possible wrong or lack they may have and magnifying it with the most cruel and harsh words. These words batter my brother and the rest of our family.

My brother took refuge in the comfort that my mother gives; she was his light, a comforter and encourager. And she too knows how cruel my father is, maybe she knows it better than any of us. My mother is a good woman. Despite being married and emotionally abused by her husband she tries to be good and she is. But she is only human.

My sister was a good child; she got good grades, received medals, praises and was the “angel” of the family. She is the gold standard. My brother was not far behind, as I said earlier, he was a brilliant man but the thorn of his life is that others don’t recognise him as such.

My sister was a good child; obedient, humble and wise but she too has made regrettable decisions that causes her heart to ache. She has a problem with love. Because of her seeming perfection she has had not but one relationships that resulted to broken hearts both of her and her suitors’. But luckily for her, sympathy is on her side, she is well comforted by her peers and the family, the sting of my father is not a threat to her, she is an angel afterall. The thing that ultimately hurts her is her own lack of integrity,
a value very scarce in our bloodline.

I am the youngest of the three. I believe it is the curse of the youngest ones to be subjected to judgement with the standards made by those that came before. Judgement seemingly comes from all sides, from father, mother, relatives, the friend’s of relatives etc and probably the most painful of all is of the individual’s own judgement.

It’s like a beautiful hill being compared to the awesome presence of a mountain, both beautiful but the mountain is always the mightier.

The problem is recognition, being recognised, being appreciated for who you are, regardless of whom others are, that is what we hope for and sometimes that is what we get. I found this in the comfort of my friends.

My friends are very dear to me, though I admit to not being able to disclose much of myself to them, they are my comrades, my source of the most honest encouragements and support.
I only have a few true friends, friends who know me enough to know how shallow or how deep I can get. Friends are very dear to me, the few that I allow to take root are precious so one would understand when the time that our relationship ends its like uprooting a tree that has tread its way into my heart.

I believe that this happens to all people, heartbreaks are a part of life; it is painful and it can suffocate but we must move on.

I believe that trust is closely related to the feeling of safety. I am afraid that I do not know the true meaning of this word. I have found that the people who you trust create the deepest wounds. To invest on trust (on or with, I’m not sure…) is a risky business.
I think we have all experienced investing too much only to end up hurting and not knowing what to do next. I am not sure how to deal with this seeing I myself have yet to find a way to sober up from the disorienting feeling of betrayal.

What would you do if even your family and the ones closest to you betrayed you?

There are numerous more little things that stab at one’s heart; the daily feeling of laziness, rejection, gloom etc are too many to count so I just look at the most prominent attacks, the atomic bombs, the biological poisons that inflict the most damage and looking at these things that bother me, I feel a sense of peace as well as sadness because I know that these things are inevitable; insecurity,
cruelty, disappointment and heartache is felt by all and I think that it’s part of being human to endure these things, these are the cards that we are dealt with and I am not sure what the aim of playing them right is. To endure this things is for what? Happiness? Love? I have yet to find out.