A. said 9 years, 11 months ago:

So this just happened.

http://gyazo.com/fc04341a328357a7ac7fd4fb6ec4809f

He was so unbelievable xenophobic, to the point he wouldn’t get any reason or argument. He insulted me several times while I was trying to make him understand it’s not about where are you born in.

He kept called me “fucking angel” and other things,for being politically correct and “too caring”.

Then he started talking about taking shrooms and keep saying things in a violent way. Kind of scared me.

How am I suposed to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped and keeps blaming me?

I know you meet different kind of people here, but I don’t know… is it bad to leave when you are stuck in that situation? I just couldn’t help more, really, but still feeling bad.

Humanist Hope said 9 years, 11 months ago:

I think you could benefit from this.

Listener’s Manual
by Adviser (Heart-Compass)

I know many people intend to help the venters, do hear and give advices. But just as if you don’t go to med school and try to “help” someone during a surgery, even with the best intentions you will only aggravate the situation.

After being a listener since before the site changed (It was named Heart Compass, a couple years ago), and currently going more as a Venter due new tough times, I found out we have some RIDICULOUSLY AWFUL LISTENERS. Ignorance is not a bless, and if you say the wrong thing to the person that is in need, you can be the one pushing someone to suicide or worst.

Worrying about this, I decided to make this “manual”, as a bunch of “do and don’t do” tips, simple and easy to read. And that can make the difference of how you approach someone, make someone open, and don’t screw with people that are already desperate. The surgery metaphor is valid: people here open their minds and hearts, like they would open their bodies in a doctors table. Don’t take this lightly, being a listener is beautiful, but it’s not a joke. To the reading then:

Listener’s Manual 1.0

Format: tip (comment/explanation)

Starting

1. Don’t use abbreviations or slang language too much. (We have people from all over the world here, I’m from brazil myself! Make it easier to others to understand, not only English speakers need help)

2.Show genuine interest in your venter. (if the person has a big or a small problem, you must respect and listen anyway. You choose to be a LISTENER, then listen!)

3. Do NOT imply the person needs help or has a problem. (Do NOT start with “so what’s wrong with you?” or “what’s your problem?” or even “how can I help you?” It’s almost offensive. Some people come here cause they’re bored, lonely, confused, or maybe they DO have a problem and can’t admit or don’t know what their problems are! Your task is to help them learn what they couldn’t by themselves).

4. The best way to start the conversation is with a quick “How are you?” or “How have you been?” (do not wait for them to start the conversation, many are shy or feeling awkward to speak about themselves or their lives. Be the one that give the first steps).

5. Strong stomach, stronger mind. (Some people have REALLY SERIOUS problems. There are people who have been raped, kidnaped, ARE BEING RAPED often, lost their children, lost their families, tried suicide and want to try again, etc. If you can’t handle this heavy subjects, it’s okay, tell them you don’t know how to handle it and ask them to find another listener that may help, but please, for GOD’S SAKE, do NOT judge them! If someone got pregnant or made a mistake, do NOT leash out on them! Apologize that they suffered, say you wish you could help, go back in past and help them, SHOW YOU’RE INTERESTED, SORRY AND THAT THE PERSON MATTERS. Forget your own opinions, it’s not the time for it).

Do’s and Don’t Do’s
1. Do not ask for personal info, but if asked, give yours. (Some girl may be afraid to be pregnant and want to talk to another girl instead. So if you she asks your gender you answer and you understand if they seek another listener. BUT YOU CAN’T DO IT. You do NOT press the Listener button thinking “today I want to talk to a girl” and turn off someone because they’re male. The venter has the right to choose the listener, but the listener DOES NOT CHOOSE THE VENTER).

2. Don’t ever take decisions for the venter. (I’m pregnant, should I abort? You may have your own opinions about all subjects, BUT YOU WILL NOT IMPOSE YOUR OPINIONS ON OTHERS! ESPECIALLY THE VENTERS! If they ask “your opinion”, then you say it, but you DO NOT TAKE DECISIONS FOR THEM! Ask them to find their own answer. There is no “wrong” answer or decision. Remind them that no one else must take these decisions, but them).

3. Remember the difference between opinion and duty. (If someone is pregnant, wanting to keep it or abort, is an opinion. It’s a matter of choice. If someone was raped, you tell the police, it’s DUTY. If not for yourself, for others. The rapist may rape another person, and the previous victim is partially to blame if they didn’t go to the police to stop him sooner. THIS IS ON THE ONU WORLD LAW AND HUMAN RIGHTS BOOK! Ask the venter to do the right thing (tell the police, seek rehabilitation centers, etc) and the right thing is not a matter of opinion).

4.Do not judge the venter. (Maybe the venter has a history of drug abuse, got pregnant as a teen or worse. You may dislike it, but you WILL NOT SCOLD THE VENTER! YOU WILL NOT HURT THE VENTER! They come here seeking safe haven, not more people judging them).

For quick review (without explanation):

1. Don’t use abbreviations or slang language too much.
2. Show genuine interest in your venter.
3. Do NOT imply the person needs help or has a problem.
4. The best way to start the conversation is with a quick “How are you?” or “How have you been?”
5. Strong stomach, stronger mind.
6. Do not ask for personal info, but if asked, give yours.
7. Don’t ever take decisions for the venter.
8. Remember the difference between opinion and duty.
9.Do not judge the venter.

________________________________________

The Rules of being a Listener

I am not a perfect Listener. Such a person does not exist. We are all human, and we are prone to mistakes, and to repeating the dumbest of them. It is through my experiences, my mistakes, and the pleading of a fellow Listener looking to better himself that I was inspired to sit down and devise this set of rules.

It is our greatest aspiration as Listeners; to follow these rules, to help people and to help ourselves, but keep in mind that we are all human, and we will find ourselves in violation of these rules at some time or another. The goal is to minimize that as much as possible.

Listen, Learn, and Teach.

~Jonathan, @blackholehead

•The Prime Directive: It Is Not About You

Listening is a hard job to take on, and as Listeners, we voluntarily take it upon ourselves to, on top of our own lives and issues, take on the issues of the Venter and attempt to impart whatever unbiased wisdom we may possess concerning their problems.

This is the essence of peer counseling, and it is true that while helping others helps us help ourselves, in the end, it is not about just ourselves peer counseling is about helping each other.

•The Principle of Positive Regard

Three words define the great Listener: unconditional positive regard.

People come to BlahTherapy for help. Though it is true that sometimes people need “tough love” and I have been in the place of giving that tough love, all advice given should always be with unconditional positive regard for the Venter; they are a human being and they can improve themselves if they set themselves to the task, most of them are here because either they do not believe in themselves or because nobody has believed in them.

As Listeners, it is on us to believe in the ability of the Venter to make themselves better, to take them at their word, give them the benefit of the doubt, and to show them that it is entirely possible for someone to believe in them.

Negative regard achieves absolutely nothing. It is impossible to shame or degrade a person into improving. Negative regard does nothing more than communicate negativity, and the Venter likely already feels badly enough about themselves. Some Venters’ issue IS that they have no faith or positive regard for themselves!

Show the Venter unconditional positive regard, and you will not only make their life that much easier, you will become a better Listener.

•The Persistence Principle: One And Done Is Never Enough

As Listeners, we hear about every terrible act of which mankind is capable, and this can take its’ toll on us, but it is important to remember your Venters, to treat them as people, this means following up.
We must always give our Venters the space they need to open up willingly to us, but we must not become lax. Reach out to your Venters, ask them how they are doing, ask about their lives, their experiences. We are social creatures, so help your Venter socialize.

•The Principle of Validation

It is often said that the best advice-givers are women. Why is this?

Men, it is said, are too direct, too to-the-point, too logical, too harsh. Whereas women are gentle, understanding, and nurturing.
Certainly there is some truth in that, but there is an underlying core fact that is overlooked: women validate emotions more often than men.

As Listeners, it is imperative that we help our Venters get to the bottom of their issue, to understand clearly what is wrong so that they can resolve it, but it is that heedless pursuit of the ends that makes some of us overlook the means. The Venter has emotions, and those emotions are relevant. Treating a Venter in such a way that ignores their emotions conveys a message that how they feel is irrelevant, which makes the Venter feel irrelevant, because their emotions are a part of them.

Take time with each Venter to consider how they must be feeling, then openly acknowledge it to them, validate their feelings. Do this, and your Venter will feel better about themselves, less invisible or unnoticed. It is that unnoticed, alienated feeling that has given rise to an entire group on BlahTherapy!

Validate your Venter, and it will help them trust you.

•The Know-How To Network; You Are Part Of A Group

BlahTherapy has many Listeners from all walks of life, this is a good thing, but it can have some drawbacks. Listeners often forget to work together!

If you are feeling overwhelmed, out of your depth, or if you have been Listening too much and need to handle your own affairs, you are absolutely allowed to let the weight off your shoulders and relax. Any burden, no matter how small, becomes unbearable with enough time.

Stay in contact with others Listeners, and when necessary, refer your Venters to another Listener while you make sure that you (the Listener) are taken care of. Sometimes a Listener needs to vent!
When you are taken care of, you are better able to take care of others.

•The Informative Listener

The more informed a Listener is concerning an issue, the more potential they have to be helpful.

Knowledge is your friend, Listeners! Read, correspond, and debate your knowledge. Sharpen your mind and refine your wisdom. When you are commanding knowledgeable advice, you are being that much of a greater Listener.

Stockpile folders of information to pass on to Venters, provide the Venter with links to help inspire them to learn as well. Practice explaining things in lay terms to help the Venters understand.

It is recommended that every Listener have a readily-available list for reference should a situation be found to be beyond the scope of peer counseling.

The Informative Listener is a trusted Listener.

•The Penultimate Point: We Are Peers, Not Professionals. Know When To Back Off.

There comes a time for every Listener when we run across a problem that cannot be solved by peer counseling. We are not doctors, know when to back off. A peer counselor cannot help an unmediated schizophrenic.

In cases where an issue exceeds the bounds of peer counseling, we redirect the Venter to professional services in the form of suicide hotlines, shelters, or even emergency numbers.

As under The Informed Listener, It is recommended that every Listener have a readily-available list for reference should a situation be found to be beyond the scope of peer counseling.

•And Finally: Know When To Let Go

There is nothing stopping Listeners from becoming friends with their Venters, if that happens, then enjoy it! New friends are one if the spices of life.

That being said; every Listener loses touch with Venters. People move on, people change or change their minds. Though we become emotionally invested with some Venters, we cannot let their loss stop us from helping others!

No matter what happens, Venters and Listeners, never let anyone or anything stifle your will to live happily. You deserve the same chance at pursuing your happiness as anyone else. Most importantly, never forget that you matter, and you are not alone.

rinseandrep said 9 years, 11 months ago:

What did he want help with?

By the way thanks for promoting Gyazo, every now and then I ask an opinion on something and people go “What site is that, I don’t trust it”, the conversation is effectively killed.

A. said 9 years, 11 months ago:

thanks for that text, it was quite interesting to read and to take into acount for future conversations.

I’m afraid somehow I couldn’t help him just because he didn’t really want to get helped. I think he might have been high or something at that time… or maybe a mixture between boredom and a violent need to rant about something.

Of course I did not answer it not properly, I kept myself colled down despite of insults and such, trying to ignore them and trying to get to the problem. But as I was trying to get him to understand fro mthe basics, he just acted uncontrolably. I had to leave because he didn’t let me help him, it was just that simply :/

@rinseandrep He started telling that he may be kind of racist. But he changed gradually just to insult inmigrants and foreigners, then he even told that he wanted to become a foreigner and travel to another country, but his argument was valid because he “would contribute by working” so basically he just thought that the inmigrants who are not able to take a job and be forced to commit robbery or such to live should just die. Then he told they should go to jail. I thought this was ok because they are being criminals if the commit something, but he didn’t see the point in “it’s not about where they’re from, it’s what they do, then”

After some time I realised despite of being same age as me he was being so childish, and told by him “I’m afraid that if i ever get problems I won’t be able to take it because I’m not used to” so I assumed he was a boy who never had huge problems and was raised with some ideas that now he can’t get out of his mind.

It turns out it was right, because nobody couldn’t discuss with him, even if I wanted to get to that other problem about he not being able to take problems. He kept talking like a kid and saying childish things.

I’m sorry for him, but I couldn’t do more. And I tried.