He dumped me last Wednesday out of the blue because he said that in the time that he spent hanging and studying with his friends and away from me, he realized that he doesn’t like coming home to “commitments,” one of those commitments being talking to me, and that he doesn’t want to manage a long-distance relationship. Just two days ago, he told me he loved me and everything seemed normal. Plus, this is the first time he ever really made an issue out of either of those, and it was just the week prior that he told me liked my clinginess. At this point, I can’t decide whether I should be angry or sad. I know that the real answer is that I should be happy, but he was my best friend, and during the whole course of everything, he was the only one who could really make me happy. Two days ago though, I felt like I needed to ask him questions to get my closure, because I felt like there were discussions that we could have had to prevent the whole thing. I told him that eventually, if he made me decide between staying home and moving to where he lives, I would pick him, which is one thing I thought he really needed to hear. And we also talked about what kind of arrangements could be made in between then to make this relationship work.
Obviously, I got carried away and started to try to change his mind, and so he snapped. Told me he was sticking to his grounds, and we got into a fight and he said some nasty things. I told him that love is a choice. Yes, for a while, I have been boring, but that was because I thought we were both at that point where just being together could make each other content. But I told him if that bothered him, he should have just told me. I got a little bit frustrated and said that I would try to love him even when he wasn’t easy to love, because I wanted to make this relationship work, and because I wanted to make him happy… And he asked me, “Or was it because you were afraid of being alone?” The fact that he translated all of my efforts to mere neediness just speared me.
I broke my life-long oaths to myself for him because I trusted him. I gave myself and my self-respect up to him, even though I told him time and time again that I only wanted to give myself up to the guy that I’d be with for the rest of my life. But I’d rather not go into details about that. And his question, “Do you think I can’t find someone as special as you? Someone who can make as happy as you?” When someone spends a continuous day and morning drawing a portrait of you, wakes up in the middle of the night to compensate for your schedules and to just spend some time with you, apologizes even when she knows you’re wrong, bites her tongue through all of your male PMS bullshit, is willing to get a job for you to pay for the visits, and is willing to move overseas for you, even though she’d much rather stay where she is, and knowing that you wouldn’t do the same for her but still be okay with that, YES, frankly, I have my doubts.
I feel like he left me for his friends, which I find a little bit funny, because when I tried to get his friends to help him out when I couldn’t, they ignored me entirely and went on about their business, but I never told him this. They wouldn’t even notice him when he returned to a room, so how can he think that they care about him even half as much as I do?
I actually tried venting from his perspective, and I think it made me understand why he’s so stubborn about this. Seems like listeners will always support the venter. One even went as far as to say I probably didn’t really love him because I refused to stay friends with him post breakup. Sorry I’m not ready to have a friend who looks exactly like the person who broke my heart. I don’t know if venting from his perspective made me feel better, but I know that for sure, it did make me hate his friends more, who are probably saying the exact same thing. He was never so cold to me before he started hanging out with his friends that week…
There is some part of me that can forgive him for being so optimistic because I was his first love, so it’s not surprising that he has no idea whether the grass is greener on the other side. But for someone who once told me that when he first met me, that he already knew that I was exceptional, he didn’t really seem to think that I was all too exceptional. And his total ingratitude and his cowardice, saying that he felt emotionless at times during the relationship, but that he put on a front, just makes me hate him. And to add to that, during the breakup and afterward, he was colder than ever. It just feels like the old him, the him that would wake up to my spams on Kik, the one who told me how he loved it when I spammed him, the one who was excited to even just talk to me, the one who was my shoulder to cry on, got completely lost somehow… The one who told me that he would only break up either because we were fighting too much, if I were to cheat on him, or if circumstances made things impossible.
Do our circumstances make things hard? Yes. But we never got to the point where things started to feel like they’re impossible. I think it’s foolish of him to say that waiting it out was a bad idea because then we’d both be even more emotionally invested, because my whole heart was already invested in him. I guess his wasn’t. Once again, I’m now just the psycho ex that he doesn’t really want to hear from again.
I still don’t know how those things that we did together… those images, those moments that we trusted each other more than we’ve ever trusted anyone else, didn’t scar him the same way that they scarred me.
But you know what? Yeah, I want to say fuck you to his friends, if they’re part of the reason why we broke up, because the last time I spoke to him, he said things that I never heard from him before, so that makes me really suspicious. You know what? You guys don’t know what went on between us. You don’t know how we completely let down our walls with each other, how it was HIM who said “I love you” first. You might think it sounds like we rushed it, given how the duration of the relationship in itself may not have been that long, but when you’re speaking with each other for hours on end every day, and you’re sharing all of these intimate moments with each other that you never thought you would have with anyone, doing these ridiculous things, like falling asleep together while we’re still on voice call, the pacing doesn’t seem wrong at all. He never once complained to me about how fast we were moving, and he never told me that I loved him more than he loved me before we broke up. Everything seemed… right. And for the first time, he actually labelled my love for him as just “attachment…” It may be attachment when you only try to make the other person feel appreciated when you’re about to lose them, but throughout our entire relationship, I would always try to make him feel loved, even when I felt like he would have stayed with me regardless of what I did. That’s not “attachment.” Did you know that at one point, he said that I was his favorite person to talk to? Did you know that when I first cried to him, he shed a tear with me? Did you know that I was there for him throughout all of his random depressive bouts? You didn’t know any of this… so here’s a big fuck you to friends who break up their friends’ relationships thinking that they know what’s best for them when they couldn’t be any more clueless.
And no, this breakup isn’t nearly the same as the times that I’d nearly broken up with him, because every time was caused by him hurting me in some way. Though I always forgave him in the end because it was him. But since he fails to realize this, that’ll forever be his loss…
You used to be exceptional. Now you’re nothing but ordinary…