Love-and-be-loved said 10 years, 10 months ago:

So me and my brother are exactly 11 months apart. he was the best brother i could have asked for. We could talk about anything with each other. and when one of us was ever really upset we would call and emergency intervention. My brother would call the school pretending to be our dad and say we were sick or something and we would spend the whole days watching movies and eating popcorn. We trusted each other and we depended on each other. Because our parents were such a mess we were really close to each other. Up until about 6 months before he died we were like this. That about when my dad started become really abusive to the both of us and that when i guess i started to become more self centered. I started only caring about how i felt and almost completely forgot about him. We stopped being as close partly becuase he went high school while i was in middle school still, the day i found him i remember waking up and going into the living room. I thought my brother was still asleep in his room so i wasnt really paying attention, after about and hour my dad started calling for my brother to get up. when he didnt wake up i went into his room to look for him. Thats when i saw him laying on the floor. his eyes were closed and i first i tried to tell myself he was asleep but it was pretty obvious he wasnt. After i tried to shake him. I just went completely blank. all i could do was sit there. i could move, or even cry. my dad came up and saw us and called 911. After my dad called 911 he waited outside our house for them to come. I didn’t even move hell the ambulance came and they finally told me that there was nothing they could do. that’s the first time i cried. its been almost 2 years and its still been hard. Guilt has been hanging over me sense its happend. And i still hate looking at my dad who also blames me. I rarley show up to school anymore and dont ussually plan on going. Ive lost some close frends becuase i started not really caring about much for a while. and now i guess between blaming my dad and blaming myself im just one big blame factory. i guess im gonna have to keep working on getting better and im getting better slowly but sometime ill hit rock bottom for about a month and have to work hard to get back up. the thing i miss most is being able to tals about anything. (PS sorry for all the typos im on my ipod)

Deleted User said 10 years, 10 months ago:

@ayisha thanks for sharing your story. I think that many people have had some encounter with suicide but are timid to speak about it. You are brave to share. This is a devastating loss for you and your family. Grief is a process. Maybe some therapy or grief work books could help guide you through. PM me if you like.

Karina said 10 years, 10 months ago:

I can’t even imagine the pain that you must have felt when you found your brother. But unless you were mean to him then I wouldn’t blame yourself. Even if you might have been there for him to stop him, it might have happened later anyway. Your dad is just in pain, so instead of blaming himself, he blames the only other person around, which is you. But what you need to know is that what hapened is NOT your fault at all. I bet your brother is in heaven right now trying to tell you it was not your fault. Email me anytime at [email protected]

~Karina