Deleted User said 10 years, 4 months ago:
(Thank you if you decide to take the time and read this whole thing. I am really struggling and I am so lost right now, it all seems hopeless. I’ve even though of suicide, but I know that’s not the answer and I’m not going to make it to be)
Hi, I’m Alexis. I’m a 14-year-old girl, and I have social anxiety, as well as the dreaded panic attacks.
Due to my anxiety, I feel extremely uncomfortable, vulnerable, and insecure around other people.
And even though home is supposed to be a safe place, it’s not for me.
My family is Christian, but each of them is going through something immensely challenging, and everyone is so confused and angry. My Mom apparently has a problem with her thyroid, and the doctors aren’t totally sure of that. My Mom is going through all these physical ups and downs, and my Dad is stressed out with his own business as well as paying all the bills, on top of the medical ones. My 1st brother is just angry all the time and gets out of control at times, and my other brother is having problems with his schoolwork because he is going through something, I don’t know what, and neither do my parents.
My Mom homeschools us, at least when she is able.
My Mom is friends with the Pastor and his wife, and they teach me Math and English, along with their niece and her friend. The I will stay all day and go with them to help out at the children’s program at our church. I also take part in this co-op our church has, and the Pastor’s wife is responsible for me and my brothers when we are there. I get panic attacks mostly on those days.
But, the funny thing is, I enjoy being out and around those people, and I look forward to those days every week, and I try to stay out and ask to come over, just to avoid going home.
I hate going home, I hate being home, I hate being around the people I live with, and I will avoid it at all costs.
I sometimes wish I lived with the Pastor and his wife, along with their niece. I love those people more that my own family, and I am way more comfortable around them. They also know some of what I’m dealing with, and the Pastor’s wife helps me sometimes during my panic attacks. I would rather have her comfort me and have her be with me and talk to me than my own mother. I sometimes even wish something would happen to my family so that I could live with them or, really, anyone else.
My family loves me I think, at least not in the right way. They don’t physically harm me or anything, but it’s just emotionally unsafe. I don’t know how to explain that very well, but I hope you can get the point.
I also don’t really have anyone to go to, besides the Pastor’s wife, I suppose, but she always seems too busy. I don’t really have any friends, I never really have though. The one I had I lost. And the one I am trying to hang onto is slipping away.
I’m so lost, and I hope you guys could help me out in some way, any way.
Thank you for taking the time to read this whole thing. I might as well have written a autobiography. Half of one anyway.
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