but I can’t afford it, so I’m turning to the internet. Some psychiatrist who hates money and has too much free time should come over here! That’s not too much to ask right?
Anyway, I’m a man in my late 20′s and still a virgin. I think I’m mostly straight, but I can’t say I’ve never found a guy attractive. The ratio is skewed definitely towards women though. Either way, I’ve always been kind of sexually indifferent compared to most people. I care, just not enough to make a move. I also have terrible anxiety and it’s easier to just stay alone I think.
But recently I’m becoming fed up with myself. I always thought I was ugly and I didn’t deserve anybody anyway. I’m pretty judgemental all things considered so I’m not even fishing for people to feel bad. I don’t get along well with most people, so I figured that’s just how its going to be. But lately I’m thinking I’ve had a really self defeating attitude, ever since adolescence. I accepted too long ago that I’m inferior and that I’m ugly, and as a result I’ve become a miserable self hating adult. And it’s occurring to me more and more that the only things I like about how I look are sterotypically female things. I like my slender figure, I like my long hair, I like when I catch myself doing cutesy mannerisms unintentionally. I hate my body hair, and my terrible acne. I have so many scars, I don’t know how I could ever be attractive to anyone.
I’m finding myself wondering way too much about transgender stuff. I don’t know how else to say it, I’m not very read up on the matter. I have read some stuff and it sounds dangerous and scary, and I basically have known about it for a while and my initial reaction was something like: wow, some of these people really pass, that’s impressive, but I’m ugly so whatever. It seems appealing as a lark, but it’s not just a lark so it’s stupid to even think that. I’d rather be an old dude than an old woman anyway, hahaha.
I’m having trouble laughing it off lately though. I say I’d rather be an old dude but really I don’t want to be either. For a long time I’ve like things that are cute, and honestly that affinity has always made me kind of upset for reasons I didn’t really understand. To some degree I would think, well I guess I want to be a girl. But really, I want to be a CHILD and that’s a delusion and stupid and not an impulse to feed. I just want to be some kind of perfect person that doesn’t exist, and because the person I am now is a male who sucks at life, the perfect person is female. It’s just a delusion, nothing more.
But maybe, the youth part aside, and really who doesn’t wish they were young forever, but maybe there’s some substance to it. Maybe all of my negative thoughts are grounded on a body-hating level? Is that possible, or am I being an idiot? I feel like I just made all of this up, but stupidly it’s true. I don’t know how much more I can say without typing out my life’s story. I don’t know what I expect to get from this anyway, I know I can’t expect a diagnosis from an internet forum. I’m just getting older every day, like everyone does, and I’m afraid that I’ll be one of those people who has one of those OH MY GOD moments in their 50′s and there will be nothing I can do to reclaim my early adult years. I feel like I should just shut up, but my brain won’t stop with the stupid thoughts. I have a mess of other issues I should be focusing on, so maybe this is just a classic diversion technique from my brain to hinder me from being successful in life. You don’t have to be a girl to like cute things, but it seems like it would be nice to be able to dress nice. If that’s all this is though I feel like I’m being very petty. I don’t know if this is real, or if my depression is just playing tricks on me.
I know this wasn’t a well planned out essay about myself and I’ve really just been typing out what I’ve been thinking. I don’t know what else to say. Does any of this sound real to anybody out there? Maybe I just need a good smack, hahaha. If anybody has any opinions I’d like to hear them, because I don’t feel like I have anyone I know to talk to about it.