First off, I want to say sorry to the people I haven’t been in contact with that much. I can’t explain it, I’m just in a strange mindset at the moment and communicating with others has become quite hard-I’m working through it though.
There is a reason behind this post but it’s not to get replies..
I was confused about my sexuality for a while, thought I might be a lesbian and then toyed with the idea that I was asexual.
The thing is I hated guy’s and felt a strong irrational mistrust towards all males. So the very last thing I wanted to be was straight.
So during my teen years I did a bit of experimentation. I started dating a girl I was in foster care with. I say dating but she was more my best friend and I felt completely safe with her and she made me feel good about myself. She was beautiful and sometimes I couldn’t take my eyes of her,which I mistook for sexual attraction because although I could see she was beautiful, from my side It wasn’t actually attraction but admiration. I wanted to be her, looks wise everything, and I cared about her alot.
But as far as sexual stuff, I really didn’t want to touch her in a sexual way and although I really wanted to be a lesbian and make her happy, it just wasn’t there for me.
She knew that too and in the end we just joked about it and became even closer as friends.
So when that didn’t work out I started to think that I must just not have any true sexual desires at all, because before that sex with guys was about abuse and self harm, but not about sexual desire.
That was until I started dating a guy who won me over and I discovered I was very attracted to him.
Blah……hope that make sense ,I know that just sounds like rambling so I hope many dont read this but I hope the person I’ve written this for does and it makes it a bit clearer.-didnt want to send you a message incase I woke you up because I think you get notifications on your phone, and felt like I would probably be better off typing it now while the words are still with me and it’s fresh in my head.