Ok so I posted something similar in the sexuality questions group but I want to post this here as well. I am not the standard poster on this page; not part of the LGBT crowd or someone confused about their sexuality, I am straight out Asexual and have been for the last 10 years. My last relationship was with the person I thought was my match but it ended and since then I haven’t dated at all (I’m a male btw). Since it was in my teens at a stage when I was still developing it cut off basically any further developments in terms of sexual desire. Well I think it’s that reason at least.
So after going to an all boys school for my HS (I’m Australian so that’s yr7-12) I thought that maybe I just didn’t feel anything because I was around girls much so I mingled and associated and while I may have felt romantic feelings I never felt sexual desires. That’s the thing most people get confused about, asexual doesn’t mean that I don’t have emotions as I do, but I just don’t feel any attraction to “the act”. People don’t get Asexuality mostly, explaining to people why I wasn’t seduced by them or staring like a typical male just got me looks like I was trying to hide being gay. Now I have no problem with the LGBT community at all and I completely agree with mostly everything they stand for so it wasn’t an insult to me in that they called me those things but rather an insult because they didn’t understand and accept me for not having any sexual orientation.
A lot of people tried the lines like “Oh you just haven’t met the right person yet” or “You’ll start getting the feelings once you find the right person” but you’ve got to understand that the feelings purely and simply aren’t there for me. The best way to describe it is that the hormones that make you like sex just don’t activate.
The reason I am making this thread is just to explain to people the basics of what it’s like to be asexual and allow for others in my situation to relate to something, maybe to even help those who wonder why they feel no sexual attraction.
Now don’t get me wrong Asexual-ism is pretty cool as well: I don’t get swayed over by looks and I judge people by their character not their appearance, I don’t really bother with my appearance unless I am going out with friends and don’t want to look like a crazy homeless guy next to them and I am able to look at all sexualities and judge from an unbiased standpoint; however I can’t tell you how hard it is to give relationship advice, especially when being a listener on this site and getting asked so many questions about relationships.
It’s good to see someone secure in their identity.
Hey, welcome to the group. It’s always great to hear positive stories, especially from people who are often misunderstood. I hope someone can learn from your post, whether it be understanding asexual or themselves!
Hello, your post encouraged me to make an account to reply to this since I understand how you feel wholeheartedly, it’s been difficult for me being an asexual due to the fact that I didn’t know it even existed when I was a young teen, I had to struggle with the confusion and guilt that it brought to me, it was even worse when I found out that I’m emotionally attracted to more than gender. I was unsure of why I was like this for the longest time and thought I was “broken” to the point I forced myself to engage in activities that I had no interest in, I thought I needed to push myself to out of my little shell.
I still struggle with it, however I’m glad that I at least know a little bit about myself, and that what I’m experiencing is okay, I don’t have to force myself to confirm to what society deems as “appropriate” and that there’s more to intimacy than just sex, while it is an important factor yes but to me (and many others) it isn’t and that’s okay as well.
Hi, I’m not asexual myself, but I do have a question. Is it ever difficult to communicate to others the difference between your romantic orientation and your sexual orientation? If my question is offensive, please let me know, and I apologize ahead of time.
I know I only relatively recently came to the realisation I was asexual, and much more recently that I was also aromantic. The confusing thing about that is that it tends to make my understanding of asexuality extremely different from those who do experience romantic attraction, because those asexuals have romantic relationships that simply lack the sex aspect, or is slightly modified, depending on how comfortable they feel with their partner and what agreements they reach. But I know that the hardest thing is that I simply can’t tell my family, because I just know they won’t understand, and that’ll make it really interesting as I get older, and it kind of makes me secretly wish I /would/ find “the one” that people so often assure you exists, just to make things simpler… It’s really awkward, and I don’t know. I’m just glad that I understand now why I always felt different from most others, and that me being different is okay.
Hi I’m currently struggeling to find/accept my sexual identity and wanted to tell you that your story really gave my some security.
I’m 18 now and never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend)and never really kissed somebody (apart from one kiss in kindergarden, which doesn’t count. About a week ago I discovered the term asexual by coincedence and as I read more about it on different websites I could identify with many things I read there.
However, I always wanted a relationship and possibly children and the concept of asexuality doesn’t quite fit into my picture of the future. I know that doesn’t mean you can’t find a partner and so on but … I don’t know.
There are like two people in my head, one’s like “this definition describes you perfectly. There’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wong with YOU.” and the other “but how do you know if you haven’t tried? And how can you be sure you’re not demisexual or somthing? Aren’t you just crying for attention?” and things like that.
I experience romantic and aesthetic atraction but how can I tell that I don’t experience sexual atraction if I don’t know what defines it?
Sorry for the long, confusing post, I’m just really confused myself and needed to get this off my chest.
*claps* Asexual sneaking in here to say good on you for making this post.
Oh. and to slyph-dancer. Not offensive at all. And yeah. it can be at times. people have the 2 so intertwined in their minds that it can be hard to explain the concept.
I’m glad that this post has encouraged conversation and I am also glad that other people have found themselves identifying and understanding Asexuality. To slyph-dancer, like LibraryFox said it’s not offensive at all and yes it can be really hard to make people understand the difference in sexual and romantic orientation, especially if people are closed minded about it.
To Beanpudding, sexual attraction is easier, I assume, for a male to define then a female simply because, and no offence intended but male tend to only be attracted to women if sex is on the table. So to me it was simply being in an environment where people where all talking about who they wanted to hook up with and I just felt none of the feelings. I can still recognise when people are good looking though so aesthetic attraction does not necessarily mean you aren’t asexual however if you feel like you want to basically participate in any type of sexual activity and have feelings towards it that does make you not Asexual.
Hi I just wanted to put on this thread that, even though I am not asexual, I am currently in an amazing relationship with somebody who is. I have a rather unique perspective on the whole thing and I’m open for anybody who wants to pick my brain on the subject. Either put another message on the thread or shoot me a message
I am so late to this party- but I made an account just to reply.
Beanpudding- please understand that it is quite possible for you to be asexual and still want/have a family, be married and such. There are plenty of aces who are in healthy, happy sexual relationships and who are parents and masturbate…. and etc.
Being Asexual means that you do not experience sexual attraction; whether or not you are interested in the act itself is another step into the identity, but the basic stuff is sexual attraction and not experiencing it. Some aces are sexually active (with or w/o a partner) and some aces are repulsed by the act. Both are valid examples of aces.
And I’m speaking as an Ace, here! I thought I was broken until my early 20s and didn’t even know the term asexual existed!!! It was… so relieving to come across an identity that was valid and that was /mine/! Finally, gosh, I was normal afterall!
But yeah! Don’t be afraid to find a home in asexual party land, though. You can not experience sexual attraction and have/want a family. I’m in a very healthy relationship right now and I am extremely attracted to my partner sensually, intellectually, romantically, etc (she is very cute!!!!).
Also be open (since you are questioning) that you very well could be demi- and that it’s totally okay if you are, but try not to get too caught up in the identities. Claim ones that make you feel relieved and all warm and fuzzy. Or don’t claim any and just let things flow! Remind yourself it’s okay to not have the answers to yourself. Being happy and comfortable in your skin is what counts.
Honesty—brutal, naked honesty—with yourself helps too