jaz said 7 years, 6 months ago:

I hope it is ok if I write a long post. I will try to put in trigger warnings like I saw on another post.

If you can’t deal with some graphic stuff please do not read this. I have been crying so hard for a while now that I just don’t care anymore about not telling what happened. And yes I reported it and thats part of what has me scared.


ok, first I gotta say that I am 15 and my mom died less than a year ago and thats when things went bad. My dad started drinking and now gets drunk every weekend. He never hurt me before and Ioved him and trusted him. Now I hate him and wish he died instead.

a few saturdays ago, he got drunk like usual and I was in my room trying to stay out of his way. he started banging on my door and when I yelled what he came in. he kept saying somethig about how I been dressing but Icant remember what he was saying. I kept telling him to get out of my room but he wouldnt leave. I dont remember exactly what happened next but I remember he was opening his pants and I was yelling at him to get out of my room. I didnt know what he was doing or why. I started screaming and crying and tried to push him out my door. I think Iscreamed at him that he was scaring me but I dont know if I screamed it or just thought it really loud. next thing I remember he was pushing me down on my bed and I did not know what was happening. I dont even know how long he was in my room any more. He had his pants down and was climbing on me and he was kneeling on one arm and I could not get it out from under his knee. I kept thinking he was going to break my arm and Idid not know what was going on.

He kept telling me to open my fucking mouth and I thought he was going to kill me if I didnt. he stuck it in my mouth and kept pushing it in over and over and it seemed like forever. he kept pushing it in until he finished and then finally let me up. I ran to the bathroom and made myself throw up 3 or 4 times. maybe more. I brushed my teeth like 10 times and used 1/2 bottle of mouth wash. I dont remember how long I stayed in the bathroom but I took a really long shower and stayed in after laying on the floor crying. I woke up later and went into my room and pushed my tale against the door and slept on the floor on the other side of my bed.
At first Iwas too afraid to ay anything to anyone but I finally called a raape crisis number. the guy told me that since he did not go between my legs it was not rape and that I could have gotten away if he was that drunk and if I wanted he would call the police but that I would have to go to a locked facility for up to a year while child protective decided what to do with me.
After some ppl told me to contact RAINN and to call the police and stuff I finally did.
I told them what happened and gave even a lot more detail and the police had a woman come in and talk to me and she asked me about my mom and about how I was with that and I told her I was still not good and she asked if I blamed my dad and I said no cause she had cancer and she asked if I still thought it was his fault. Then she asked me if I was mad enough about my mom dying and him drinking that I would make up a story about what happened. They said that there was no evedence and that he said we got into a fight that night and that I was fighting with him every day and that I was really mad that he still drinks on the weekends. They said I could either go home with him or they could take me to a mental health hospital. I went to the hospital because I did not feel safe going home with him. 2 fucking days later they had him pick me up and take me home.
I have been keeping my bed against the door every night because I dont have a lock on it. Ihave also been staying at a friends house on weekends. He has not touched me after but he said last weekend that it was my fault that he was attracted to me cause I am starting to look like my mom. He also said that when I wear a bikini I look like a little slut. Ihave been wearing long sleeve shirts and jeans every day even when it is 90 out now and my friend thinks something is wrong with me. I dont know what else to do. The police think I am lying. I dont even care if they dont arrest him I just dont want to be here any more. I dont have any other family at all. I am fucking stuck here for 3 more years. I just want to be gone. Why should I have to live with him now? I am afraid every day that he will want to do even more. I dont know who to trust anymore. I dont think I can trust anyone.

itsaboutthelittlethings said 7 years, 6 months ago:

Hey Jaz,
First of I wish to pass on my deepest condolences on the loss of your Mother, that alone must have been incredibly hard to deal with even without the other changes in your life which has occurred.
Nothing excuse what your Father did and I think you were so brave for reporting him like that and it is horrific that your case was mishandled.
First of the guy at the Rape crisis Line was completely wrong to be dismissive of your story, even if in your country the legal definition for rape is vaginal penetration, what happened to you was still oral rape and no less traumatic and completely wrong to say the least.
As for the police investigation, that too was completly wrong and even if they didn’t have enough evidence to prosecute him, your safety should always be of paramount concern and you should never have to live in a place where you are fearing for your safety.

The authorities in this case really do seem to have lost sight of there number one objective which is to defend and protect the vulnerable.

You have said you feel like you have no one to trust and given what you have been through that’s understandable.
You have a few options but there is no easy solution. My advise would be to keep in contact with Rainn and other child protection agencies and charities, finding out your options and the services within your country and area, as in some countries there are volunteers which would act as your advocate and better ensure your safety.
You should not have to live with him or anywhere you feel unsafe, and sometimes it can take alot of noise to ensure that your listened to properly.