Kwonza said 9 years, 2 months ago:
So, part of this thread will be asking for advice, part of it will be my story. I’ll have trigger warning indicators on where the story stops and ends.
So, some events happened throughout my life and I had been happy for a while, but now the feelings of depression and anxiety and yanking me down again and I’m drowning.
It’s my fault. My friends recommended me a movie and I foolishly watched, not even realizing the entire thing should’ve been taped up with bright yellow “trigger warning” stickers.
My PTSD episodes launched in full bloom and I cut all over my body. My parents are used to this by now, so my mom brought it up to me, asked me to see a therapist, while my dad said nothing.
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**TRIGGER WARNING**
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It started in early childhood. My grandfather started touching me from when I was three until the time I was four. I don’t remember how I felt back then and if I blamed myself for that or not at the time, but years later I still have nightmares about it.
Everything was fine until elementary school hit. I was bullied all my life, but I won’t get into that. In fourth and fifth grade boys began to touch me and corner me while there were no aids around. It was horrible and marked the first time I tried to kill myself.
When I was twelve I was dating a boy, he was 17 at the time. He invited me over to his house and raped me in front of his actual girlfriend. He had just been using me for that purpose. Afterwards, I couldn’t move due to the pain and he proceeded to have sex with the girl right in front of me.
That specific memory has trailed after me all my life. It’s that specific memory that began the PTSD (but not the severe social anxiety). After that incident, my self worth had been diminished. I tried to kill myself several times to no avail.
I ended up falling into a cycle of severely abusive relationships, during the course of which I was raped several more times, and still have some physical scars from abuse.
After that, I lost not only all trust in men, but also trust in humanity. I despise people more than anything else. It’s not that I wish ill will on anyone, but I always feel like everyone is out to get me and that I’m unwanted.
I always feel like everything is my fault.
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**END TRIGGER WARNING**
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So now I’m dating a really nice guy that treats me fantastically.
I don’t want to tell him (he does know about my past, PTSD, and social anxiety), but I’m honestly afraid of him.
I trust him much more than I trust basically anyone else, but I still doubt him. I’m still afraid.
I get worried that if I say no to sex, he’ll take it anyway (even though he insists that won’t happen) and that will ruin what we have.
While he sleeps he naturally hugs me really tight and will grope me. I know he’s asleep (I didn’t believe him at first and had to check a few times), but I still feel violated.
I expressed this concern to him, but couldn’t talk much before I started silently crying next to him.
I get worried that he’ll try to do other things when he is asleep. I don’t know if this is a stupid concern or not, but it worries me.
More so recently, my feelings of self-worth have plummeted. I was doing so well, but now I’m getting increasingly more paranoid. I’m getting anxious for no reason and have bad insomnia. Whenever I sleep I have horrible night terrors and wake up hysterical. All I can think about is what happened.
I know that I can’t go back and change it. I know I can’t let these people control my life. But it still haunts me.
My self-image isn’t nearly as bad as it used to be, but compared to how it was a month ago it is poor.
I even question if I have any value as a human being.
I’m not really sure what to do. My coping skills don’t work so well with these kind of things.
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