lu said 8 years, 5 months ago:

I was sexually assaulted when I was 6 years old (I turn 16 in two weeks). I still remember everything that happened vividly. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it and feel extremely bad.

I was at my grandma’s house, it was my aunt’s birthday. My aunt’s best friend was there and she brought her 16 year old son with her. There were only adults there mostly, so he asked me if I wanted to play a game. He took me upstairs and started kissing me, and I didn’t know what was happening; I was in shock, eyes wide open, not moving.

I tried to leave but he didn’t let me, said I was being bad and he was going to tell my mom. Before this I considered him my “friend”, and he tried to make me believe he would stop being my friend if I didn’t do what he asked. He spent a lot of time just talking and saying dirty, awful things, messing with my hair, and I didn’t do a thing.

Then, it comes the hard part… Everytime I get to this I just freeze and don’t know how to say it because it always sounds so dirty and it makes me feel like crap but… He forced me to give him a blowjob. Pushed me down on my knees and forced me to do it.

I was only 6 years old, it has been 10 years, and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about this. I can never go past kissing a guy because it brings back these awful memories. It didn’t help that when I told my mom about this (when I was 9) she just said she was sorry and didn’t talk about it ever again. It made me feel even dirtier than ever, as if my own mother was disgusted by me.

Even though I still have depression and I self-harm because of this and other issues and stuff I have gone through, just very recently I started to research more about abuse and reading other people’s stories is finally starting to make me see that there is no way that was my fault. I spent so much time blaming myself, thinking of myself as dirty, and since a few weeks ago I realised he was the one who was dirty. I am nowhere near being over it and I think that will take some time and a lot of work and talking, but nowadays I can finally sleep at night without thinking it was my fault.

And to everyone who went through any kind of abuse, I have one thing to say: Stay strong. It wasn’t your fault, and it may take a bit (or 10 years) for you to see you are not the one who should be blamed.

Emily said 8 years, 5 months ago:

I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling with this for so long, it was not your fault. I can relate to you’re story because I was also abused at age 6 and I still find it extremely difficult to confront, even now typing, and remember everything. I still feel dirty and I’ve also had that barrier between relationships and struggled to every be open in that way. If you ever want to talk send me a message if you like, I know how you feel and all of us on this site will help support you. I think you’ve made a wonderful amount of progress too, and your story is really inspiring and helpful to me personally now I feel less alone. I’m getting there slowly, and hearing about brave people like yourself really helps. Thank you so much.