I used to self harm lots a few years ago. I was clean for a while until I relapsed and well, it wasn’t pretty.
I did not want and still do not want anyone around me to know or see my wounds, so I never cut deep enough to leave scar tissue. Only I know where the cuts have gone.
Yesterday marked one year clean.
It was only a few weeks ago that I threw away my old tools.
I don’t talk about it much because I don’t really see a need to. But lately I’ve been struggling to fight my urges. Perhaps it’s anxiety of the holiday season getting to me or college stress. Nevertheless, I feel that the right thing to do would be to talk to someone about it. I want to recover. I don’t want to hurt myself, but I constantly scratch at the places I’d cut and I do it subconsciously.
I need help.
Recovery is possible, I know it is, I mean, it has to be. But I’m afraid I don’t have the courage to do it on my own.
I sit here now and anonymously type my thoughts because I feel they are mute to those around me. Even if they aren’t, I feel guilty for sharing my thoughts and emotions.
I have a boyfriend whom I love but I can’t bring myself to tell him of my invisible scars; I passively asked him about his opinion on those who self harm and he expressed a rather cold answer of, “It’s such a terrible thing to exist. I find it awful.” I have a family that actually cares, but I couldn’t possibly tell them about this because it’d break their hearts. I have a few friends that know about this, but believe I have moved on and let go, I don’t want to worry them like I have in the past.
I have one friend whom I can count on but he is going through a lot right now in his own life. If he knew I was thinking and feeling these things, he’d probably be upset that I hadn’t gone to him sooner. But he has his own battles to fight without having to worry about me.
I am selfless.
Funnily enough, my brother says being selfless will be the thing that hurts me the most.
And he does know about these invisible scars.
Thank you, reader. For reading this. I actually feel slightly better for letting this off my chest.
Hope all is well,