I’ve been cutting for over a year and a half and people are telling me I’m addicted but I’m not sure if I am.
I started cutting because I wanted to feel the pain, but as I started cutting with sharper objects, I didn’t like the pain, just the scars. Now, I don’t like the initial pain but I like watching the blood coming out of my cuts and I like the cut and the pain the next day. It reminds me that I cut.
Besides for wanting to see the scars, I think the reason that I cut is to prove that I’m unhappy, even though I don’t show my cuts to anyone. No matter what I’m feeling, I usually have a pleasant excursion on my face. I have no idea why this happens it just comes naturally, and everyone thinks I’m happy because of it. Since I’m really not happy at all, I cut because that is an outward manifestation of my pain and shows that I really am not happy.
I don’t want to stop because I don’t want to give up seeing the cuts and scars and I hate the fact that everyone thinks I’m happy so I want to cut to prove that I’m not. Whenever I try to stop cutting, I extremely suicidal and usually end up cutting myself so I won’t attempt suicide. I still have trouble believing that I’m a real cutter, because i wince at the initial pain and don’t have cuts covering a large area of my body because I usually keep reopening the same cuts.
Am I a real cutter?
Am I an addict?