Estoniangirl87 said 5 years, 11 months ago:

I’ve been struggling with this for a while now. I started talking and thinking about this about this about 2 years ago, since my own daughters 6th birthday came close.
I was 6, my cousin was 14. It was spring and I went to visit at his home. I remember it so clearly. I had only a skirt and a t-shirt on. It’s all so detailed, i even remember the skirt was white with red cherries on it. He was home alone. I often went to visit but that was the first time he was home alone. I remember playing with something and then I went to him and asked if he had some sex magazines too. I’d seen some before somewhere. I have no idea how I even knew about sex but i knew it was how people make babies and how it’s supposed to feel good. He told me he had some and gave them to me. So i sat there, 6 years old, looking at dirty magazines. He came to me and asked if I got aroused, if my vagina got wet. I think I said it did. Then he asked if I’d like to try some of the things. I think I said ok. We took our clothes off and he was aroused. I remember being worried about getting pregnant, he told me that he knew a way I wouldn’t so it would be ok. He encouraged me to touch him, I did and he touched me. He told me to take his penis into my mouth and I did. That’s when I started crying, I didn’t like it. He told me to try again and I cried even harder. Then he told me to get dressed. As I was putting my shoes on to leave, he told me he’d kill me if I ever told anyone.
When I was a teenager and other girls talked about being a virgin, i felt like I wasn’t one. How could I be when I had this experience. I lost my virginity to a stranger met online at 16 because i felt like it was time to get over with it. I started acting out being promiscuous. I slept around. Now being an adult and looking back i feel like a lot of the things I’ve done comes down to this event.
The more I think about it the more I’m stuck because I feel like I’m partly to blame and like I asked for it.
Like… If I was put to a lie detector test. I they asked me if I was raped, I wasn’t. He didn’t rape me, he didn’t put his penis into my vagina. I they asked me if I was abused, I feel like I wasn’t because I let it happen, I didn’t say no, I agreed to it, i asked for it. That’s where I’m stuck.
Last summer I went to a real psychologist. She totally minimized his part in it. She said he was at the age of experimenting and there I was practically offering myself to him. That he probably has blocked the experience from his mind and doesn’t even remember it. She told me that what’s really bothering me is the fact that no one was there to comfort me. She told me to imagine this little 6 year old girl in front of me and take her to my lap and comfort her. I know enough psychology to know that’s classic Freud. That’s when I started crying from frustration of trying to explain myself to someone who just didn’t get it. As I was wiping my tears I saw that “did it” look in her eyes as she thought it was a break through, I knew I wouldn’t get any help from her. I left as soon as it was politely possible.
I need some help, I don’t even know if anyone can help me.
I *know* it was abuse and it was wrong, but I can’t get rid of the feeling like I asked for it and that I’m partly to blame. How can I get my head straight, how do I get to the point where I don’t feel like it was my fault and like I asked for it.

Deleted User said 5 years, 11 months ago:

I can totally relate to what you are saying.
I’m sorry you had went through that but it was totally not your fault,you were 6 years old and it was abuse . That psychologist was completely wrong to downplay your cousins part in it and to make you feel like you were in any way to blame.
Unfortunately for me the topic of sexual abuse is one of the few topics that make me struggle for words but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that it was in no way your fault. A six year old should never be put in that position and you never asked for it.

Deleted User said 5 years, 11 months ago:

First of, you couldn’t be possibly responsible for that. Even partially. Because you were too young for having any say in that matter. This is why they have such a thing as the age of consent – the age from which you are old enough to make conscious decisions. And this happened way before you reached that age. So don’t be even thinking you were ‘offering yourself’ – a six year old offering herself, just saying this sounds ridiculous, this is nonsense, you didn’t know what you were getting into and you couldn’t know if you want it or not, your child curiosity was taken advantage of.

Second, a boy of 14 should have understood that you are too young for this, he wasn’t a little kid anymore who doesn’t understand what he’s doing. Sure, teenage hormones and yadda yadda yadda, but the ability to think with our brain and not with our glands is what makes us humans. He didn’t care, he went along with it anyway. And the fact that he threatened you means he felt scared – he knew he’s done something wrong.

I don’t think he blocked this experience from his head, emotional moments like this are not easily forgotten. I think, or at least I hope he feels bad for what he’s done. I think you should talk about it to him. Maybe you will find a way to forgive him or at least get some sort of closure on that.

Estoniangirl87 said 5 years, 11 months ago:

Thank you both so much. I’ve talked to one other about it here and they pretty much said the same. All of you are really helping me with the healing process that’s going on right now. Maybe that’s what I need, especially after the psychologist practically minimizing any of his part in it, that people would tell me it wasn’t my own fault and I couldn’t ask for it of offer myself. It’s strange to need those kinds of reassurances at my age, to need them at all. I think of myself as a very strong person but this is my weak vulnerable spot. Talking-writing-thinking about it I still feel as if I was 6 years old, walking home. That’s the hard part, to remember it, parts of it so clearly. And now I’m just babbling.
Anyway, thank you. It all means so much to me.