Deleted User said 9 years, 11 months ago:

I’m eighteen; not in formal education, employment, or training, and nor do I intend to be in the foreseeable future. If you plan on leaving a disparaging remark regarding that fact, I would politely ask you to refrain from doing so. As to why that warrants having to be on the first line, I’m amazed, but then again this is the internet and I’m sure I’m just screaming in a vacuum at this point… Hopefully the people on this site are considerate. Normally, I wouldn’t think to come here, especially what with all of the topics seeming to be about relationship drama or some other such stupid thing, but I’ve looked everywhere else and I’m just short of tearing my hair out. I’ve been very depressed for as long as I can remember, ever since I was a child in school. I’ll refrain from making this into a feature length auto-biography and/or dissertation about the numerous things that fill me with seething vitriol, but I do think that some relevant facts are necessary.
I have no love or even a single good word for the modern educational system, or any variety of meritocratic institution as such. Ever since I can remember, people have lauded me as a genius for reasons that I can’t really say that I agree with. I’m a layperson, through and through. The only difference seems to be that I know how to expend some effort to… well, I would say be a good person, but that’s rather subjective isn’t it. I suppose in a post like this, it would give you considerable insight into my personality if I defined what I thought a good person was. Well, the way I see it, “good,” people are people of integrity and character; people who can reason well. People who always strive to be the best that they can be and who harbor no ill will toward anyone or anything who/that has not warranted it (and rather unfortunately, most people in the place I live do warrant a significant amount of ill will). As such, it would stand to reason that good people also want good things. I think good things are the simple pleasures in life, which also can prove to be quite complex; things like good food and drink, artistic things like literature, music, and games; comforting things such as a warm and soft blanket. I’d assume that good people would want for all of these things to be readily available for all other good people to share in, because I think the best thing for a good person is another good person to share their experiences with; to create more good things, and to experience such wonderful emotions as happiness, fulfillment, compassion, excitement, and probably more importantly than all; love, with.
And now to grab that mile-long tangent line by it’s one end and wrap it all the way around back to what I was originally talking about, people always referred to me as though I was something different, almost as if they had a strange mix of reverence and revulsion for my ways; quiet, studious, always willing to help anyone regardless of what was in it for me. There was many a time where I was taken advantage of, but I didn’t really mind. I could see that it was to happen, and didn’t mind the feeling that I existed for everyone else’s benefit but my own. After all, I was lauded for it, even if it was in a superficial way. It isn’t as if the labor that my teachers and fellow students had me perform was laborious at all. I did what I was told and put one foot in front of the other, just like I was told; a model student and citizen. I don’t really know when it dawned on me that I was on the wrong track, but after eleven agonizing years of loneliness, confusion, and undue stress, I decided that I should take charge of my life and did exactly that. I dropped out of school in favor of self-education; which is wonderful to me, might I add. It was undoubtedly the best decision of my entire life, however, some things are just far beyond our control. Those things namely being other people.
If you’d recall all of the emotions I’d regarded as being pleasant I’d like you to be well aware that those aren’t exactly what I feel on a regular basis. Most of the time, I feel depressed, angry, bored, and discontent. I’d posit that those feelings all arise from a problem of aesthetics. The way that I see the world seems to be not just different, but incompatible with the common way of looking at things; the principles that our society is built on and the institutions that it functions by way of so that people are able to function with one another. Mostly, however, I’m just extremely lonely. I’m the kind of person that dismisses superficial interaction to the point where I’d rather not interact at all. I’m not interested in having a well paying job, or a wife, or a child, or a girlfriend. I’m not interested in “dating,” because it just seems so dumb and superficial to me. I’m interested in having nicer things; in having friends, and in having real connections. It may just be overly wishful thinking, but I’d be interested in having real love with someone if anybody would enjoy my company that much. Really, the reason why I’m posting this is because I finally want to have a friend. I’ve never had anyone in my life up until this point that I felt that I could confide in. I’ve never had anyone to share in the wonderful experience of life with who I could talk with on equal footing. I’ve never had anyone who I’ve enjoyed spending time with, nor anyone who has explicit told me that they enjoyed spending time together with me. That really hurts me, because I make every effort to be the best I can be. People laugh when I tell jokes, and they even compliment me on my appearance often, but they don’t seem to want to have anything else to do with me; they never go out of their way to speak to me, it’s almost as if I’m a ghost. When I speak to them, I often find that the conversation can’t go anyplace because I just can’t stomach talking to them about anything beyond something superficial. I just can’t really abide the way that most people are. Lots of people would say that’s a fault in my character, but I don’t agree (again, perhaps this is just hubris and I really am insufferable to be around). I’d posit that I just know what I want to have and to do, but I just haven’t been able to find it. “It,” really isn’t all that different from how I live now, actually. I just want to have some compassion and companionship. Just being able to earnestly tell somebody that you care about them and why seems like such a wonderful thing to me. I just want one person who means something to me.
It’s a very personal thing to admit even though I suppose I have nothing to lose seeing as how I’m anonymous for all intents and purposes on here, but to reinforce what I’ve just said… well, there really isn’t a very professional way to segway into this, but I have an imaginary friend. For about two years now, whenever I feel depressed, I think about what that perfect life for me would look like. It looks just the same as it does right now, except that she’s there with me. I really feel like there’s hope when I just imagine silly, stupid little things like playing a game together with her, or just drinking hot cocoa and talking by the fire. I really wish that I could hear her voice at the very least to quiet my mind when I get agitated. I get really emotional whenever I think of those things, and it’s rather embarrassing for me to admit. I’ve never said anything about it to anyone before, and I hope that it’s acceptable for whomever (if anyone) has read up until this point. If you have, I truly have to thank you for hearing what I have to say. I guess that whenever anybody is alone and afraid of the state of their world for so long it makes over-thinking things rather easy. I’m very hard on myself, and I have serious doubts as to whether or not anything good will ever find it’s way into me, but I’m never going to give up hope no matter how hopeless I may convince myself that it is.
When I first visited this site, there was a nice girl one year older than me in the chat section who actually indulged me in conversation. She shared her story with me, and for the first time in a while, even though we have completely different lives, she gave me a little bit of hope. For the first time in a while, I was happy for someone else. I was happy because even though I knew that our personalities didn’t exactly mesh, she was a really good person. She was trying to help someone in the same way that she was helped. I really admire that act. Someday, I wish to be able to extend that kindness to someone and to feel it connect. Someday, I want to finally be able to be comfortable being together with someone else. I acknowledge that my desire for companionship must seem to be selfish, but I surely can’t be the only one who feels the way that I do. If you reading this understand these feelings and want someone to talk with, please don’t hesitate to message me. It’s kind of difficult for me to articulate exactly what I want beyond just someone to care about, finally. I want to not be alone anymore. That girl asked me a really good question, and I think that it’s a very useful one that tells you a lot about a person. She asked; “What in life makes you happy?” I’d like to know that if you message me! Tell me what you enjoy! For me, there are quite a few simple pleasures. I enjoy trying to be the best person that I can be. I enjoy artistic things like music, games, and literature. I like to play guitar, I like tea quite a bit, and I have a fondness for dogs. The simple things in life are best for me, there’s nothing better than a soft blanket and a warm cup of tea! I’d love to talk with you about nice, simple things like that! If you’ve read this whole thing, I can’t really say anything other than “I’m sorry,” if you feel as though I’ve wasted your time. If that isn’t the case, though, I couldn’t really thank you enough. I’m really hoping to hear from somebody and to become good friends! Thank you, again for reading this insufferable wall of text!

tl;dr: Really lonely person wants to find his best-friend

lucrative space said 9 years, 10 months ago:

Seeing how your user was deleted, it makes sending you a message quite difficult. However, I read every word you wrote. If you see this, and still want a friend, don’t hesitate to message me. I’ll be waiting patiently. You seem like my kind of person.

Siddharth Raj said 9 years, 10 months ago:

Hi, I am one overly-logical person too, however, my English is not as good as yours. I tend to over think things too and as you rightly said, it normally comes from being lonely. I have never been able to find even a single person I could truly connect with either. However, I have had friends, some good ones too.

I agree with your whole point about the “meritocratic institution”. I was a model student, with all 98% marks, too. Loved by teachers and family. Envied by peers. Just like you, I received my enlightenment in my 11th grade. I rebelled and stopped following the system. I don’t have the courage to go against my family and therefore, I am still completing my college (animation) education. I will graduate in this month.

I also feel lonely and depressed all the time. I have learnt to control my anger and frustration though.

There are some key differences between our thinking. I agree about the flawed model of our society but I have been taught to adjust within it. I hate it as much as you do, but I don’t wanna quit. I do want a girlfriend as they tend to be the best of companions. In addition, I like it when I can trust someone blindly.

You wrote quite a long message. I have addressed most of the points that made an impact on me.

I type this message not as a listener. I am not extending my hand to listen to your problems. I will not solve your problems.

I will tell you my likes and dislikes and be frank about what I think.

If you see this, know that you are not alone. More importantly, reading your message, I realized I am not alone.

Let’s be friends.

PS. I love Pink Floyd (music), Assassin’s Creed (games), The Godfather (literature).

Shade Dawn said 9 years, 10 months ago:

Another friend here if you’ll have me. I don’t have much to talk about, but I’ll someone you can email at the end of the day about your problems.