My life is one big groundhog day.
Every weekday I get up late, hitting the snooze button over and over until I make myself get up to get ready to go to a place I have no interest in. How does one find meaning in a job that if I died tomorrow would be unmissed by everyone? I reassure myself that I do a good job and that if I wasn’t there, things wouldn’t run quite so smoothly, but they would. I don’t have some secret ability that someone else couldn’t acquire the same way I have.
I’ve lived in the same town my whole life except for a few month stint with some friends, still in the same state. Sometimes I think, “If I moved, maybe things would be different.” But it’s that whole the grass is always greener thing. Things probably wouldn’t be different. I’d still lack motivation and ambition and be no better off, just lacking a paycheck.
I’ve seen a few posts on here suggesting joining groups, volunteering, etc. I think about those things often. Do I believe in God anymore? No, but I often think about going to church, just to have a sense of community. Every so often I think I should go volunteer, if I’m not going to do anything productive for myself, why don’t I go help others that are less fortunate? The thoughts fade and I continue to be a rock, unmoving. I can’t even muster the motivation to go buy furniture to furnish my apartment, much less go to a homeless shelter.
Every week is exactly the same. Get up, work, come home, play video games with friends, sip some beer, puff on an e-cig, go to sleep. Weekends come along. “I’m going to get some things done this weekend!” Friday evening rushes by, it’s 4 a.m. on Saturday, I finally call it quits. It’s 1 p.m on Saturday, I’m waking up. The day is over halfway over, might as well just get on the computer again. It’s Sunday night, time to go to sleep for work tomorrow. Every week is exactly the same.
Thank you for giving me a place to just write this down and vent. Anyone who takes the time to read this, I hope you have a wonderful day/evening.