There is nothing wrong with getting help, it’s alright to lean on others every once in a while. You don’t have to carry these burdens entirely on your own. You don’t have to smile all the time, especially if it hurts. You say you help people and try to smile for others, which is lovely of you to do, but don’t forget to also take care of yourself.
Your outlook on life is very negative, I have no place to say that it should be positive, however I do not believe it’s good for your health. Thoughts can too easily become habits and shape actions. The more you continue down this path, the greater the grip it might have on you. I can’t imagine what got you to this point, but perhaps there is room for you to introduce change into your life? I don’t know what your past methods of self-help have been, but if they haven’t been working, maybe look for other ways of helping yourself (and I don’t mean attempting potentially harmful acts).
There is sanctity in life and it would be a shame for you to live yours with that mindset.
Hang in there, please don’t give up, and I’m not just saying that. You never know what’ll happen, things can change, especially with the right support in your life. This site has seen many people go from very low points in their lives to standing on their own two feet. If you need peer support, you’ll find it here, it’s what Blah is for. I hope that you can find a way to smile again. Only this time, really smile, from the inside too.
Is there a way you can seek professional help to not only aid you with your current pain, but help you forge a path to a more positive lifestyle? Although we can support you here on this site, ultimately our reach is limited and so too is our education/certification.