NotSafeForTwerk said 9 years, 5 months ago:
*****This is all new to me, the talking about it thing. Try to bear with me if you will. This is going to be a lengthy read, so consider this a warning in case you want to bail.*****
The feelings I am dealing with aren’t exactly new, I’ve gone through cycles all my life, they simply build up over time. I am usually the the person for my friends to lean on. Most everyone I know comes to me for help with issues, I rarely reach out to vent to anyone about my thoughts or problems, not for fear of how they’d see me, but most people seem to disappear when I look for reassurance. I grew adept at holding it in and trying my best to not let people see that I am dealing with deep seeded issues. It is crippling, and I used to believe I had an infinite reservoir to drown these feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. However, recent events have shown me just how deep the cracks run.
I was with a woman for 8 years of my life, and weeks before our anniversary she had contacted an ex of hers. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but she began spending an ungodly amount of time talking with him and hanging out with him. I am no stranger to cheating, in fact every relationship I have been in ended that way, so I am very familiar with the signs. The day finally came where she admitted she had slept with him, on the day it had happened. There was a lot of tears, a lot of yelling, but in the end I agreed to try and work on things. She was honest with me and came clean when it happened. I had one stipulation out of all of this: That she cut ties with him, at least until I could get over the crap that happened. But this was far from the end of it.
It wasn’t long before she went out to friends “get togethers,” oddly with one person I had never met or heard of before. I knew right away what was going on, but I never accused her of anything. She started growing colder, getting annoyed with me more easily, spending less time with me. She started asking weird questions like “Do you believe in soul mates?” or “Where would you go if we broke up?” I am no stranger to the signs of a break-up. I tried being more romantic, being more attentive, being up front about my feelings. I didn’t want to lose her, but it felt all for naught. I started to internalize what was happening. I couldn’t talk to her without her getting angry that I was insinuating she was cheating. I couldn’t turn to my friends cause they didn’t want to hear it or implied that I enjoyed the attention from being pitied. I became heavily withdrawn and depressed, something I feel I never really recovered from. I made myself to believe it was all my fault that this was happening. If I was more attractive, more fun, a better person, less weird… I felt like I was her silver medal. Second best to this guy who she hadn’t spoken to in almost a decade.
I’m not sure where it happened, but eventually I stopped caring and just became numb. I was no longer constantly sad, but I could no longer feel anything. I stopped loving her. I think when this happened she noticed, cause she tried fixing things between us, but I had no energy left. I started to become annoyed with her affections, started to want to stay alone and lay in bed. Eventually I began to see how damaging I was being to her and decided to terminated things between us. We stayed friends, at least I wanted to stay friends. She still pressed to get back together, even when I told her I didn’t have feelings for her. She still tries. The thing is I don’t feel numb to just her now. I feel this way about everything. Like a strangling apathy that keeps me from enjoying or feeling about anything. Everything seems trivial, even my relationships with close friends and family. I find myself giving reactions to things I think a person would have to situations, but I genuinely don’t feel anything. It is almost as if I am an observer monitoring life around me, never actually interacting with it, never having anything at stake in it, just watching everyone and wondering how they find their zeal for life. How do they find the drive to keep going.
I don’t know how to classify what I am going through, nor do I even know how to get over it, lord knows I have tried. Some days are good, I have a semblance of feeling happy, but then I recoil not long after. I feel torn between feeling like a robot or feeling like I am wallowing in sadness. I just, I dunno, need to know I am not alone. That other people have dealt with this and turned out ok, because I feel like this is just going on forever and I don’t know how to crawl out of it or if there even is a way to. I have heard talking about things helps, which is why I am posting this, but I don’t have anyone in real life I can talk to for reasons mentioned above, or because I don’t want to scare them. I am not suicidal, I’d never kill myself, I just don’t see the point to being alive. At least not when all you feel like is a shell, inconsequential to the world, just there.
I’ll end myself her, I think I have already dragged this on too long, and for that I apologize. A side note, I am in no way saying I am innocent, that I never did anything wrong in our relationship. There is two sides to every story, and I am a bit biased to mine. The things that happened very well might be all my fault and I deserve the way I have become. I am just getting tired of holding it in, keeping it to myself, and letting it fester and rot my soul. Thank you for listening/reading in ay case.
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