panicky said 11 years, 1 month ago:
Hi, I’m Beth. I’m 21 years old and studying Philosophy at uni.
I suffer from depression and anxiety disorder and have done since I was about 13. I’ve been on antidepressants since 18: Citalopram, which was no good, and then Fluoxetine, which was even less effective. I’m just about to start taking Mirtazapine but am worried it’s going to be just as useless.
I used to have panic attacks at school multiple times a week, and have to hide in the toilets so no one would know. Things eased off a little bit when I went to sixth form college and the panic attacks became a lot less frequent: around a couple of times a month. When I started university, however, things started getting a lot harder again and this was when I finally decided to tell my Mum what I’d been going through since the age of 13. This was when I first spoke to the GP as well.
I made it through my first year of uni, but had to miss quite a few lectures due to panic. The second year wasn’t so easy and I had to take a break because the panic and depression got so difficult to manage. I’ve now nearly finished retaking my second year, though things have been even worse than ever. The only thing getting me through is that I’ve somehow learned to stifle the guilt I feel when leaning on others. I feel like I rely more on my Mum now that I did when I was 10. I go home every weekend and spend the whole time trying to relax and revitalise myself ready for the next week. I feel like an invalid and it’s horrible. I have panic attacks multiple times a day now, and I’m constantly living in fear of them because I have them completely spontaneously and they’re uncontrollable. I recently self-harmed again the other day, which I haven’t done for years.
So, basically I came across this and thought I’d give it a try.
Thanks for listening,
Beth x
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