Insightful Zebra said 9 years, 2 months ago:
This is me. This is me being completely honest and i’m going to tell you what’s hurting me recently, mostly in my mind.
I had depression, a deep one at that and i fell hard. Not too hard to leave me fucked but i wasn’t a fucking picnic. It was real and it was a fucking bitch that i had to carry with me everywhere. So then i went to see a therapist and told him everything. He helped me, he helped with some issues but because i’m an idiot i didn’t tell him everything. I never did tell anyone, just portions of it. Not even my closest friends. Mostly because i’m ashamed and embarrased of my life, it’s been a fight that hasn’t stoppped, i’m close to beating it i know. Inspite of going to the therapist and have some close people supporting me, they never did tell me exactly how i was going to fight depression. So for the first time in my life, i decided to focus and i began to fight on my own. I started to practice karate on weekdays and on weekends i wake up at 5:30 am to run 6 miles, i began to stop feeling sorry for myself and started to do some more shit like going out with friends, talikng to people i never talked to people because i was obviously insceure and scared of them not accepting me because i have low self steem which when my psychiatrist told me, it wasn’t a big fucking surprise. So i started to fight finally. So the days passed, weeks, months and i felt better than before but not how i wanted to be. I’m still insecure about me, i’m still shy and to be honest i’m tired. Tired to fight depression, it’s exhausting, this is just getting harder and is seriously don’t know how much shit i can take. Like i said i had other problems, like for example being poor and insecure about my economic state, cause everyone i can think of is fucking rich and i’m the only guy who isn’t. My life at home just feels strange, like if something is missing. When i’m in high school i get so homesick and then i get home and somehow i still do. My family has changed over the years for an incredible amount of reasons and they’re not doing an effort of making things better because i know things are fucked in my family, i know my brother also possibly suffers from depression. And right now i’m tired of fighting and not getting what i wanted. I miss being a kid when i didn’t have all of these problems and responsabilities which are just getting tougher than before. But i still fight, i just don’t know for how long since i slip into depression again. But the most important thing i lost in those 5 years everything got fucked was a reason to fight. I lost it somehow and without it i don’t know if i’m going to be strong enough to fight this. I’m not religious and i’m done with god, i don’t want anything to do with him so that’s not a possible answer for this question. So that brings me to the question:
What am i fighting for? Of course i know the obvious anwers, to be better, to not be depressed, to be fit, to beat depression, to have a better future, for my family, for my education but again this is not exactly an answer for me. I want to know how you exactly found your reason to keep fighting. Please, i’m too tired of looking at the same answers over and over so please. Help me.
Thank you for taking your time to read this.
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