I would really appreciate honesty, so don’t be afraid to tell me what you think.. so here is the thing.
I have a friend, a best friend actually. we know each other since two years now, and despite us being so different in personality, I’ve never felt so close, intimate, and trustful over a friend like him and with such a short time. He opened up to me really quickly, I couldn’t even imagine it since in the beginning I was a bit cold and not really chatty (I’m introvert, and when I know someone it gets some time before I speak freely), but seeing him so open, I opened up myself too, I trusted him like I never trusted anyone (barely).
Until I realized I fell in love with him, and I started seeing things where they were not, and noticing things I didn’t notice up close before. I was always searching for his attention, trying to spend time with him, and I was seeing jealousy where there was not (I just figured in the end that he was acting a bit possessive without noticing, but perhaps is wrong too!), so I kind of delude myself into thinking that maybe there was something between us. Until he confessed me that he fell in love with someone else, and my heart broke a little. At the start, to be a good friend, I listened to his stories, but then I just broke and told him not to tell me, and I confessed myself as well. He was kind of shocked, didn’t figure it out at all, he apologized, and avoid talking about it ever since. Still, even though I knew he didn’t like me like I like him, I wanted to treasure our friendship since it was so important, it was the connection I was searching for, and I didn’t want to break it over this. So I just tried to not think about him, but still trying to have time with him.
But.. I guess, ever since, only issues came up. well, not only, but I started to argue with him. He knows I don’t have friends nearby, so I would often propose him to meet up, or have a chat over phone, or watch a movie at the cinema, something like it. he lives a city away from me, so we’re not that far. But he never had time for me. He would forget our appointments, forget our day out, or just think alone that “it was too late to arrange it” without actually telling me anything until I would confront it with it. I broke in tears several times for this feeling abandoned and alone, and he knows it, I would always be honest and tell him what’s wrong. He would say that he’s sorry, propose me stuff to do together to make me happy, but then forget about it. Last time I argued with him I told him that he’s acting selfish, and not thinking about me at all, since he sees his friends when he can, and actually makes efforts to see his girlfriend even though she lives far away than us. And it hurts. Everytime I ask him to spend time together, he always has stuff to do. I told him I’m in a difficult situation, so I’m kind of over sensitive in this stuff, he says he knows, but I still can’t see a thing. I was thinking of breaking this friendship, I just feel loneliness, anger, being put aside, and insecure. He even tried to ask me if it was okay that he would talk about his gf (since I found out only later on that they got together and I was pissed off he didn’t share a thing with me while thinking that he was not into her anymore, and he apologized for it, but still, I didn’t like it at all), I said fine, but everything he said was hurting me thinking that he would do all such efforts for his gf, all such things for his friends, but for me he’s there only in a text message.
I don’t know anymore what to think, I feel exhausted, he tells me he cares about our friendship, but I don’t see how, and I just want him a bit more near me, I want to give up..