Mars said 10 years, 10 months ago:

I’ve seen this from a lot of people I know. I haven’t seen too many people around Blah doing it, but it’s still important to think about!

Many people look at other people’s problems subjectively, since they usually try to help someone by looking back at their own experiences surrounding a similar issue so that they can give better advice. This is oftentimes bad because something that may not be a big deal for you could be the worst thing that could happen to someone else. No matter what the issue, the severity of peoples’ feelings is legitimate, even if you personally believe that what they’re dealing with is no big deal.

For example, a 14-year-old may be an 8 on the devastation scale after a break up. You might think that doesn’t matter, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’re horribly upset. Someone with BPD might feel crushed under the false illusion of exclusion, but it doesn’t make their feelings any less justifiable.

Don’t link the severity of emotion with your opinionated view on the severity of their problem!

Deleted User said 10 years, 10 months ago:

Thank you for this post. Too often people who have just listened to someone else’s problems will trivialize said person’s problems.

Deleted User said 10 years, 10 months ago:

Wow. My mind is blown. I’m going to reevaluate how I try to support others.

Mars said 10 years, 10 months ago:

Also, when you do think someone’s issue is trivial,

GOOD: Rationally talk them through it; be kind and open. Make them look at their own issue objectively. If they resist, drop it and let them vent.

BAD: Telling them to get over it. Taking the “there are kids starving in Africa” approach.

lumberframe said 10 years, 10 months ago:

Hey Mars,

Thank you for the post i am new on here but your post really shows me that nice people do exist in this world. Hard times always show you who your true friends are thats for sure.

Odie said 10 years, 10 months ago:

There’s no single way to handle every venter; some people want to hear advice, some people want to hear validation for their feelings. But as a listener you are ultimately trying to help them (in the sense of easing their pain, not solving their problem) and you should use the technique that you think is going to be most effective.

You make a good point that you shouldn’t trivialize a person’s feelings because you think they are unimportant. But it’s also important to remind people that life goes on; that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, that the feelings won’t last forever. The 14-year-old who is devastated should be told that their life has not ended; but, with empathy, and without needless superiority. What the venter wants is some feeling of control over their own emotions, or they wouldn’t be talking to you, and validating those feelings is only the first step to making them less devastating. Sometimes validating is as far as you can get with someone. But if you can, if you see that they are relaxing, then it’s not inappropriate to give them another perspective on their problem and suggest a course of action.

Always temper your advice with empathy, but that doesn’t mean you have to avoid giving it.