Haven’t been here in years.
To start, I’m a Hodgkins Lymphoma Survivor, a little over 2 years Cancer free so far. After my treatments were all completed, I settled back into a usual life, albeit not a healthy one. I was already vastly overweight and continued to gain another 30lbs over the next two years until eventually, in December of 2017, I had my first, sudden and random Anxiety Attack.
The attack was in the car. I was wearing a belt that was digging hard into my waist, and when I was worrying about that, my arm started to tingle, and I broke out in cold sweats. I lost my focus and I was forced to pull over on the side of the Highway. After twenty or so minutes, it passed and I went back to normal for another couple of weeks, until the second attack. This time it was much worse, and also in the car. The attack didn’t stop, and I was taken to the Hospital until It eventually subsided. After that the attacks began to happen more frequently, until it became nearly daily. Since then over the last several months of this year I’ve suffered numerous attacks of varying intensity, mostly brought on by thoughts of dread and possible illness or death. I proceeded to have every test under the Sun done for me, and to my ironic disappointment, every single one came back showing nothing wrong besides low Platelets, which is a chronic symptom of my Chemo. I was told I was Healthy, but that didn’t explain why I kept feeling like I was dying. Chest aches, pains in my head, shortness of breath, difficulty concentrating.
Around the end of February I had reached the weight of 345, and found myself at the point where I realized I couldn’t live like this anymore. From that day forward, after springboarding off a Stomach bug, I began an exercise routine as well as editing my diet. I hit the gym, doing the Treadmill and Chest Presses twice a day, every day of the week, and for the last nine weeks I’ve lost every pound I gained since the end of my Cancer treatment two years ago, with a final goal of losing 100lbs.
As you can imagine, I’m in a point where I’m exercising constantly, I’m losing a lot of weight, and all my doctors tell me I’m Healthy, that I should be happy right now. But It’s still far from the case. I still suffer debilitating Anxiety. A pain in my head makes me think I have a blood clot. Chest aches makes me think I’m going to have a Heart Attack. I’ve seen a Therapist before with a couple sessions, and all I got out of it is to try breath training, and to lose my weight. But forgive me for thinking that simple talking isn’t going to free me from this. I’ve even tried turning to medications and some have worked temporarily, but then I learn they mess with your Brain chemistry and that even terrifies me, especially having been through the horrid effects of Mirtazapine. After everything so far, I feel like this is a new fight that I have to just suffer through, living every day hoping to not die, and tell myself I’m still fine.
To note, I’m currently 26, and I had my Cancer when I was 23.