*trigger warning and graphic*
this story starts when I was living in Florida in 2012. I had been with my fiance Jessie for a year already and we stayed together while I was living in FL. I had to move there because I had nowhere else to go and at the time I couldn’t live with him but we still stayed together. We have known each other since high school and got together on my birthday of 2012. I moved to FL in October 2012 and we skyped and talked on the phone constantly and since we are computer nerds so this wasn’t too difficult. I went to visit him in May of 2013 and ended up getting pregnant because let’s face it, after almost a year apart it was bound to happen haha. Anyways, I found out I was pregnant and we were both ecstatic but scared of course. I stayed in florida for about another month so I could get enough money to move back to Georgia so I could be closer to Jessie obviously. The day before I moved I noticed a little blood in my underwear as I was packing so I went to the hospital and they told me I had a blood clot in between my uterus and the baby’s placenta. Naturally I freaked out but they told me that I should be fine and that while there is a chance that I would miscarry, that I might not and to assume that I wouldn’t. So I continued the move and I ended up moving in with my now ex-best friend (another long story). I was there for about a month and I was still bleeding from the clot but they told me that it was normal with a clot and that it would either bleed itself out and I would pass it, or I would miscarry. Well about once or twice a week I would bleed very bad and go to the hospital and each time they told me the same thing, “it’s just trying to bleed itself out”. One day I was sitting on the couch about to go to sleep and that is when i felt it, a rush of fluid. I am 18 weeks pregnant at this point and the bleeding started at 13 weeks. So after I felt this rush of fluid I went to the bathroom expecting to pass the clot instead I get tissue that looks like a small organ (I am assuming that it was part of the placenta but I am still not sure because I wasn’t able to test it) and a ton of blood at this point. I went to the hospital, I even brought the tissue that I passed and told them what happened. They did an ultrasound on me and my baby was still alive at this point and even moving around (I wish I had a video of it). So they actually told me that I would be fine and that there is a chance that the tissue meant that I was miscarrying but they decided to send me home (still not sure why they did that, I was clearly miscarrying). So I went home in shock and denial thinking and hoping that me and my baby would be ok. So I lay down on my air mattress (I was staying in her living room at the time this all happened) and while i was cramping (now I know they were contractions) I wasn’t in that much pain yet. Two hours later and I am in full on labor. I go to sit on the toilet and I am bleeding profusely at this point. I pass my baby on the toilet but unfortunately since I was bleeding so much and confused and tired from blood loss I didn’t even realize that I had passed him until I got to the hospital and they told me that he was out already. I was in so much pain physically and emotionally that I didn’t even realize that he wasn’t inside of me anymore (this is just one of the reasons that I beat myself up about it the most). Anyways, as I am sitting on the toilet still at home bleeding and in so much pain I can barely speak I call my fiance while he is at work to tell him that I am about to go to the hospital and that I think the baby might have died (still don’t know for sure at this point) and I kept apologizing and crying so hard I couldn’t see and he just calmly told me that everything would be ok and that he loved me and that he would come to the hospital as soon as he could (he worked the night shift stocking at a store and he was about to get off work when I went to the hospital luckily). Once they came and got me and took me to the hospital they left me in this room crying and in pain still and still bleeding for what seemed like an eternity and finally gave me something for pain after they “booked me” or that’s what it seemed like anyways. It didn’t feel like they were acting like it was an emergency even though I was almost dead from blood loss. But honestly I was so confused and tired and upset that I could have just thought that because of what happened. Anyways they finally give me something for pain and shortly after that is when my poor fiance came in and saw me almost dead, pale, now drugged up and still crying even though I didn’t have the energy to. He just hugged and kissed me and sat down beside me to keep me company. The nurses finally came in and did a heartbeat monitor and examined me and that is when they told me that I must have passed him at home when I was in the bathroom. I just remember feeling so helpless and guilty that I didn’t realize he was already out and I just lost it. They told me that part of the placenta was stuck inside and not passing on its own and since I had lost so much blood that they would just do a D&C to get it out. So they gave me an epidural because I was so thirsty and dehydrated I had to drink something and you can’t have normal anesthesia after you eat or drink something so they gave me the partial epidural. I was so exhausted that I couldn’t hold myself up and they had to help me sit up and they gave it to me, it actually wasn’t that bad but compared to what i was feeling it was nothing, I barely felt it really. The nurses were so kind and while they were doing the D&C one of the nurses sat above my head and talked to me and kept me distracted a little. After it was all over they gave me a blood transfusion and I feel asleep in the recovery room. I woke up to Jessie right next to me in the hospital room. He was upset but he tried his best to be strong for me. Numerous times we sat together and just cried and cried. Other times we tried to make each other feel better, and most times we just sat there trying to make sense of what just happened. The nurses brought in pamphlets about grief/loss and tried their best to be nice and kind and they did a good job but I was so upset that it didn’t help. Nothing could bring my back my baby and nothing could erase all of what I just been through. The next two weeks after it happened I literally only slept about 2 to 3 hours a night/day and the times I was awake I was talking to jessie, and/or watching netflix. Star Trek Next Generation and the Munsters because I found them comforting for some reason. I got a job as a server two weeks after it happened because I realized that sitting at home was making it worse for me. In the long run I am not sure that it helped or hurt me more, but I just couldn’t sit at home anymore. I named my little baby Logan Troy. Logan means “little hollow” and Troy was after my grandfather who passed in 2001. I have a keepsake box that I made for him (I love arts and crafts, painting, photography etc.) that I keep his ultrasound pictures and all the hospital bands and even the receipts for my maternity clothes. I just wanted to keep everything that was associated with that time because while I was still carrying him, it was one of the best times of my life. I have a facebook page dedicated to him and plan on getting a tattoo pretty soon that is dedicated to him as well. Jessie and I got engaged this month and plan on getting married next year and then hopefully we will be able to try for another baby after we get married. I have struggled with baby obsession and obsessing about getting pregnant again after it happened (classic feelings after a miscarriage) but I have FINALLY managed to make it just something I think about when I see a baby and not every second of every day and every single month I think I am pregnant. I think I am finally STARTING to heal from it, but I will never fully heal. Losing a child is one of the worst things a person can go through and almost dying from it was hard as well. I have ptsd from it and almost every period feels like I might be having another miscarriage because of all the blood and the cramps. It doesn’t help that after you have a baby (living or not) you still have little signs that it has happened. Such as my periods changing, bladder control isn’t as strong anymore, and I do have a small amount of stretch marks. The difference? I don’t have a bundle of joy to show for it. 09/29/2013 was the worst day of my life and I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I struggle everyday with my bipolar disorder which was obviously made ten times worse because of what happened. I wanted to share my story because people need to hear how horrible miscarriage is and that it is not something that a person can just come back from. There are a lot of misconceptions out there about it and a lot of people who are extremely insensitive about how to deal with a person who has had one. It is just like any other death in the family, that baby existed, it was living and breathing and just because you never met it or formed any memories with it, does not mean that it should be shrugged off as an unfortunate event that you should “get over”. Yes I have actually heard that from a “family” member needless to say I deleted from my life forever. 1 in 4 women have had or will have a miscarriage in their lifetime and those odds should mean that people would be more understanding when someone is dealing with a loss. I think the reason they aren’t is because it is too horrible to think about and to be there for someone who has had a loss means that you have to hear about the horrible details and that is too close for comfort…the facts are, it is too horrible for most people to think about so they don’t. they are only human I guess. thank you for letting me share my story and I hope that if you have experienced a loss like mine, that you wont be scared to talk about your baby and the grief that you are going through just to make other people feel comfortable. Find someone who will listen to you and grieve like you are supposed to.
Much love to all of you
from Amanda, Jessie and little Logan Troy <3