Threadfall said 9 years, 4 months ago:

I just came out of what essentially was a 3 year on-and-off relationship. I finally realized what a manipulative and self-centered person he was.

When my ex and I were broken up, I tried to keep an open mind and date other people. Two of them ended up being kind of jerks, but one of them was really nice.

This nice guy had it all: funny, kind, sweet, cute, smart, etc. But for some reason I just couldn’t feel the “spark” of physical attraction. Anyway, what happened was that I was not over my ex, went back to him, and hurt this nice guy a lot. I feel extremely bad for all the pain I’ve caused this nice guy.

Now that things are really really over with this ex (we don’t even talk anymore), Nice Guy wants us to give it another try. The thing is, I still don’t feel much of a “spark”. It does seem to be getting slowly better, and I do want to feel the spark, since every aspect /but/ the physical is great, but I just don’t much. I can’t tell if it’s:

A) I still need some time to get over my ex
B) My sexual preferences are stuck in “asshole” mode because of my ex, and it will change with time
C) There’s really just no spark and no hope that there will be

My current plan is to wait and really /really/ get over my ex (Though it’s been 2 months already now) and see how I feel about Nice Guy when that happens. But what do you guys think? Is it worth another try? What if I hurt him again? And for the life of me, WHY am I not very attracted to this guy? I usually actually DO go for the nice guys, nice and smart is what usually attracts me! Any advice would be appreciated…

rinseandrep said 9 years, 4 months ago:

My vote in on C. Save both of you the trouble, if you are concerned you are wasting his time. Why is he even still interested after what happened? I would tell him to stay away from you (no offense). Does he want to take some sort of revenge and be the one dumping you this time? Does he have low self esteem?

You could look for people like him and see how that goes, so you can understand if with this guy just didn’t work, or if it doesn’t work with all of them.

Threadfall said 9 years, 4 months ago:

I see why you’re saying that; in fact, I think you’re right, he might have self esteem issues. He is working on that with a therapist, among other issues.

I’ve asked him why he wants to get back together. I have treated him badly, but he understands that I am generally a nice person, just really hurt and confused by the emotional turmoil that my ex put me through for 3 years. And because he believes that we have what it takes to make it work, and that he feels like it’s worth it.

In addition to a romantic interest, we also have a solid friendship and a lot in common. No matter what happens, I think we’ll be able to maintain that.

I don’t want to hurt him- in fact, it’s the last thing I want. I’m just not ready to give him everything he wants and needs, because I’m not over my ex. He’s aware of that. I’ve been very honest with him and he knows what I’m thinking… I’ve even told him he probably shouldn’t wait but he is willing to do so.

I guess I’m just trying to figure out whether that spark could be ignited by trying again or not. I worry that you have to have “spark” at the beginning of the relationship (because physical attraction often fizzles) but he thinks it can be built and is willing to give it a try. I just need to know whether that’s a good idea or whether I should stay away to avoid hurting both of us.

KellyMichelle:) said 9 years, 4 months ago:

omg reading this was scary to me because something like this happened to me! That being said and the advice I have for you is to take a lot of time to get over your ex. If the nice guy really likes you or he is as nice as you say then I think he will understand. I hope it works out! Manipulative exes are the worse! Im glad you don’t talk to him anymore.

mullofkintyre said 9 years, 4 months ago:

Eventhough you might not want to hurt his feelings, sometimes feelings just end up getting hurt unintentionally. It depends on what you really want out of this. If there’s even the slightest bit of doubt in your mind that maybe you aren’t ready to move forward with him, then tell him that in whatever way you feel comfortable. Remember, he may claim to be a nice guy but if you go into this telling him how you really feel and he ends up being “hurt” or he worries more about his emotions than yours then he’s not really a nice person.

Seeing as you said he has self esteem issues that could easily play into how he may just be hurt if you turn him down again. If I were him, I would focus more on getting my self esteem to a point where i’m secure in myself before venturing into dating.

Turbo Gandhi said 9 years, 4 months ago:

Two months is not enough time to get over someone. Least of all someone you were with for three years. Stuff like that takes time.

What you have to ask yourself is, is this guy worth the wait? Really consider your options. I don’t know how old you are, but think about what you want for your future. Is a relationship what you really need right now. I’d suggest living the single life for a while. If it’s something you feel comfortable doing, talk this over with the guy. Explain to him how you feel and if he is a nice guy like you say he his, and if he truly cares, he will wait while you figure things out.

Mere said 9 years, 4 months ago:

For me, i think you should give him a chance again, he seems really attracted to you. like its not him just playing with you-its sincere. but yet again if you are scared you might hurt him that way, then tell him. if he’s the nice guy, well i know he’ll understand it. and of course you guys can do it slowly, but still have progress, and i do believe you’ll learn to love him too like he does.

i really hope you get through this i wish you all the luck in life and love :)

Threadfall said 9 years, 4 months ago:

Thanks guys for your input, I really appreciate it. I haven’t come to a conclusion yet, but I will keep mulling it over in the meantime.

Some things you’ve said are so true… two months is really not enough. I found out last night that my ex may be going out with someone and it still really, really hurt. I keep thinking about him and missing him. Even though I’ve completely 100% cut contact somehow he’s in my thoughts every day. I can’t wait till that feeling goes away.

And it’s also true that if I’m still feeling this way, then I’m not ready for a new relationship. That’s been made clear to me after how I felt last night. How can I give myself fully to someone if I’m still so wrapped up in my ex?

This guy is truly a nice guy. Like you said, if it’s real he’ll wait for me to sort out my feelings- and he has, he’s been very patient, he is truly a nice guy. I only hope that once I get over my ex we can both make each other happy :)

Thanks again everyone!